> l
The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion. Another doorway to the northwest has a curtain over it, the sight of which chills you for reasons you can't quite put your finger on.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> n

From the massive dining table taking up the middle of this room, you're guessing you've found the dining room. Alas, one without much in the way of food to be seen. In fact, aside from the table itself this room is surprisingly barren.
Exits lie: south (to the entrance) and northeast (to the kitchen).
In the middle of the floor is a small statue.

> look under table
You peer under the table, and find a satchel under there that you pull out. A choking cloud of dust follows it out and almost suffocates you but as an adventurer you have learned to get used to this sort of thing.

> ne

The kitchen looks just like your kitchen back home: food strewn across the floor and a drunken chef sitting in the corner cursing merrily to himself. A large cauldron (a typical occurrence in kitchens that you have seen) rests in the middle of the room while off to one side is the pantry.
Exits lie: southwest (to the dining room) and northeast (to the pantry).

> x cauldron
You look into it - and find a note floating amidst all the poisonous stuff the chef was preparing! You fish it out - brushing aside things that have no right to be in a cauldron - and see, with a growing sense of unease, that it's from Rancid.
"Poor Barble had that in his pocket," mutters the chef drunkenly. "Poor sod. I didna see him standin' there and jus' shovelled him in all the veggies."
"You killed Barble?" you ask.
"Twas an accident," mutters the chef, shaking his head. "Poor little swine. Best damn assistant I ever had even if he did get the food sweetener and the rat poison mixed up sometimes."
The chef starts singing a rude song about goblins.

> read note
It reads: "Expecting to find a key in here for the pantry, sir? Hahahahah! I moved it!"
You find yourself a little worried that he went to the trouble of writing out the sound of himself laughing.

> sw

From the massive dining table taking up the middle of this room, you're guessing you've found the dining room. Alas, one without much in the way of food to be seen. In fact, aside from the table itself this room is surprisingly barren.
Exits lie: south (to the entrance) and northeast (to the kitchen).
In the middle of the floor is a small statue.

> push statue south
You push the statue into the entrance to the mansion.

> s

The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion. Another doorway to the northwest has a curtain over it, the sight of which chills you for reasons you can't quite put your finger on.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?
In the middle of the floor is a small statue.

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> ask rancid about note
Rancid sneers when he sees the note. "Ha! Found my little note, did you? Expecting to find the key to the pantry, were you? Disappointed, no doubt?"
"Where is the key, Rancid?" you ask.
"I could tell you, sir," says Rancid, "but I really don't want to. And you, I suspect, have no way of making me."

> push statue east
You push the statue to the top of the cellar steps.

> e

You're at the top of a flight of dusty stone steps which lead down into the shadows to just the sort of place you expect to find all manner of undead inhabiting. A dark doorway awaits you at the bottom of the steps, beyond which nothing at all can be seen.
Exits lie: west (to the entrance) and down (to the vampire's lai- er, the cellar).
In the middle of the floor is a small statue.

> d

The mansion's cellar is surprisingly small and cramped, comprising just a single room. And not even a large room at that. Maybe whatever mind this nightmarish place sprang from ran out of ideas at this point and left a caricature cellar in place of a more authentic one.
Aside from a coffin (such things are traditional in settings such as this), there's nothing much here. It rests on a pedestal and is closed and while there's no reason to go blindly assuming that a vampire resides within, there's also no reason to assume one doesn't.
A flight of steps lead back out of here.
Exits lie: up (to the top of the steps).

> x pedestal
The pedestal stands three feet high and atop it rests the coffin. It's also an incredibly dirty place and for no good reason that you can think of, you take some of the dirt with you.

> u
You're at the top of a flight of dusty stone steps which lead down into the shadows to just the sort of place you expect to find all manner of undead inhabiting. A dark doorway awaits you at the bottom of the steps, beyond which nothing at all can be seen.
Exits lie: west (to the entrance) and down (to the vampire's lai- er, the cellar).


