> dig
Gertrude, cheapskate that she is (it's one of the reasons you married her), hasn't even bothered with a coffin. She's just dug a hole, thrown you in it and then filled it up. So digging your way out should prove a doddle…

Only, of course, you're not some supremely fit person who regularly digs himself out of his own grave but a guy who makes a living selling curtain rings. After a minute's frantic digging, you're pretty near to exhaustion. Maybe there's another way out…?

> dig
"Persevere," you tell yourself (or would, only there's a lot of soil around and you don't want to swallow it by opening your mouth) and dig some more.
You seem to make a little progress this time although whether that's really the case or simply a yearning desire to be out of this grave you can't say.

Okay, ignore if you will the fact that it's completely pitch black in here so in all honesty you can't see a damn thing. But in the interests of having a first location which is a bit more descriptive than "It's dark!" certain liberties have got to be taken. If it makes you feel any better, feel free to play this portion of the game with your eyes closed.

> dig
"I'm coming for you, Gertrude," you mutter (and this time you do open your mouth so you do get a mouthful of soil. Normally this would be a terrible experience but after a lifetime of eating Gertrude's cooking, you're pretty much immune to foul tastes and so rather than do you in the soil just tastes a bit off.
Dig…
Dig…
Dig…
And, finally, you break free of the grave and crawl up into the back garden.


--The Back Garden--
You're by your own grave in the back garden. Right in the middle of the damn petunias! You spent an age getting them just right and then that hateful thing you married went and dug a great big flaming hole in the middle of them! South is the house you and your loved one share, down is the grave she tried to bury you in.

> s
You creep into the house.


--The Kitchen--
Gertrude looks to have left things in a right state. Typical of her! You'd think that even if she was planning to murder someone, she could at least have left the kitchen tidy!
There's a fridge, cooker and sink here, none of them looking at all interesting, or maybe that's just your current state of mind (you're never in a good mood on days when someone has tried to kill you). A door leads north to the garden and there's another east to the lounge. Downwards is the murky cellar where that gem you married is too scared to set foot in case she gets eaten by giant rats.

> open fridge
You open it, expecting to see the usual sights: milk a few months past its sell by date, rotten meat, some cheese with its own colony of mould… instead you see the severed head of the milkman. Hmmm. You're sure this wasn't there yesterday. I mean, you'd have noticed right? Well, it's there now and by the look of things it's not going anywhere. As you consider whether to take it or not, the head gives a little lurch and tumbles out onto the floor.
You let the door swing shut.

> get head
You take the milkman's head.

> d

--The Cellar--
Well what do you know? There's an actual coffin in the cellar! Yep, raised up on a plinth of all things. It reminds you of the kind of thing you tend to see in vampire films although whether there's a lord of the undead asleep in your cellar you couldn't really say. He certainly wasn't here the last time you came down here to do some cleaning up. Some steps lead back up to the kitchen.

> open coffin
You inch open the coffin and-
Good grief! There's someone in here! What a surprise!
Actually, it's not really a surprise because you just knew there'd be someone in there. But what is a surprise is that it isn't a vampire like you'd expected but, instead, some smelly tramp-like figure with gnarled teeth, mottled skin and mad eyes which are staring at you-
Staring at you? Uh-oh! It's awake!
Before you can do anything, the ghoul (you're guessing that's what it is but your life as a curtain ring salesman hasn't really prepared you for identifying the various members of the undead) grabs you by the throat and-
"Hey!" it croaks. "You brought dinner!"
Before you can protest, the ghoul snatches the milkman's head out of your hands and begins to messily chomp on it. As he does, quite unbeknown to him, a knife which was lying in his coffin, drops to the floor where you quickly swipe it before he notices.
After he's finished, he lies back down inside the coffin with a satisfied sigh.
"Hang on!" you say. "What are doing in my cellar? I have a right to know."
"I'm here because I'm here," says the ghoul philosophically.
"That makes no sense."
"A lot of things in this world make no sense, my friend. Bush winning the election… now there's a real puzzler."
You have to admit he has a point there.

