In The Claws Of Clueless Bob Most likely it is all of them. You come to, blink a few times, struggle with the ropes which keep your hands firmly restrained behind your back, and then look up and see… Him. ”Hello,” says Clueless Bob Newbie. “Welcome to your new home.” ”The amenities are somewhat basic,” Bob says as he boots off a rat which is trying to climb up his leg. “But I'm sure you'll cope, Mr Smiffy. After all, you've spent your life in a cesspit of foulness and depravity so this should be a setting you're entirely familiar with.” ”I worked in an office, Mr Newbie,” you tell him, striving to keep the abject terror out of your voice. “As a reviewer of adventure games.” You wince a couple of times when you feel something crawling around your feet. “I even remember reviewing a couple of your games.” ”Really?” Bob has his face pushed into yours. It's not a pretty sight. “What did you think of them?” You try to say 'I loved them. They were great!' but artistic integrity gets the better of you and before you know it, you come out with “they were pure, unadulterated bilge written by someone with the intellectual capacity of a slug and the talent of a sewer rat. They were to the world of interactive fiction what Hitler was to the Jews. They were-“ ”So you didn't like them then.” Bob, strangely, smiles. “I submit you were wrong, Mr Smiffy. I submit that you were forced to write those reviews by an editor so insane with jealously over the majesty that were my games that he brainwashed you into believing they were bad. Is that not the case?” You long to cry 'you're right! Definitely! I love your games! Now let me go!' but, again, artistic integrity betrays you and turns your words into “no, Mr Newbie. I wrote those reviews and I believe in what I wrote. You're an abomination to the IF community and ought to be banned from ever approaching a computer keyboard as long as you live and breathe.” Bob sighs. “I see your editor did a thorough job. This might be more difficult than I first thought.” He pulls out a knife. “And considerably more painful.” You try to crawl away as he approaches but the ropes don't allow you that kind of leeway. ”Bob, please!” you gasp. “There's no need for this! Don't torture me!” Bob frowns. “I'm not going to torture you. How barbaric.” He smiles. “I'm going to make you play my games until you like them.” The thought sets you to screaming. “NO! Torture me instead! Please! I'm begging you! Anything but-“ But he uses the knife to cut the ropes away then drags you out of the cellar, along a corridor, and into a small room bare aside from a desk, a chair and a computer. And, of course, a CD labelled Masterpieces of CBN. Possession of these CDs is a criminal offence punishable in some countries by death. Then again, anyone who's been playing Clueless Bob Newbie games for long is as good as dead anyway. Bob shackles you to the chair and slips the CD into the computer. ”321 of my best efforts,” says Bob as the screen flashes and groans. “Of course, it was difficult deciding which were my 321 best games and so many had to be discarded for inclusion on a second CD I'll be bringing out soon. But I'm sure you'll find a few on here that tickle that fancy.” He claps you on the shoulder. “You're going to stay here, Mr Smiffy, until you're cured of your brainwashing dislike of my games. Then you're going to go back to your editor and write an honest review saying how amazing you thought my latest game was. Then, and only then, will the world begin to appreciate the true genius that is Clueless Bob Newbie.” And with those fateful words, he leaves the room and locks it behind him. On screen, the first game is about to start…
Released: 1st October 2005
Size: 35 KB
Reviews: 2 reviews to date
Genre: comedy
Introduction
You're not sure what it is that wakes you. The rat nibbling on your foot? The steady drip of icy cold water on your brow? The distant thumping noise of construction work? Or the mad laughter which echoes around this subterranean dungeon?