As you reach the top of the cellar steps, you hear a crash from behind you and turn to see the cellar door has slammed itself shut.

> push statue down
You give the statue a shove - and it tumbles down the steps and into the locked door... and then smashes the door off its hinges!

> w

The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion. Another doorway to the northwest has a curtain over it, the sight of which chills you for reasons you can't quite put your finger on.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> nw
As you move towards the curtain, Rancid gives a sudden laugh!
"Oh, don't mind me, sir," he says, stifling the laughter as best he can. "You wander through the lovely curtain if you like."

> throw dirt at curtain
"NO!" cries Rancid, but is unable to stop you as you throw the dirt at the curtain.
It hits the curtain - and there is a blinding flash and when you can see again the curtain is gone.
"Of all the cursed damn luck..." Rancid mutters. He sees you looking at him and adds, "oh, well done, sir. Well done indeed."
If you didn't know better, you'd swear there was just a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

> nw

The sitting room would be all very quaint if not for the unpleasant fact that you're currently trapped in a dream which you're unable to escape from. The roaring fire and cosy armchair appear quite welcoming and in stark contrast to the rest of the mansion you have come across so far. Even the whistling of the wind as it blows down the chimney is only slightly disturbing. The doorway you entered this room through lies to the southeast.

"Otto!" you say. "Thank god I've got a friend in all of this!"
"...friend..." says Otto. "...all this..."
This certainly doesn't sound like the Otto you remember.

> look under armchair
You find a small, dark area filled with lots of dust and... oh, what's this? A book? You lift it out and have a look at the front cover: "The Good Butler Guide".

> read guide
You flip the book open and read...

...press a key...

Several minutes pass by as you read and, when you're through, you're convinced you know enough shameful and degrading secrets about butlers to make even the likes of Rancid do what you want occasionally.

> read guide
Sure you'll need more, you read the book again...

...press a key...

Yep. You get some really juicy stuff this time and, without a doubt, there's nothing you won't be able to force Rancid to do after this.

> se
The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the northwest, north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> hit rancid with guide
Acting on a hunch - or maybe just a really vicious streak - you clout Rancid one around the head with the Good Butler Guide.
"Ow!" he yells, jumping back from you and dropping something to the floor. "Damnation, sir! Just because I insult you on a second-by-second basis is no reason to resort to that sort of action!"
"Where did you get that key from?" you ask, indicating what he dropped on the floor.
"That? Oh... I, er..." He rubs his still smarting head. "I, er, found it."

> get key
You take the key.

> n

From the massive dining table taking up the middle of this room, you're guessing you've found the dining room. Alas, one without much in the way of food to be seen. In fact, aside from the table itself this room is surprisingly barren.
Exits lie: south (to the entrance) and northeast (to the kitchen).

> ne

The kitchen looks just like your kitchen back home: food strewn across the floor and a drunken chef sitting in the corner cursing merrily to himself. A large cauldron (a typical occurrence in kitchens that you have seen) rests in the middle of the room while off to one side is the pantry.
Exits lie: southwest (to the dining room) and northeast (to the pantry).

> ne
You walk right into the pantry door!
Dream or not, that hurt!

> open door
Using the key, you do just that.

> ne

The pantry is empty. Aside, that is, from a single shelf that is just crying out for someone to come along and examine it.
Exits lie: southwest (to the kitchen).

> sw
The kitchen looks just like your kitchen back home: food strewn across the floor and a drunken chef sitting in the corner cursing merrily to himself. A large cauldron (a typical occurrence in kitchens that you have seen) rests in the middle of the room while off to one side is the pantry.
Exits lie: southwest (to the dining room) and northeast (to the pantry).

As you emerge from the cellar you hear a voice say: "well done! You resisted the urge to do the blindingly obvious. Here, have a reward."
A sword appears in your hand as if by magic, which it undoubtedly is.

> sw

From the massive dining table taking up the middle of this room, you're guessing you've found the dining room. Alas, one without much in the way of food to be seen. In fact, aside from the table itself this room is surprisingly barren.
Exits lie: south (to the entrance) and northeast (to the kitchen).

