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Barney's Problem by David Whyld

Introduction

The news, when it came, did so as something of a shock.
"Explode?" said Barney. "As in… blow up, you mean?"
Doctor Grim (whom many of his patients referred to as Grim Reaper although Barney was sure that was just a coincidence) nodded as he lit up a pipe and filled the office with clouds of thick, pungent smoke.
"Explode indeed. It's a rare condition known quite simply as Bollockus Explodingus - or Exploding Bollocks in layman's terms. Supposedly less than 0.0000000000000000001% of the world's population suffer with it but that 0.0000000000000000001% who do suffer from it quickly come to people's attention."

...press a key...

"You mean they complain loudly and vociferously about it?"
"Not quite," said Doctor Grim. "I mean they tend to explode very messily and very loudly in public. That is what tends to grab people's attention. After all, there's nothing quite like being hit in the face by a newly exploded foreskin to wake you up."

...press a key...

Barney winced and crossed his legs over his privates, his hands firmly covering that which wouldn't, if what he was hearing turned out to be true, be private for much longer.
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked weakly, visions of gaily strolling down the high street while a series of eruptions from his trousers turned his John Thomas into so much mush. "Anything at all?"
"Well…" Doctor Grim frowned, blew some more smoke, checked his watch, and said, "there is one thing you could try."
"Anything."
The Doctor turned to face him. "You could have sex."
Barney listened to the words. They were, funnily enough, exactly what he has been waiting to hear. "Sex? But why would having sex-"

...press a key...

"Well known cure for many things, and in this case it's the only thing that has a chance of saving you. After all, you don't want to be walking around without a knob this time tomorrow, now do you?"
"Er-"
"I'll leave you to think about it. But I wouldn't waste too much time on pondering: the first contractions should start within the hour and things are likely to get very, very messy before the end of the day."
Barney winced again. It was most likely just a psychological thing but he was sure he could feel minute eruptions building in his todger. "How much sex will cure me?" he asked.
"Oh, not much. A good fuck with a beautiful woman should do it." Doctor Grim paused and took a look at Barney. A good long look. "Ah, but considering the state of you, a beautiful woman might well be a bit out of your league. Well, try for a few reasonably okay ones. Provided you get a good amount of sex out of it, your todger should be fine."
And then Doctor Grim left, leaving Barney alone in the office to ponder his future. A future that, if he didn't move quickly, might well prove to be over quicker than he would have liked.

...press a key...

Welcome to Barney's Problem, a text adventure with a twist (and exploding bollocks but you've probably guessed that bit for yourself by now).
Your quest (if you will) is to guide Barney around his home town and get him as much sex as possible to stave off the inevitable onset of Bollockus Explodingus. And there you have it. May you live well and prosper. Oh, and try to avoid having your balls explode if you can…

Press any key to start

> kill jake

Doctor Grim's Office
You're in the office of Doctor Grim, the town quack. While you generally avoid doctors like the plague (unless you have the plague in which case you're only too happy to see them), on this occasion you made an exception.
The office is small, cramped and dismally lit. A row of filing cabinets along one wall are about the only interesting thing you can see apart from the doctor's desk.
Exits lie: west.

> x desk
Doctor Grim's desk is piled with patient files and all forms of illegal medicine that he's somehow allowed to get away with. The desk appears to be locked.

> x patient files
Sifting through one of the files you come across a reference to Hoggins, one of the local toughs, having a particularly nasty rash on his knob as a result of a failed attempt at sheep-raping (the sheep, apparently, didn't fancy him much and bit him when he wasn't looking). This'll sure come in handy for the next time he hassles you.

> get medicine
You sift through the illegal substances before deciding to settle for some innocent-looking cough syrup. Knowing the way these things generally are, the most innocent-looking of the lot is bound to be the best.

> w
You move west.
Waiting Room
Also known as the "Stick 'Em In There And Hope They Die So I Don't Have To See 'Em Room", the waiting room is smelly and dark. Several dying people are propped up against each other, none of them looking like they'll survive the day. The stench of their illnesses is enough to make you feel ill yourself.
Exits lie: east and north.

> n
You move north.
Cobblestone Walk
You're outside the doctor's surgery on Cobblestone Walk, a narrow thoroughfare which runs through the centre of town. At this time of the day it's pretty much deserted but you doubt that state of affairs will last for long. The street extends to the east although the way to your house is northwest, over a patch of waste ground.
Exits lie: northwest, south and east.

> nw
You move northwest.

This patch of waste ground is often where you used to come to… relieve a little tension after a hard day's doing nothing. As such, the ground is littered with spent condoms, discarded porn mags and empty bottles. It's also the reputed stomping ground of a large gang of thugs hence your "relievings" tended to be short and sharp.
Exits lie: north, northwest and southeast. Hoggins, Ripper and 'Enry are here.

"Look, fellers!" grunts Hoggins. "If that's homo Barney Balls!"
"That's Barney Bales, I'll thank you to remember," you say, "and how's your rash, Hoggins?"
Hoggins' face goes cold. "R-rash? Er, wot you talkin'-"
"I've seen the file," you say, watching in delight as Hoggins' usual arrogance turns to fear. "Shall I tell your friends about your little sec-"
"Er, no need for that," says Hoggins hastily. "Let's go find some queers to bash, okay lads?"
"Wot's dat 'bout a rash?" asks Ripper.
"Nothin'! Nothin' at all. C'mon, fellers, those queers'll be gettin' cold."
Hoggins hastily pushes Ripper and 'Enry out of hearing before you can start blabbing.
You stand there for a few minutes after they've gone and congratulate yourself on a damn fine bit of shit stirring.

