THE PROSTITUTE
by The Anonymous Martian

Review: Laurence Moore

Okay, AIF, let's get this out of the way first, then. It's a genre. And like any other genre it has its good and bad points, good and bad writers, good and bad games.

Yes, but it's just about sex. I mean, what's the point? Your mission is to have sex. And every game is the same.

True...but then isn't every fantasy game about saving the world or finding a hidden (insert talisman or crown or amulet or etc etc here!). Sure, it has its well worn carpets and well trodden paths but then every genre has built in clichés. If I play a horror game then I expect (hope) to be scared. If I play a comedy game then I expect (hope) to have a laugh. If I play a sex game then I expect (hope) to get laid.

So what's the difference? What's the big deal?

None, as far as I can see, but AIF does seem to be plagued with more poor writers and more poor adventures than most genres. Guess the verb and bugs rear ugly heads far too often. Spelling mistakes and bad grammar litter too many passages of text.

I rate Chris Cole as one (if not the) best writer of AIF. He successfully blends sex with puzzles and interesting scenario's and NPCs. The Prostitute penned by ??? does not come with the most exacting of plots but then what game does truly break the mould.

Okay, let's get down to it...

You are a nameless, faceless man who begins the adventure in a sleazy motel room looking to meet a prostitute for a birthday treat. Foolishly, you have booked the room and arrived already without arranging for any company as yet. The opening text is clumsy and repetitive and made me groan inwardly. Inventory wise you begin with a leather wallet but you cannot examine anything inside it (license, paper, credit cards) without the dreaded reply you see no such thing. This is a fundamental mistake and could have been handled very easily with just three items added and a text of there is nothing interesting about the license, credit cards, paper. A silly mistake. And there are more silly mistakes, too. A wooden dresser that can be examined but not opened. A television set (you must identify it as a TV and not telly or television - these are not recognised) which you can examine but not watch although you can turn the TV on (or attempt to). Surely, coding the game to accept turn on TV and not watch TV is just bad design and not a mere oversight. No, this is an author with a singular command in mind. Do not stray from the path then.

Now, this is all in the first location so the omens are not promising for a game where plenty has been implemented. I don't expect a game to allow me to swing from the ceiling or lean on one leg humming a tune whilst I open a door but I do expect to be able to examine objects mentioned and use commands as basic as watch TV when the room contains a TV. The night table is just as bad with objects invisible to the PC unless you examine the table itself. The objects in question are not concealed or tucked into a drawer but visible to the PC yet I could only see them once examining said table. How the hell can that be? Am I a midget? If I am then logically I might not be able to see the surface of the table but, come on, that's just bad game design once again.

At this point I was becoming a little frustrated...thank goodness I found the remote, ah, some porn...nice!

Well, that's AIF for you. You were warned. It's all buggy. Stupid games about shagging your sister and very little else.

No, that's not the problem. The problem here is bad and lazy game design regardless of the genre the game nestles in. If this was a fantasy game and the setting was a sleepy tavern in a middle-earth type village then I would still expect to be able to examine and interact with objects. Obviously, the room would be bereft of a TV (unless it's a David Whyld adventure, of course, but that's another tale).

Okay, let's continue...

First, I really am getting bugged at this and I hope the author takes note. The word "it's" means it is, right? So a sentence reading the toilet serves it's purpose is incorrect. What you are saying is the toilet serves it is purpose which is nonsensical.

Please, address this in your next game.

The motel bathroom is a hopeless location. You can examine the tub (not bath) but not the tiles. You can examine the toilet (which serves it's purpose) but not the mirror. And, lo and behold, we uncover a copy of playboy on the toilet seat. Now, how do I not see this magazine when entering the room? Why do I have to examine the toilet to discover it? Furthermore, why does the item not feature in the location description after I have discovered it and before I take it? Again, this is bad game design and the author really needs to think logically about how he handles this type of thing. Sure, utilising the Adrift facility of having objects on other objects might seem cool but they make little sense if these objects should be visible upon entering the location. If the magazine was behind the toilet or concealed on a high shelf then that would make sense not to see it immediately. However, here the magazine is on the toilet seat, a few feet or so off the ground. Nothing is obscuring my vision (unless too many right hand shuffles have left me short sighted...)

Of course, it's an AIF game, that's it, I must be short sighted...

Now, the magazine, you can examine it but reading it is a waste of time (although a response is in place). As an aside, I think Britney is spelt Britney and not Brittany (that might be a place in France but don't quote me on it). The issue is from 2002 and features 80s pop princess Tiffany (I remember that shoot).

Now where the hell is my prostitute...?

After calling her up (open the night table and read the Bible, sinner) I wait nervously for my date to arrive. I tried having a wank with the playboy magazine but the game didn't understand what I was trying to do. I tried manipulating my manhood but, once again, I saw no such thing...hey, have you been talking to my ex-wife?

Eventually a hot redhead arrived. I paid her and tried conversation but it's that damn ask NPC about SUBJECT which I can never get to grips with. I was at a loss of how to proceed so I went with f*** Lacey where I was told not to be so eager. Fair enough, I tried then to kiss Lacey and was told to get on with it - what???

So, the nitty gritty, the sex scenes, are they any good? Who knows? Who cares? I took Lacey's bag and found a dildo but getting her to use it was a real struggle. I couldn't seem to get her to undress, partake in dirty conversation or initiate any sexual couplings.

At this point I decided to clear off with my issue of Playboy and gaze at a former teen pin-up Tiffany...her glossy pages seemed to have more life than any part of this game.

Now you see, right? It's AIF. It's all crap. Littered with mistakes, bugs, stupid situations...

No, it's not AIF, it's just a bad game that failed to serve it's purpose. Make sure you return the keys when you check out.

2/10

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Review: A. Ninny

In The Prostitute, the player character finds the number of a whore, calls her, she shows up and then he fucks her. Is it possible to be less hot than that? The game’s lack of hotness is exacerbated by the fact that her body parts and clothing do not exist when you try to examine them.

The game also suffers from occasional spelling and punctuation problems, making it seem incomplete, and has weird bugs having to do with the player’s clothing (is he wearing clothes or not?).

My main objection to this game is that the author seems to have an extremely low estimation of his audience, or an extremely low arousal threshold.

Scores:

Concept: 1. Nothing is less sexy than a prostitute in a crummy hotel room.

Characters: 1. No details whatsoever are provided. They are nothing more than bodies.

Technical: 2 Not terribly buggy, but a lot of things are totally left out, including NPC bodyparts and clothing.

Playability: 5. No issues, but no expectations either.

Hotness: 2.5 The sex writing was ok, but the idea of fucking a prostitute in a fleabag hotel isn’t hot.

Enjoyment: 2. No repeat value to this one.