> s
The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the northwest, north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.


Suddenly, a disembodied hand appears out of nowhere and snatches the sword from you!
Before you can do more than cry "hey!" the sword has disappeared and a mocking laughter rings out across the entrance.

> n

From the massive dining table taking up the middle of this room, you're guessing you've found the dining room. Alas, one without much in the way of food to be seen. In fact, aside from the table itself this room is surprisingly barren.
Exits lie: south (to the entrance) and northeast (to the kitchen).

> ne

The kitchen looks just like your kitchen back home: food strewn across the floor and a drunken chef sitting in the corner cursing merrily to himself. A large cauldron (a typical occurrence in kitchens that you have seen) rests in the middle of the room while off to one side is the pantry.
Exits lie: southwest (to the dining room) and northeast (to the pantry).

Without any kind of warning, the chef drops his trousers and exposes his bottom to you. This isn't the kind of sight your stomach could do with seeing.

> ne
The pantry is empty. Aside, that is, from a single shelf that is just crying out for someone to come along and examine it.
Exits lie: southwest (to the kitchen).

Jenkins the gnome lurks in a corner of the pantry, his furtive eyes watching your every move.


As you step into the pantry, Jenkins looks up at you and smirks.
"Well, well, the 'intrepid' adventurer has found his way to my lair, has he?" he snorts. "I can't say I'm impressed, adventurer. Did you really kill an evil sorcerer and see off a dragon?"
You nod, unsure who he really is.

...press a key...


"The name's Jenkins," says the short fellow. "I'm an associate of Vorgon's. You remember Vorgon, I take it? Large fellow, awfully good with a sword? You killed him." Jenkins sneers. "Now it's payback time. When I heard you were trapped in this little dreamworld, I just knew this was the perfect opportunity to exact a little... revenge. I mean, I could have killed you in the real world but then I don't believe in taking risks. There you can kill me, here you can't."
"What do you want, Jenkins?" you ask.
"I'd kill you myself but that'll only bump you out of the dream and I'd just as soon you never left. So what I want you to do is kill those meddling dwarves."
"You mean-"
"Otto and Toto. That's the two. If you haven't found them yet, you soon will. Kill them. Actually, I'll be fair. Kill one of them and I'll give you back the sword I stole from you. Oh, and I'll even give you a hand."
He tosses a small dart to you.
"That's filled with virulent dwarven poison. Throw it at either Otto or Toto and it'll kill them outright."
"But if this is a dream then they won't really die."
Jenkins shrugs. "Maybe not. But think of the repercussions to your sanity that you actually tried to kill your allies." He laughs. "Now go, adventurer. Come back when one of them is dead."

> sw

The kitchen looks just like your kitchen back home: food strewn across the floor and a drunken chef sitting in the corner cursing merrily to himself. A large cauldron (a typical occurrence in kitchens that you have seen) rests in the middle of the room while off to one side is the pantry.
Exits lie: southwest (to the dining room) and northeast (to the pantry).

> open dart
Carefully, you open the dart. Inside is a small amount of powder which you tip out into your hand.

> ask chef about powder
"Ain't cooked," says the chef. "I can smell uncooked powder from a mile off."

> cook powder
You put the powder into the cauldron, stir it around for a few minutes (you remember cooking on the farm you grew up on and while you never managed to cook anything that was vaguely edible, as what you're cooking here is poisonous to dwarves it's not very likely you'll be eating it afterwards anyway).
When you've finished with the powder, it has congealed into a small, hard lump that looks even less appetising than anything else in here.
The chef emits a sour grunt and almost falls face first into the cauldron.

> put lump in dart
You slip it inside and close the dart up.

> ne

The pantry is empty. Aside, that is, from a single shelf that is just crying out for someone to come along and examine it.
Exits lie: southwest (to the kitchen).

Jenkins the gnome lurks in a corner of the pantry, his furtive eyes watching your every move.