> x condoms
The perverse side of your nature coming to the fore, you have a probe through the spent condoms. Aside from an unhealthy supply of cum, you find your key. You guess you must have had it in your hand when you were "doing the business" and you dropped it without realising.

> nw
You move northwest.
Outside Your House
The waste ground ends at your front door although judging by the state of your house if it had been build on the waste ground you doubt anyone would be able to tell where one ended and the other began. The front façade could certainly do with some work and so could the garden. Maybe if you manage to get through today without your genitals exploding messily all over the place you'll come and get this place seen to.
Exits lie: west and southeast.

> open door
Using your key you do just that.

> w
You move west.
Front Room
Your front room is every bit as dismal and grimy as it was the last time you were here. Then again, considering you live alone and have an aversion to tidying up this was, perhaps, inevitable. A coffee table covered with empty video packages is situated in the centre of the room. Next to this is your sofa on which you occasionally sprawl to watch TV. The TV itself is looks every bit as battered as you remember.
Exits lie: northwest, southwest and east.

> x table
You're not quite sure why you have a coffee table as the only things to touch its surface are pornos, beer and, when you've had too much to drink, your face (generally in a pool of puke).
Right now, it's in a pretty much unmarked state aside from some empty video packages. Oh, and a porno. You have a quick rifle through its pages before deciding to take it with you.

> read porno
You gaze at the photos of nubile young women in a serious state of undress for a while. It doesn't gain you any great benefit but it does give you a raging hardon which, considering you might not have a knob left before too much longer, is something to be thankful for.

> look under table
Acting on a hunch (you get them more frequently than erections (something you're sorry to admit)), you crouch down and look under the coffee table. Sure enough, there's some money there which you take with you. Always come in handy, does money.

> x sofa
You cram your fingers down the back in case some money fell out of your pocket the last time you were here... and find, instead, a coin. You're not sure what make of coin it is because it's been bent completely out of shape by having your arse pressed onto it for long periods of time, but it's sure to be worth something. You slip it into your pocket.

> nw
You move northwest.
Kitchen
One day you'll tidy this place up. Shortly before Hell freezes over and after the cleverest pig in the world gets its pilot's license. The floor (assuming it's still there; it's been a while since you last caught sight of it) is covered with spilt food, discarded clothing and more than a few empty pizza boxes. The sink is full of unwashed pots. A smell floats on the air though you're not able to tell what it is right away.
Exits lie: southeast.

Suddenly, without warning, a skinny fellow bursts out of the shadows, cries "Here's the Phantom Flasher!" and proceeds to wiggle his bony arse at you in a display of quite sickening proportions.
Somewhere a whistle blows and onto the scene charge several cops.
"Gerrim!" one yells, and the others charge at the Phantom Flasher who turns and runs off.
The cops pursue him.

> wash pots
It might not help much in the scheme of things, but in the short term washing the pots makes you feel a bit better. At least this way if your knob explodes later on, you'll die knowing you did so with a tidy kitchen.
Unfortunately, there's so much junk in the sink that you really haven't got the time to wash all the pots so you settle for washing everything you've eaten off for the last three months and then leave it at that.

> x clothes
Going through the clothes, you happen to come across some really sickly sweets in one pocket. Deciding there's no point in letting them go to waste, you take them with you.

> se
You move southeast.
Front Room
Your front room is every bit as dismal and grimy as it was the last time you were here. Then again, considering you live alone and have an aversion to tidying up this was, perhaps, inevitable. A coffee table covered with empty video packages is situated in the centre of the room. Next to this is your sofa on which you occasionally sprawl to watch TV. The TV itself is looks every bit as battered as you remember.
Exits lie: northwest, southwest and east.

> e
You move east.
Outside Your House
The waste ground ends at your front door although judging by the state of your house if it had been build on the waste ground you doubt anyone would be able to tell where one ended and the other began. The front façade could certainly do with some work and so could the garden. Maybe if you manage to get through today without your genitals exploding messily all over the place you'll come and get this place seen to.
Exits lie: west and southeast.

> se
You move southeast.

Waste Ground
This patch of waste ground is often where you used to come to… relieve a little tension after a hard day's doing nothing. As such, the ground is littered with spent condoms, discarded porn mags and empty bottles. It's also the reputed stomping ground of a large gang of thugs hence your "relievings" tended to be short and sharp.
Exits lie: north, northwest and southeast.

> n
You move north.
Park
The park is quite an idyllic little place filled with old folks, kids throwing Frisbees and dogs taking a shit. There's also a shady fellow in a long dark overcoat standing by the swings but you're sure he doesn't mean any harm and the way he's got his hands in his pockets is merely because he's "adjusting" something down there.
Exits lie: south.

> talk to kids
One of them holds off throwing his Frisbee long enough to glance at you and say, "got any porn on yer, twatface?"
"I have actually," you say.
"It covered in cum?"
"Of course not," you say, brushing a few dried lumps away with the back of your hand.
"I'll give yer some fags for it," the kids offers. "Best offer you'll get all week 'less you hang out with the homos."

> give porno to kids
"Wicked!" says the kid. "Cor! Have you seen the size of the knockers on this bird? Wicked!"
"Blimey," says the other kid, peering at the magazine, "your sister's grown."
"Sure has," says the first kid proudly.
"And your dad's got a big knob."
The first kid smiles with delight. "Goes in the family." He looks up at you. "Still here, yer gay bugger?"
"I'm waiting for my fags," you say.
"Thought you'd have more than enough fags in yer life, homo," the kid quips.
The other just snorts.
"Ah, fuck it," mutters the kid whose sister and father are porn stars. He fishes some soggy fags out of his pants, picks a few pubic hairs off them, then tosses them to you. "Knock yerself out, sheepfucker."