> u

--The Kitchen--
Gertrude looks to have left things in a right state. Typical of her! You'd think that even if she was planning to murder someone, she could at least have left the kitchen tidy!
There's a fridge, cooker and sink here, none of them looking at all interesting, or maybe that's just your current state of mind (you're never in a good mood on days when someone has tried to kill you). A door leads north to the garden and there's another east to the lounge. Downwards is the murky cellar where that gem you married is too scared to set foot in case she gets eaten by giant rats.

> e

--The Lounge--
It's empty! Would you credit it? That sweetheart you married has only gone and cleared out all your stuff - your bottle top collection! Your Lego set! Your matchboxes! All gone! Ahhhh, the tragedy!
All she's left is the broken TV and a lamp which is also broken. You stare in dismay at this and barely notice the exits, one to the west and one leading up.

> get tv
Normally you wouldn't bother carrying a TV around with you but as your dear beloved one tried to kill you today you're in a funny mood, so if you want to carry a TV around with you then, damnit, you'll carry a TV around with it.

> u

--The Hallway--
The hallway winds around the whole of the second floor of your house. Whole? Well, there's your and your dearest's bedroom to the west and the bathroom to the east. You really feel 'whole' should mean something a bit bigger but there you are. The sound of someone singing can be heard from the bathroom. Steps lead down, though you've probably already guessed this considering you must have come up them to get here.

> e
--The Bathroom--
Some people go for bathrooms with style, others for bathrooms with class. You, on the other hand, just decided "toilet, sink, that'll do me." You missed the bath out unfortunately but you can't be expected to think of everything. However, the door leading west to the hallway is fully functional (aside from not closing that is). Some chap called Bob is here.
The moment you step into the bathroom, the singing cuts out and Bob looks at you. "Well, well, and who might you be, fellow? You look like someone the cat just dragged in."
"This is my house," you say, half tempted to add 'you arrogant little *******' for good measure but deciding not to.
"Oh. Right. I'm the guy seeing your missus is seeing on the sly. Mighty fine woman she is. Say..." He frowns. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"
"Apparently."
"Damn. That's a shame. Y'know, I ain't in for this 'three folks in a relationship' lark so what say you pay me off and I'll leave you two lovebirds alone."
Or, you consider, why not just kill him and be done with it?

> give tv to bob
"Hey, great," says Bob as you hand over the TV. "A genuine TV what don't even work! I'll be the envy of me friends with this."
He heads out, chortling to himself over his remarkably good fortune.
Now for your darling wife...

> w

--The Hallway--
The hallway winds around the whole of the second floor of your house. Whole? Well, there's your and your dearest's bedroom to the west and the bathroom to the east. You really feel 'whole' should mean something a bit bigger but there you are. The sound of silence can be heard from the bathroom. It's a beautiful sound. Steps lead down, though you've probably already guessed this considering you must have come up them to get here.

> w
You step into the bedroom.


--The Bedroom--
The bedroom you share with the love of your life. It's not much of a bedroom to share actually and as it lacks a bed you're not even sure that it's right to call it a bedroom. The darling thing you married thought it would be different to have mattresses on the floor so that's what she did. Were you happy with this? Er... not really but then you have to make sacrifices in marriage and this was yours.
"What are you doing in here?" yelps your lovely wife. "You should be dead!"
You raise the knife. "I'm here to kill you."
"Huh!" She yells "BOB" and seems surprised when Bob doesn't come rushing in from the bathroom.
"I got rid of Bob," you say, offering her a smirk. "I thought it was better it was just... the two of us."
You had half expected her to beg for mercy or perhaps reason with you. But not so with your dearest one.
She goes straight for your groin with her steel-tipped boots.

It's a vicious fight and not one you're especially proud of. The light of your life fights with sheer nastiness that you, in your career as a curtain ring salesman have never encountered, and it's all you can do to defend yourself with the knife you swiped from the ghoul. But gradually you manage to beat her back. It's when you get in a good blow and cut both of her arms off that things really start going your way...

[more]

You don't kill her. That would be cruel. It would also be a bit on the illegal side and while the jewel of your eye didn't balk at the idea of killing you, you like to consider you're a bit above that kind of deplorable behaviour. So you sew her arms back on (one is back to front but you guess that's a suitable punishment for attempted murder) and then forgive her.
Or pretend to at any rate. You'll certainly be keeping an eye on her from now on.




Well done. You got to the end of this short but extremely silly game. Consider yourself a fully-fledged member of the Curtain Ring Salesman's Guild.