> throw dart at jenkins
Jenkins gives a cry as the dart embeds itself in his chest. Then he says, "well, you've blown things now, adventurer. That dart was filled with poison that is fatal to dwarves but has no effect on... on gnomes... whatso- UGHHGJHG!!!"
"Maybe all that changed when I cooked the powder," you say.
Jenkins gives a gasp and falls to the floor, his face turning a funny purple colour. "Cooked it? Ah! But cooking - ah! - it makes it - ah! - poisonous to - ah! - gnomes..." He gives a last cry of pain and claps his hands together. As he fades from view, the sword he was carrying drops to the cry and he leaves you with these words: "we'll meet again, adventurer, we'll meet again!!!" which would undoubtedly sound a lot more threatening if he wasn't choking and gasping at the same time.

> get sword
You take the sword.

> sw

The kitchen looks just like your kitchen back home: food strewn across the floor and a drunken chef sitting in the corner cursing merrily to himself. A large cauldron (a typical occurrence in kitchens that you have seen) rests in the middle of the room while off to one side is the pantry.
Exits lie: southwest (to the dining room) and northeast (to the pantry).

A smell reaches you. Yep, it looks like the chef has let rip again.

> sw

From the massive dining table taking up the middle of this room, you're guessing you've found the dining room. Alas, one without much in the way of food to be seen. In fact, aside from the table itself this room is surprisingly barren.
Exits lie: south (to the entrance) and northeast (to the kitchen).

> s

The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the northwest, north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> nw

The sitting room would be all very quaint if not for the unpleasant fact that you're currently trapped in a dream which you're unable to escape from. The roaring fire and cosy armchair appear quite welcoming and in stark contrast to the rest of the mansion you have come across so far. Even the whistling of the wind as it blows down the chimney is only slightly disturbing. The doorway you entered this room through lies to the southeast.

Your former companion, Otto the dwarf, is by the armchair. He doesn't look well.

> sit in armchair
The moment you sit in the armchair, a ghostly visage appears out of nowhere and wraps its arms around you - and then shies away as you take several experimental chops at it with your sword!
"Damn!" it hisses. "Damn and damn and double damn!"
Still cursing, it floats away through one of the walls.
"Lost it..." says Otto. "Never... be the... same... again..."

> se
The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the northwest, north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> e

You're at the top of a flight of dusty stone steps which lead down into the shadows to just the sort of place you expect to find all manner of undead inhabiting. A dark doorway awaits you at the bottom of the steps, beyond which nothing at all can be seen.
Exits lie: west (to the entrance) and down (to the vampire's lai- er, the cellar).

Pogbert is standing here looking a little uneasy.

> ask pogbert about himself
"I'm here on a mission."
Pogbert says, "you really ought to ask me about hints."

> ask pogbert about mission
"Yes, the Elder Tribe have sent me to retrieve their Lost Item."

> ask pogbert about lost item
"I don't know what it is but I've been told it's awful important. Or maybe just awful. I forget which."

> give satchel to pogbert
Pogbert reaches out for the satchel - then shies away from it!
"Uh!" he cries. "It's nasty!"
"Well, it's a bit tatty granted-"
"Not that! It's always been tatty! That's part of its charm. But it's crawling with germs!"
You glance at the satchel and frown. "I don't see any germs."
"Maybe not. But they're there all the same!" Pogbert grimaces. "Ooh! They're horrible!"

> w

The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the northwest, north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> n

From the massive dining table taking up the middle of this room, you're guessing you've found the dining room. Alas, one without much in the way of food to be seen. In fact, aside from the table itself this room is surprisingly barren.
Exits lie: south (to the entrance) and northeast (to the kitchen).

> ne

The kitchen looks just like your kitchen back home: food strewn across the floor and a drunken chef sitting in the corner cursing merrily to himself. A large cauldron (a typical occurrence in kitchens that you have seen) rests in the middle of the room while off to one side is the pantry.
Exits lie: southwest (to the dining room) and northeast (to the pantry).

> wash satchel in cauldron
You dunk the satchel in the cauldron and the ferocious heat destroys the lurking germs.