> kill man
"Die, bastard!" you cry and throw yourself at the shady fellow.
While this might not be the most valiant battlecry in the world it causes the man to shit himself and go off running.
"Filthy bastard!" yells a little old lady. "Coming here every bleedin' day, playing with his bleedin' knob, the filthy cocksucker!" She glances at you. "Good on you, friend, for showing that evil bugger what's what! It was getting so decent folk like me couldn't come to the bleedin' park without some shady bugger trying to jerk off at us!"
One of the old men claps you on the back and you feel better than you have in a long time.

> se
You move southeast.
Cobblestone Walk
You're outside the doctor's surgery on Cobblestone Walk, a narrow thoroughfare which runs through the centre of town. At this time of the day it's pretty much deserted but you doubt that state of affairs will last for long. The street extends to the east although the way to your house is northwest, over a patch of waste ground.
Exits lie: northwest, south and east.

> e
You move east.
Town Centre
About you sprawls your home town. It's… But you haven't got the time or the will to describe it in any greater detail right now. You need to have sex and quickly. Already you can feel the first twitches in your todger.
Exits lie: west, northwest, north, northeast and southeast.

> se
You move southeast.
Snodger Lane
This is what is generally known as the "better" part of town, by which you assume means that you don't live here. The houses are all large and the women seriously fit. The entrances to several houses are dotted about the place.
Exits lie: north, east, southeast and northwest.

> n
You move north.
Alicia's House
From the polka dot curtains to the matching china dogs in the windows, you deduce that what Alicia has in looks she certainly loses in house design. The middle of her house is given over to an indoor pool which is unusual but makes a refreshing change from all those stereotypical ones with furniture. A flight of stairs lead up to Alicia's bedroom.
Exits lie: up, in and south. Jenkins the butler is here.

> in
You move in.
Pool
You're swimming in the pool. This is quite a revelation. Firstly because you never knew you could swim and secondly because there looks to be a shark in here with you. Gulp!
Exits lie: out. Everard the pool inspector is here, paddling back and forth.

> talk to everard
"I haven't got time to talk now," says Everard. "I've lost it and the missus will never let me back in the house till I find it."
"Where did you lose it?" you ask. "And what are you doing in Alicia's pool?"
"If I knew I wouldn't have lost it," Everard snaps. "What a silly question! And I'm here in the pool because I'm a pool inspector and thought I might have lost it here."

> talk to everard
"Stop bothering me while I look for my coin!" Everard snaps.

Onto the scene charges the Phantom Flasher, still pursued by the cops. He pauses just long enough to flash his bony arse at you - a sight that will no doubt haunt you for the rest of your life (however many hours that might be) - before running off again. The cops go charging after him.

> give coin to everard
"Ah, my lucky coin, you found it!" he says, snatching it out of your hand.
"Your coin?" you say. "But it was in my-"
Everard waves that away. "Oh, that doesn't matter right now. This might not be my coin but it'll satisfy the misses - we share the coin, y'see, and she's an awfully nasty woman when she wants to be. Well, no use staying here time-wasting. I'm off home."
And before you can even say 'reward', Everard bounds out of the pool and heads for home.

> out
You move out.
Alicia's House
From the polka dot curtains to the matching china dogs in the windows, you deduce that what Alicia has in looks she certainly loses in house design. The middle of her house is given over to an indoor pool which is unusual but makes a refreshing change from all those stereotypical ones with furniture. A flight of stairs lead up to Alicia's bedroom.
Exits lie: up, in and south. Jenkins the butler is here.

> talk to jenkins
"Oh, it's you again," says Jenkins, regarding you the same way you might a leprous beggar that had just clutched your leg. "What is it this time?"

1: "Just checking in to see how you're doing, Jenkins my man."
2: "I've got a terrible illness, Jenkins!"
3: "Any tips for getting laid in this town?"
4: "Seems awful quiet around here today."

> 4
Jenkins frowns. "Indeed it is. I fear that Alicia may well have fallen foul of the law."
"Why would she do that?" you ask.
"Many reasons. I'd go into detail but I've never really cared for you and think it might lower my social standing if I was caught talking to you at length. But I'd be grateful enough to stop insulting you on a second-by-second basis if you were to see if you could find her."

1: "I'll see what I can do."
2: "Forget it! All you do is insult me - why should I help you out?"

> 1
"Good. Return here when you have discovered something useful. Until then, we have nothing more to discuss."

> s
You move south.
Snodger Lane
This is what is generally known as the "better" part of town, by which you assume means that you don't live here. The houses are all large and the women seriously fit. The entrances to several houses are dotted about the place.
Exits lie: north, east, southeast and northwest.

> nw
You move northwest.
Town Centre
About you sprawls your home town. It's… But you haven't got the time or the will to describe it in any greater detail right now. You need to have sex and quickly. Already you can feel the first twitches in your todger.
Exits lie: west, northwest, north, northeast and southeast.

> ne
You move northeast.
Disco
A throbbing disco beat washes over you, giving your ear drums their most merciless pounding since the time a gang of skinheads tried to rip them out with a pair of pliers. People either dancing or in the throes of epileptic fits careen around. Somewhere you hear the sound of people considerably luckier than you having sex.
Exits lie: north, northeast, east, southeast and southwest.

> n
You move north.
More Disco
You're by the bar which is almost completely swamped with underage kids trying to cadge free beer by brandishing weapons and using lots of swear words. The girl serving behind the bar looks harassed to say the least.
Exits lie: south and east.

