The Warlord, The Princess & The Bulldog

Released: 31st March 2006
Size: 213 KB
Reviews: 3 reviews to date
Version: 2 (as of 27th April 2006)
Genre: comedy

Introduction
The fortress was built into the side of a peak in the middle of the most inhospitable mountain range on the planet. The sides of the peak were so steep that even experienced mountaineers shied away from it. Snow fell continually, even in the middle of summer, and ferocious winds tore at the peak with enough force to shatter glass.

The fortress was surrounded by a wall fifty feet high. The wall was topped with spikes and security cameras, and soldiers (wearing thick boots due to the spikes) patrolled along the wall twenty-four hours a day with orders to shoot first and ask questions later. They were armed with the latest machine guns and shock-resistant body armour.

Beyond the wall, which was not only fifty feet tall but nine feet thick, were the grounds of the fortress: covered with cameras, mines and state of the art motion detectors. Even a fly would have been hard pressed to go undetected.

Then there was the fortress itself…

They said there was no way to get inside the fortress. They said a man would have to have a death wish to even try. They said it was less than a one in a million chance that someone could get inside, rescue the princess and kill the warlord who controlled the fortress. Then they added the anti-aircraft guns. The odds became even worse.

They said getting inside the mission to rescue the kidnapped princess, assassinate the warlord, blow up the fortress and get out in one piece was impossible.

Of course, they never reckoned with The Bulldog…



“Her name,” says Sergeant Twiddles, “is Leonora. She is the Princess of Gumpta.”

You frown. Geography isn’t your strong point, but you’re sure there's never been a Gumpta on any map you’ve ever seen.

“Small place in upper New York,” says Twiddles vaguely. He pauses to stroke his black and white cat then clicks a button. Another photo is displayed. “Her father is King Phredis, the oil baron. One of the richest men in the world. His daughter was snatched from their palace just last week by none other than the notorious Hungarian warlord, Baron Grishtak.”

You nod. You know the name. You met the man once, several years ago, when a commando group you were leading in deepest, darkest Peru ran into the commando group he was leading. The man probably remembers you as well. You did chop his arm off after all.

“Now Baron Grishtak has offered an ultimatum,” Twiddles goes on. He clicks a button. A photo of the ultimatum is displayed. “Either pay his $210,000,000 ransom within the next week or King Phredis gets his daughter back.” Click. Seven boxes are displayed. “Or as much of her as will fit into those boxes. The King has refused to honour the ransom and insists we do everything in our power to get his daughter back. Preferably still in one piece.”

You grunt.

“Yes,” says Twiddles. “I know, strictly speaking, we don’t work for the King of Gumpta, but we've been after Baron Grishtak for a while now ourselves. And the King has offered to fund this mission. He just needs someone to actually go and do the, um…”

You grunt.

“The dirty work, yes.” Twiddles strokes his cat absentmindedly for a while, then adds, “oh, and The Bulldog?”

You frown.

“Do try and remember the Princess is not to be killed, okay? Everyone else: fine. The Baron? Definitely fine. But the Princess…” Twiddles hands you a photo of the princess with the words ‘NOT to be killed’ written on it in biro. “The King won’t be pleased if you rescue a corpse.”

You just sigh.