> sw

From the massive dining table taking up the middle of this room, you're guessing you've found the dining room. Alas, one without much in the way of food to be seen. In fact, aside from the table itself this room is surprisingly barren.
Exits lie: south (to the entrance) and northeast (to the kitchen).

> s

The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the northwest, north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> e

You're at the top of a flight of dusty stone steps which lead down into the shadows to just the sort of place you expect to find all manner of undead inhabiting. A dark doorway awaits you at the bottom of the steps, beyond which nothing at all can be seen.
Exits lie: west (to the entrance) and down (to the vampire's lai- er, the cellar).

Pogbert is standing here looking a little uneasy.

Pogbert says, "you really ought to ask me about hints."

> ask pogbert about hints
"I'm only allowed to tell you about the hints once," says Pogbert. "If I tell you about them twice, He gets angry."
"He?"
Pogbert winces. "Don't mention Him. He doesn't like being mentioned. Anyway, the hints: Otto needs an axe which Toto has; Toto needs his courage back so attack him; Jenkins wants you to kill either Toto or Otto - he's nasty! - but you can beat him by opening the dart and cooking the powder in the cauldron then throwing the dart at him; you get through the curtain by throwing the dirt at it; the cellar door is removed by pushing the statue down the cellar steps; I'm after a satchel but it needs to be germ-free or I won't accept it, you can remove the germs by putting it in the..." Pogbert frowns. "Uh-oh, He's cottoned on to what I'm telling you. I'd better shut up."

> give satchel to pogbert
"Ah, it's all nice and clean," says Pogbert with a smile, clutching the satchel to him.
"It looks a bit tatty to me."
"That's all part of its charm. The tatty side of things is what makes it special. Anyway, many thanks for returning this to me. I'll be getting back to the Elder Tribe now."
"Don't *cough*reward*cough* mention it," you say.
"See you in A.L.D.F.A.," says Pogbert, and with those strange words he vanishes.

> d

The mansion's cellar is surprisingly small and cramped, comprising just a single room. And not even a large room at that. Maybe whatever mind this nightmarish place sprang from ran out of ideas at this point and left a caricature cellar in place of a more authentic one.
Aside from a coffin (such things are traditional in settings such as this), there's nothing much here. It rests on a pedestal and is closed and while there's no reason to go blindly assuming that a vampire resides within, there's also no reason to assume one doesn't. Lying in a shattered heap on the floor are the remains of the cellar door which you smashed with your statue trick.
A flight of steps lead back out of here.
Exits lie: up (to the top of the steps).
In the middle of the floor is a small statue.

By the coffin stands Toto although he seems quite a bit smaller than you remember him.

"Toto!" you cry. "What are you doing here?"
"Damned if I know," grunts the dwarf. "But it's probably your damn fault! You always were a trouble-causer, kid. Knew it the first time I set me beady eyes on you!"

> kill toto
Throwing common sense to the wind, you launch yourself at Toto - who mysteriously grows several feet in the space of a second!
"Hahaahhahh!" he cries, grabbing you and wrestling you to the floor. "I got it back, kid! Hahaha!"
"Got... what... back?" you gasp, trying desperately to prevent him strangling you.
"Er? Oh, sorry." Toto lets go of you and lets you up. "Sorry about it. Got it back, kid!"
"What?"
"Me courage. I lost it around here somewhere. Good plan that was, attacking me to help me find it again. Here, take this axe which I just so happen to have with me."
He hands you the axe and then promptly disappears.
You rub your eyes. This place gets weirder all the time!

> u

You're at the top of a flight of dusty stone steps which lead down into the shadows to just the sort of place you expect to find all manner of undead inhabiting. A dark doorway awaits you at the bottom of the steps, beyond which nothing at all can be seen.
Exits lie: west (to the entrance) and down (to the vampire's lai- er, the cellar).