> buy beer
The girl takes your money (which, by some incredible fluke, comes to exactly the amount required for a drink here) and pours you a pint of... something.
"Best damn beer in town," she says, waving a hand to help disperse the fumes.
"How many types of beer are there?"
"You're looking at it."

> s
You move south.
Disco
A throbbing disco beat washes over you, giving your ear drums their most merciless pounding since the time a gang of skinheads tried to rip them out with a pair of pliers. People either dancing or in the throes of epileptic fits careen around. Somewhere you hear the sound of people considerably luckier than you having sex.
Exits lie: north, northeast, east, southeast and southwest.

> se
You move southeast.
Still Yet More Disco
A door in front of you is marked "Manager's Office" and a sign affixed to it indicates you probably won't be able to gain access to it. A large minder stands in front of the door and to say he looks pleased to see you would be a complete lie.
Exits lie: north and northwest. Jodie is here, partying away.

> talk to jodie
"Hey, beer!" she says, and before you can do anything she snatches it off you and gulps it down in one go.
Ten seconds later when she's still alive, you breathe a sigh of relief.
"I left my purse at home," Jodie explains. "Woo! That drinks..." She sways from side to side. "I think I need to go home for a lie down."
Still swaying, she staggers off.

> n
You move north.
Even More Disco
A gang of skinheads are throwing themselves around here, yelling insults at passersby and trying to brain each other with paving stones which they just so happen to be carrying. Ah, the youth of today.
Exits lie: north and west and south. Mortimer is here, bopping along to the beat.

> talk to mortimer
"Hi there, cool dude!" says Mortimer. "How's it, er, hanging? Is it, er, crucial? Er, er, wicked!"

1: "You're acting like an arse, Mortimer. Calm down."
2: "If you don't mind me saying, you're not doing a very good job of the whole 'cool dude' routine."
3: "Got laid lately?"

> 2
Mortimer sighs. "I know. I've been trying so hard. Mother keeps giving me advice and I follow it, but even so..." He shakes his head. "Just what do I need to do to be cool and attract the birds?"

1: "Have you thought of reincarnation?"
2: "Announce how incredibly rich you are."
3: "Start a rock group."

> 2
"What a spiffing idea!" says Mortimer. "Women are attracted to money. I have money! It can't fail!"
Invigorated by your words, Mortimer goes off to tell the world how rich he is.
Nice to know that even when you're facing certain death from an exploding balls problem, you're still able to think of other people.

> n
You move north.
Yet More Disco
You're in a quiet corner where a young couple are "doing it". No one seems to be paying much attention to them which you find kind of strange but then you're not quite up with youth fashions so maybe a blowjob with Agadoo playing in the background is considered the norm these days.
Exits lie: west, southwest and south. Agnes is here, on the prowl for someone - or something - to share her bed with tonight.

With a sense of disgust, you spy the Phantom Flasher once more, the cops yet again in hot pursuit. The PF gives you a stomach-turning flash of his backside - warts and all as the saying goes - before ducking to one side with the cops still after him.
Their cries of manic rage gradually fade into the distance.

> talk to agnes
"Well, hello," she says, batting her eyelids. "Come lookin' for a good time, lad?"

1: "Sure have, granny. You 'n' me - let's go for it!"
2: "Not bleeding likely!"
3: "I'm looking for a friend of mine called Alicia who seems to have gone missing."

> 3
"I seens 'er," says Agnes thoughtfully. "Pretty young fing. Got 'erself arrested she did 'cos o' that bloke's 'ead she tried ter bash in."
"What bloke?"
"Oh, jus' some gang-banged wot wanted 'is wicked way wiv 'er. She's kicked 'im one where 'it really 'urt den pulled out dis 'ere knife an' she were 'bout 'alf a sec from slittin' 'iz gizzard when der cops showed up 'n' arrested 'er. Right cryin' shame it wuz." Agnes sighed. "Been a while since dey 'ad a good murder in 'ere."

> give sweets to agnes
"Ooh, you're a sweet one," says Agnes, cackling at her own joke (feeble though it was). "Why, if you weren't so damn ugly I'd be tempted to shag you by way of thanks."
"Oh, don't mention it," you say hurriedly and make yourself scarce.

...press a key...

More Disco
You're by the bar which is almost completely swamped with underage kids trying to cadge free beer by brandishing weapons and using lots of swear words. The girl serving behind the bar looks harassed to say the least.
Exits lie: south and east.

> sw
You move southwest.
Town Centre
About you sprawls your home town. It's… But you haven't got the time or the will to describe it in any greater detail right now. You need to have sex and quickly. Already you can feel the first twitches in your todger.
Exits lie: west, northwest, north, northeast and southeast.

> n
You move north.
Police Station
A favourite of your youth, the police station has lost none of its charm. The stainless steel bench by the door to the holding cells still bears the dent your head made when you were thrown against it repeatedly. Ah, happy times.
Behind the counter (where the girl on duty sells souvenir fingerprint kits and bags with 'swag' printed on them), a corridor leads to where suspects are "interrogated" before being carted off to either the hospital or the morgue (whichever is more appropriate at the time).
Exits lie: north, northeast and south.

> give fags to girl
She looks about to yell some vicious insult at you but stops when she sees the fags.
"Man!" she cries. "I'd fuck an ugly bugger for these!"
"Well," you say. "Here I-"
She snatches the fags out of your hand and lights one. Smoke rings float away to the ceiling.
"Woo, that's better," says the girl, seeming quite a bit more relaxed than she was a few minutes ago. "Amazing what a good smoke can do for you."

> fuck girl
"Hi," she says as you slide your dick into her juicy cunt.
"Hi yourself," you reply.
It takes a few minutes to get yourself fully aroused - a little nipple-nibbling does the trick eventually - and then you take her on the counter. An elderly couple wander in at one point to report a murder in the house next door to where they live but when the girl tells them to "fuck off and die!" as you're penetrating her backside, they don't stay long.
When you cum, it's a glorious one: an arc of sticky semen which sprays across a nearby wall and even cleans a few cobwebs off the ceiling.
"Thanks," says the girl afterwards as she wipes your dick clean with an evidence report. "I needed that."
"Me, too," you say. For the first time since you had the terrible news earlier today, you feel a little better about yourself. Your balls might not be out of the frying pan yet but the heat has certainly been turned down.

> ne
You move northeast.
"Interrogation" Room
From the iron maiden on one wall to the rack on the other, you're guessing this must be an interrogation room. The blood pooled on the floor gives further credence to this belief. A chair complete with straps and thumbscrews finishes off this gory ensemble and you're beginning to feel a distinct desire to start screaming already.
Exits lie: southwest. Apparently discarded, some handcuffs are by the rack.

> get handcuffs
You take the handcuffs.

> open iron maiden
You gingerly inch the door open...
And out of it bursts - or, rather, hobbles - a man with one leg, one arm and slightly less than a full head.
"Bwastards!" the man lisps (it seems he doesn't have a full tongue either). "Dey locked me in the bwoody iron mwaiden an' left me ter wot!"
"You must have done something pretty bad to end up in there," you say.
The man spits. Or tries to. Only with a gaping hole in his cheek, the saliva dribbles down the side of his face instead. "Las' bwoody time I swipe an apple fwom a bwoody mwarket stall dat is!"
Still cursing bitterly, he goes staggering towards the door and makes his escape from the police station.

> x rack
The rack is pretty clean at the moment. Oh, aside from the severed head you find. Grisly thing. Acting on the belief that everything has a use somewhere, you take the head with you. If nothing else, it'll be something to keep you company while you face your final moments.

> x thumbscrews
As you prod at the thumbscrews, someone's thumb (no doubt a leftover from an "interrogation" session that the cleaner missed) drops to the floor.

> get thumb
You take the thumb.

> sw
You move southwest.
Police Station
A favourite of your youth, the police station has lost none of its charm. The stainless steel bench by the door to the holding cells still bears the dent your head made when you were thrown against it repeatedly. Ah, happy times.
Behind the counter (where the girl on duty sells souvenir fingerprint kits and bags with 'swag' printed on them), a corridor leads to where suspects are "interrogated" before being carted off to either the hospital or the morgue (whichever is more appropriate at the time).
Exits lie: north, northeast and south.

> s
You move south.
Town Centre
About you sprawls your home town. It's… But you haven't got the time or the will to describe it in any greater detail right now. You need to have sex and quickly. Already you can feel the first twitches in your todger.
Exits lie: west, northwest, north, northeast and southeast.

> nw
You move northwest.
Sex Shop
The sex shop is every bit as dull and grimy as ever. Little seems to change between your visits (although as these are between four to five times a day that's probably not surprising). The aisles are filled with filth and degradation which is pawed through by disgusting old men in raincoats and teenagers giggling hysterically to each other and staging mock fights with dildos for swords. The owner overseeing all this looks thoroughly pissed off with his lot in life.
Exits lie: southeast.

> give head to teenagers
"Blimey!" cries the teenager. "The ugly bugger only went 'un lopped some bugger's 'ead off! Respect!"
"Respect!" cry the other teenagers.
The first teenager reverently takes the head and stares at it with delight.
"C'mon, lads," he says. "Let's go see if we can spook the kids at the nursery by lobbin' this bugger at 'em."
The yobs tear off out of the shop.

> talk to owner
"Oh, it's you again," says the owner, sounding thoroughly pissed off to see you. "Still, I suppose yer did get rid of those pain in the arse hooligans so yer welcome. Here, wan' some chocolates?"
He shoves a box over to you.
"I bought 'em fer me girlfriend," he explains, "but after I threw up over her the other night she said we're through."
You take the chocolates, asking, "why did you throw up on her?"
The owner shakes his head. "You think I shouldn't have? Hmmm. Maybe in hindsight pukin' on her while she was teachin' her class wasn't such a good idea. Ah hell! I ain't good at keepin' up wiv modern women."

> se
You move southeast.
Town Centre
About you sprawls your home town. It's… But you haven't got the time or the will to describe it in any greater detail right now. You need to have sex and quickly. Already you can feel the first twitches in your todger.
Exits lie: west, northwest, north, northeast and southeast.

> w
You move west.

Cobblestone Walk
You're outside the doctor's surgery on Cobblestone Walk, a narrow thoroughfare which runs through the centre of town. At this time of the day it's pretty much deserted but you doubt that state of affairs will last for long. The street extends to the east although the way to your house is northwest, over a patch of waste ground.
Exits lie: northwest, south and east.

Hmmm. Was that big guy with the dark cloak and scythe here when you came by this way last? You don't think so and he's kind of hard to miss.

> nw
You move northwest.
Waste Ground
This patch of waste ground is often where you used to come to… relieve a little tension after a hard day's doing nothing. As such, the ground is littered with spent condoms, discarded porn mags and empty bottles. It's also the reputed stomping ground of a large gang of thugs hence your "relievings" tended to be short and sharp.
Exits lie: north, northwest and southeast.

> s
You move south.

Waste Ground
This patch of waste ground is often where you used to come to… relieve a little tension after a hard day's doing nothing. As such, the ground is littered with spent condoms, discarded porn mags and empty bottles. It's also the reputed stomping ground of a large gang of thugs hence your "relievings" tended to be short and sharp.
Exits lie: north, northwest and southeast.