> w

The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the northwest, north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> nw

The sitting room would be all very quaint if not for the unpleasant fact that you're currently trapped in a dream which you're unable to escape from. The roaring fire and cosy armchair appear quite welcoming and in stark contrast to the rest of the mansion you have come across so far. Even the whistling of the wind as it blows down the chimney is only slightly disturbing. The doorway you entered this room through lies to the southeast.

Your former companion, Otto the dwarf, is by the armchair. He doesn't look well.

> give axe to otto
You offer the axe - and Otto snatches it off you!
"Me axe!" he snarls. "By 'eck, kid, it's good to have this back!"
"You seem... different, Otto," you say.
"Sure am, kid. Some thievin' git stole me damn axe! Bah! Right, I'm off ter bash some heads an' no damn mistake!"
He goes charging off out of the room.

> se

The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the northwest, north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> e

You're at the top of a flight of dusty stone steps which lead down into the shadows to just the sort of place you expect to find all manner of undead inhabiting. A dark doorway awaits you at the bottom of the steps, beyond which nothing at all can be seen.
Exits lie: west (to the entrance) and down (to the vampire's lai- er, the cellar).

> d

The mansion's cellar is surprisingly small and cramped, comprising just a single room. And not even a large room at that. Maybe whatever mind this nightmarish place sprang from ran out of ideas at this point and left a caricature cellar in place of a more authentic one.
Aside from a coffin (such things are traditional in settings such as this), there's nothing much here. It rests on a pedestal and is closed and while there's no reason to go blindly assuming that a vampire resides within, there's also no reason to assume one doesn't. Lying in a shattered heap on the floor are the remains of the cellar door which you smashed with your statue trick.
A flight of steps lead back out of here.
Exits lie: up (to the top of the steps).
In the middle of the floor is a small statue.

> open coffin
You lift the lid - and the vampire lying inside gives a groan.
"Not fair," it mumbles, trying to put its poorly head back together. "All I did was try to drain his blood and this is what he did to me! Ah, the injustice of it just chills my (lack of) blood."
The vampire complains some more but doesn't prevent you reaching into the coffin and taking out a deed that you see lying by its feet.

> x deed
This deed certifies that you are one of the living and can safely leave Godforsaken Mansion.

> u

You're at the top of a flight of dusty stone steps which lead down into the shadows to just the sort of place you expect to find all manner of undead inhabiting. A dark doorway awaits you at the bottom of the steps, beyond which nothing at all can be seen.
Exits lie: west (to the entrance) and down (to the vampire's lai- er, the cellar).

> w

The shadowy entrance of the mansion is spacious yet lacking in any kind of light source. Saying that, you are able to see, though with difficulty, as those the walls themselves emit light in some way you cannot fathom. Doorways to the northwest, north and east - the rooms beyond them lost in murky shadows and inky darkness - lead deeper into the mansion.
To the south is a large archway, unbarred, beyond which lies... nothing. Is this the way out of the mansion?

Your butler, the acid-tongued Rancid, is here. He regards you with an air of distaste bordering on loathing.

> s
You move south out of the mansion...

...press a key...



And awaken in your bed, the sun streaming through the window. Far off you can hear the sound of dogs barking and cows mooing and, more than likely, several people being violently ill. The sounds of home in other words.
"That was one really weird dream," you say to Rancid who is standing to one side of you, an expression of what can only be described as livid disappointment on his face.
"You're... alive?" he says.
You're a little annoyed at the way he says this. Almost as if he expected you not to be alive.
"Why shouldn't I be alive?" you ask.
"Oh, no reason." Rancid sighs. "It seems you had a nightmare, sir, in which you believed you were trapped inside a freakish mansion and couldn't escape. At least that's what I gathered from your unconscious mumblings. Unf- er, fortunately you did escape. What a 'relief' that was. And here you are."
"But what caused it?" you ask. "I've never had a dream like that before."
"Maybe we'll never know," says Rancid with a wry grin, and tucks away the bottle of Nightmare Inducer fluid back in his pocket...

You scored 105 out of the maximum 105!
That is 100% of the game!
Well done - you scored maximum points!