"Pssst!" hisses a voice.
"Not today," you say. "But last I had a few-"
"No, you silly bwastard!" mutters a voice you know only too well.
Hurrying over to a clump of bushes, you spy the man you freed from the iron maiden.
"Gorra lil fing fer yer!" he says, spraying blood and saliva all over the place. He shoves a bastard sword into your hand. "Go kill 'em all, der scum!"
"Here, hang on," you say as the man scurries off. "I'm not going killing people-"
But he's gone, leaving you standing there carrying the bastard sword in your hand.

> e
You move east.
Jodie's House
Jodie's house is small and quaint, and also rather cluttered. She's the lead singer in a band called Fucking CockSucker!!! and mementoes of their days on the road are strewn everywhere. Attached to the ceiling right above your head is a stainless steel guitar with a vibrator on the end. Unusual to say the least.
Exits lie: east and west.

> e
You move east.
Jodie's Bedroom
Jodie's bedroom has "rock chick" written all over it. Literally. In great big letters across the walls. It looks quite a mess but then you didn't come here to consider the style of the room. It's that bed over there that interests you more…
Exits lie: west. Also here is a note. Jodie is here.

> fuck jodie
"Not - cough! - right now - cough!" she says, pushing you away.

> give syrup to jodie
She takes the syrup and downs it in one go. "Thanks," she says, her coughing having now stopped. "I really needed that."

> fuck jodie
Her cough having subsided, Jodie tears her top off, struggles out of her bra, wrestles her way free of her knickers - and jumps on you! The two of you crash back onto her bed and what follows is, without a doubt, the best sex you've had in, oh, several hours at least. What Jodie lacks in style she sure makes up with enthusiasm (pretty much like you, in fact) and she sure knows how to howl when she reaches orgasm.

...press a key...

You wake up to find yourself alone. A warm feeling rushes through your body due to recent events and you feel that your balls might well be safety from exploding for the time being.

> w
You move west.
Jodie's House
Jodie's house is small and quaint, and also rather cluttered. She's the lead singer in a band called Fucking CockSucker!!! and mementoes of their days on the road are strewn everywhere. Attached to the ceiling right above your head is a stainless steel guitar with a vibrator on the end. Unusual to say the least.
Exits lie: east and west.

> w
You move west.
Snodger Lane
This is what is generally known as the "better" part of town, by which you assume means that you don't live here. The houses are all large and the women seriously fit. The entrances to several houses are dotted about the place.
Exits lie: north, east, southeast and northwest.

> se
You move southeast.
Sarah's House
About the size of a palace and just as expensive looking, Sarah's house looks to be the sort of thing that you'd like to buy if you had a couple million lying around your bank account. Unfortunately you don't.
There are a few little knick knacks here you could stop and examine if you really wanted but it's the circular staircase leading to Sarah's bedroom that you find more interesting.
Exits lie: up and northwest.

> u
You move up.

Sarah's Bedroom
The bedroom is surprisingly empty. In fact there's just the bed and a small cabinet at the side of it and apart from that the room's completely bare. If you'd come here to study the décor you'd doubtless be incredibly disappointed at all this but as you came here to get laid the décor can go hang.
Exits lie: down. Sarah is here, wearing... not a lot actually.

...press a key...

"Hmmm," says Sarah as you enter her bedroom. "If I was the worried sort I might think you're here to rob me."
"Nope, I'm here to fuck you," you say grandly.
"Oh." She grimaces. "I don't suppose there's a handsome fellow lurking under that fuck-ugly exterior, is there?"

1: "I'm the handsomest guy you'll meet today, babe!"
2: "Beauty is only skin deep."
3: "Cor! Worra pair o' knockers!"
4: "Wanna see my knob?"

> 2
"True, but as I'm not interested in whatever's under your skin-" she grimaces at the very thought of it "-then I couldn't give a flying fuck up my arse about any other kind of beauty."
"Speaking of a flying fuck up your arse-"
"The answer's no." Sarah shrugs as if the point isn't one worth pursuing. "I'll ask you to leave if you'd be so kind."

> talk to sarah
She sighs. "What now?"

1: "I have to have sex before the end of the day otherwise my balls will explode!"
2: "You sure are pretty."
3: "Are they implants?"
4: "I suppose a blow job's out of the question?"

> 2
"Yes, I know," she says with the air of one who has heard that a thousand times before. "I've heard it a thousand times before. For some strange reason, men seem to think that I'll shag them if they say nice things to me. Stupid idea."

1: "Of course. But only someone as hot as you could appreciate that."

> 1
Sarah looks about to yell something horrible at you but stops and frowns. "You know..." she says slowly. "You've got a good point there. And now that I take a better look at you, you're not quite so hideous as I first thought."
"Really?"
"I'm being polite, buster. Deal with it. Tell you what, fetch me some chocolates and I may just let you have your wicked way."

> give chocolates to sarah
"Hey, my favourites as well!" she cries. "I'd love to start them now but first-" She whips her top off. "Get stuck in!"
You don't need telling twice.

...press a key...

As fucks go, this one is a classic. You start by giving her delightfully drawn-out assfuck, move on to her cunt and climax (in both senses of the word) by spraying her cute-as-hell tits with cum. As an added bonus, Sarah even lets you watch as she licks it off. An an extra added bonus, she gives you the blow job of your life, one that leaves your knob feeling better than it has done for a long, long time.

...press a key...

You open your eyes, not even aware you had fallen asleep, to find yourself alone. The bedroom stinks of cum (hardly surprising considering that you doused the walls a few times during your sex session) and the bed... well, the less said about the state of the bed the better. Of Sarah there is no sign. Nor the chocolates.
Still, you commend yourself on a job well done and the problem of your exploding balls seems much more distant than it did this time an hour ago.

> d
You move down.
Sarah's House
About the size of a palace and just as expensive looking, Sarah's house looks to be the sort of thing that you'd like to buy if you had a couple million lying around your bank account. Unfortunately you don't.
There are a few little knick knacks here you could stop and examine if you really wanted but it's the circular staircase leading to Sarah's bedroom that you find more interesting.
Exits lie: up and northwest.

> nw
You move northwest.
Snodger Lane
This is what is generally known as the "better" part of town, by which you assume means that you don't live here. The houses are all large and the women seriously fit. The entrances to several houses are dotted about the place.
Exits lie: north, east, southeast and northwest.

> talk to jenkins
"She's been arrested, has she?" says Jenkins when you tell him. "Hmmm. That complicates matters. But I have been working on a plan since you have been gone. Here."
He hands you a brick.
"What's this?" you ask.
"A brick."
"Yes, I can see-"
"The best way to get Alicia out of the police station - which is where, no doubt, she will be held on account of the fact that this crummy little town doesn't have a prison - is to get yourself arrested and put in the same cell as her."
You stare at the brick. "And you want me to attack someone with this?"
"Yes. Some hapless soul in the town centre should do the trick. Oh, don't look like that. They're all commoners there so it's not like you won't be doing the world a favour by clearing it of a few of them. Best of luck."

> give bastard sword to girl
"Hey, I recognise this weapon," she says. "It's the one that shady bugger we had in the cell used to slice off Sergeant Henry's willy. Just let the swine wait till ol' Henry gets hold of him."

> give handcuffs to girl
"Ah, thanks," she says. "I was wondering where they got to."

> give thumb to girl
"Thanks for that," the girl says. "I'll have to have a word with Steve about leaving bits of suspects all over the place."

> talk to dilbert
"Hi there," you say. "I'm-"
Dilbert takes one look at the brick in your hand and goes pale. "You're here to whack me, aren't you?"
"Er, no, I'm-"
"HELP! HELP! HE'S GONNA WHACK ME WIV THAT THERE BRICK!"
Before you can say anything, several cops jump you and drag you off kicking and screaming (they doing the kicking, you doing the screaming) to the police station.

...press a key...

Holding Cell
You're not sure if it's politically correct to chain skeletons to the walls in here but as Bony isn't complaining you probably shouldn't yourself. The floor is lined with drains to carry away all the mess from the prisoners as toilets aren't a big commodity here. A door in the south wall leads out of here but, maybe quite predictably, it's locked. In one wall, a barred window gives an excellent view of the sewage works next door.
Exits lie: south. Alicia is here, looking very afraid.

"And stay in there!" barks an angry-faced cop as he slams the door behind you.
"Don't I get to make my one phone call?" you ask.
The cop considers this for as long as it takes him to say "nah!" then wanders off.

> talk to alicia
"Jenkins sent me," you say.
Alicia sighs. "He thinks I'm just a kid really," she complains. "I mean, every time I get locked up he goes and finds some way to get me out. I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything, but just once it'd be nice if he'd let me do something for myself."
Silence descends on the cell.
Finally Alicia sighs again then says, "okay, so what lame ass plan have you got for getting us out of here?"

1: "We should jump the guard when he brings us our meal."
2: "You should pretend to die so they'll call an ambulance and we can escape on the way."
3: "Flash your tits to the guards."
4: "I've got this brick and I reckon that I can bash a way through that window with it."

> 4
"That sounds like a better plan than the others. When you're ready just say 'shazam'."
"Shazam?"
"Yes, it'll be like a secret codeword to let me know you're about to spring into action."

> fuck alicia
Alicia looks about to refuse but, considering the circumstances, she just nods her head and lets you have your wicked way with her. And while a shit-smelling holding cell might not be the ideal place for having your wicked way, you're relieved to say the experience is one well worth having.
After wiping herself off, Alicia says, "are we going to escape now then?"

> shazam
"Go for it then," says Alicia.
You go over to the window and bash it several times with your brick. Surprisingly the window falls out into the street outside! They sure don't make holding cells like they used to!
Before any cops can come and investigate all the noise, you and Alicia squeeze through the window and flee the holding cell.

...press a key...

Town Centre
About you sprawls your home town. It's… But you haven't got the time or the will to describe it in any greater detail right now. You need to have sex and quickly. Already you can feel the first twitches in your todger.
Exits lie: west, northwest, north, northeast and southeast.

"Thanks for the rescue," Alicia says, planting a big kiss on your face. "Come to my house later and I'll give you your proper reward."
She wanders off.

> talk to jenkins
"Well done," says Jenkins grudgingly. "I have to confess, I fully expected you to mess things up and get killed in the process."
"I'm pleased you had such confidence in me, Jenkins," you say. "It means a lot."
"Indeed," says Jenkins. He checks his watch. "My, is that the time? Must be going. Things to, ah, do. People to, ah, see."
He wanders off, wiping at his hand where you tried to shake hands.

> u
You move up.

Alicia's Bedroom
A large bed dominates this room and the rest of it…
Hell, you don't care about the rest of it. It's the bed that bothers you!
Exits lie: down. Alicia is here, looking very afraid.

"Well, hi there," says Alicia looking pleased to see you (definitely a first for you as far as attractive women are concerned. "Here to have your wicked way with me?"

> fuck alicia
Throwing Alicia back onto the bed, you mount her and 'do your thing'. You've never been entirely certain what 'do your thing' means but if it means to have sex with a beautiful woman, then you certainly do that today.

> assfuck alicia
Sliding yourself into her creamy white ass, you give her the assfucking of her life. A particularly good moment is when you both orgasm together.

> suck alicia's tits
Alicia's tits are big, round and, in your humble opinion, pretty damn perfect. You can't think of many things you'd sooner do than spend a half hour sucking on them, and, indeed, sucking on them is so much fun you don't stop at just a mere half hour.
"We'll have to stop soon," Alicia says later on. "I think my nipples are about to come loose."
"Mmhhmhmhm," you say, your mouth a little numb after all the effort you've put it through.
But boy - it sure was worth it!

> kiss alicia
Feeling in a romantic mood, you snog Alicia for several minutes. While this isn't as exciting as all the other things you're planning to do with her, it is, nevertheless, well worth the effort.

> z
Time passes...

> z
Time passes...

There is suddenly a loud yelling sound and the man who earlier gave you the bastard sword comes charging into view, pursued by several cops!
"Bastards!" he cries. "You'll never take me alive!"
"Fine with us!" snarls the biggest of the cops, and they jump on the man and proceed to smash him into the ground.
After several minutes of relentless police brutality (sometimes you regret not having a camcorder on you to capture these moments forever), the cops pick up the half-dead man and wander off with him.

> get truncheon
You take the truncheon.

> d
You move down.
Alicia's House
From the polka dot curtains to the matching china dogs in the windows, you deduce that what Alicia has in looks she certainly loses in house design. The middle of her house is given over to an indoor pool which is unusual but makes a refreshing change from all those stereotypical ones with furniture. A flight of stairs lead up to Alicia's bedroom.
Exits lie: up, in and south.

> w
You move west.
Cobblestone Walk
You're outside the doctor's surgery on Cobblestone Walk, a narrow thoroughfare which runs through the centre of town. At this time of the day it's pretty much deserted but you doubt that state of affairs will last for long. The street extends to the east although the way to your house is northwest, over a patch of waste ground.
Exits lie: northwest, south and east. Death is here, regarding the people who pass by with an air of boredom.

> s
You move south.
Waiting Room
Also known as the "Stick 'Em In There And Hope They Die So I Don't Have To See 'Em Room", the waiting room is smelly and dark. Several dying people are propped up against each other, none of them looking like they'll survive the day. The stench of their illnesses is enough to make you feel ill yourself.
Exits lie: east and north.

> e
You move east.
Doctor Grim's Office
You're in the office of Doctor Grim, the town quack. While you generally avoid doctors like the plague (unless you have the plague in which case you're only too happy to see them), on this occasion you made an exception.
The office is small, cramped and dismally lit. A row of filing cabinets along one wall are about the only interesting thing you can see apart from the doctor's desk.
Exits lie: west.

> open cabinet
Swinging the truncheon like a maniac, you bring it smashing down on the cabinet - which flies open under the pressure!
Inside you find a small scroll which you take with you.

> read scroll
It reads: "Many thanks for playing Barney's Problem. It's the first adult interactive fiction I've written so feedback is appreciated. Send comments to me@dwhyld.plus.com or if that e-mail address isn't working (and I might well have changed it by the time you play this) try going to my website at www.shadowvault.net and have a look there.

"You might be wondering at just what purpose opening the cabinet serves but the answer is that it doesn't really serve any purpose. It's just one of those little things I like putting in my games! On the other hand, opening the cabinet got you 2 points and reading this scroll had got you 3, so the best possible ending is looking more likely for you than it was a few minutes ago."

Hmmm. What a strange scroll.

> give truncheon to girl
"Thanks for returning that," says the girl, flashing you a smile. "Sergeant Henry is always leaving it at the scene of his suspect 'disciplinings'."

> w
You move west.
Cobblestone Walk
You're outside the doctor's surgery on Cobblestone Walk, a narrow thoroughfare which runs through the centre of town. At this time of the day it's pretty much deserted but you doubt that state of affairs will last for long. The street extends to the east although the way to your house is northwest, over a patch of waste ground.
Exits lie: northwest, south and east. Death is here, regarding the people who pass by with an air of boredom.

> talk to death
"GREETINGS AGAIN," says Death. "ARE YOU READY TO DIE YET?"

1: "Fuck you, you skeleton-faced bastard!"
2: "Any - gulp! - chance I won't die?"
3: "Got any useful tips for me, Mr Death?"
4: "I'm ready to go."

> 4
"VERY WELL," says Death. "LET'S SEE HOW YOU'VE DONE."

...press a key...

Death looks... surprised. "WELL, BUGGER ME WITH A BARGEPOLE," He says. "YOU ACTUALLY WENT AND DID EVERY LITTLE THING POSSIBLE. INCLUDING THE NON-OBVIOUS STUFF. MY, YOU MUST EITHER BE THE WORLD'S MOST AMAZING PERSON OR A DOWNRIGHT CHEAT." He peers deep into you eyes. "I'LL RESERVE JUDGEMENT ON THE SUBJECT FOR NOW BUT I'M KEEPING MY EYESOCKETS ON YOU, BARNEY."
"What about my balls?" you ask. "Are they safe?"
"FOR THE TIME BEING: PERFECTLY SAFE. IN FACT, IF THEY WERE MADE OF STEEL AND SEALED IN A BOX OF REINFORCED CONCRETE, THEY COULDN'T BE SAFER. WELL DONE, BARNEY."

...press a key...

It looks like you've reached the end of the game, and not just any ending (there are five in total), but the best one of the bunch! Well done indeed, Barney!

Oh, and the password to the game, if you're wondering, is BABYLON.