Shadow Vault Website

Cowboy Blues by David Whyld

> 1
Okay, on with the game...

First of all, let's have a few questions:

Do you want to play the gory version (complete with exploding heads, disemboweled corpses and the odd severed limb thrown in for good measure) or would you prefer the clean version (which still includes lots of murder, bloodshed, etc, etc, but done in a nice, wholesome way)?

1) Gimme the blood and guts! I can handle it!

2) Gimme the wishywashynambypamby- er clean and wholesome version

> 2
The nice version it is.

And how about difficulty? Do you like thinking things through for yourself, reasoning out how to do puzzles and solve mysteries all on your own? Or do you prefer everything to be really, really simple and the only challenge being whether you can finish the game in time for Eastenders? (i.e. when the going gets tough, the tough grab the hints book and to hell with gamesmanship.)

1) I wanna play the hard version. As hard as hard can be. I wanna be mowed down with gunfire completely at random, have items inexplicably disappear from my inventory just when I need them most and I want the puzzles to be so damn difficult I'll never finish the game!

2) I like a challenge but not too much of a challenge (i.e. I'm happy to have a go at puzzles providing they're really really easy).

3) I hate playing games the proper way! I wanna cheat! Make it as easy as easy can be!

> 3
The 'setting for cheats' it is.

YOUR HOUSE
As locations go in which to start an adventure, this is not the most thrilling one you could hope for. Your 'house' actually consists of two rooms, one on top of each other (the upper 'floor' being off limits due to a slight problem with the stairs). Crammed into here are your bed, tv, wardrobe, desk, dining room table, kitchen sink, bath and various other sundry items. A window looks out onto the street outside. You can go: south (through the front door)

> south
You move south.
BABBAGE STREET
You're on Babbage Street just outside your (for want of a better word) 'house'. What a depressing state it is. Maybe when the cowboy business takes off big time - which you have complete confidence it will - you'll be able to buy yourself something with a bit more style.
Across from your house is the local arcade where you whiled away many years of your misspent youth. You can go: north (to your house), south (to the arcade), east (to Stonetomb Square) and west (to the corner of 5th and Mason)

As you leave your house, there is a sudden flash of gunfire and a thud as something strikes you painfully in the chest.
"Shoot, da sucka wearin' a darn bullet-proof vest!" screeches an indignant voice.
"Crime doesn't pay," you say to the figure who turns out to be none other than Gragg Thugg, one of a gang of notorious murderers who have been terrorising Stonetomb in recent months. "Now throw down the gun and turn yourself in. You know it's the sensible thing to do."
Gragg sneers. "Never, peeg! You'll have to keel me before ah surrender!"
And with those few words of wisdom, he throws down the book of poetry he was reading and scarpers to the east.

> east
You move east.
STONETOMB SQUARE
You're in Stonetomb Square, the 'thriving' heart of the town. A gallows and guillotine have been erected here for many a year and a weekly tradition is the old game of "who's next for the head basket?", generally played with whoever is unfortunate enough to be around at the time. A row of stalls line the rest of the square although none of them appear to be selling much. The stallowners are standing around looking lost.
Roads branch off from the square in many directions. You can go: north (to Stonetomb Bank), northeast (along Murder Avenue), east (to Slaughter Row), southeast (to the sheriff's office), south (to Blood Alley) and west (to Babbage Street)

Toby is here, smiling happily as people rush by him on all sides.

> south
You move south.
BLOOD ALLEY
In each town there's at least one place where it's certain death to venture without an armed bodyguard and a sizeable bribe, and Blood Alley is Stonetomb's place. The name is derived from the unfortunate colouring of the walls (said to be as a result of quite a few people over the years having their heads cracked open on them). Littering the ground are, amongst other things, several overflowing dustbins, a dead beggar, a family of man-eating cats and what appears to be a large banana. You can go: north (to Stonetomb Square)

> x beggar
The moment you approach the beggar, he sits up. Not bad for a corpse, you can't help thinking.
"Gaah!" he cries upon seeing you. "Come to rob me have yer? Ah, I know the sort!"
"I actually thought you were dead," you say.
"Hah! Lie around not breathing on the floor of a grimy alley for a week or two and people think you're dead." He sneers some more then gets to his feet. "Well, I'll be off if it's all the same with you. Unless you've got anything you'd care to ask me."
"Well actually-"
"Didn't think so," says the dead/not dead beggar. "Be seein' you around, fellow."
And he turns and wanders off out of the alley, thus bringing to an end the weirdest encounter of your life to date.

> north
You move north.
STONETOMB SQUARE
You're in Stonetomb Square, the 'thriving' heart of the town. A gallows and guillotine have been erected here for many a year and a weekly tradition is the old game of "who's next for the head basket?", generally played with whoever is unfortunate enough to be around at the time. A row of stalls line the rest of the square although none of them appear to be selling much. The stallowners are standing around looking lost.
Roads branch off from the square in many directions. You can go: north (to Stonetomb Bank), northeast (along Murder Avenue), east (to Slaughter Row), southeast (to the sheriff's office), south (to Blood Alley) and west (to Babbage Street)

Toby is here, smiling happily as people rush by him on all sides.

> se
You move southeast.
SHERIFF'S OFFICE
For such a violent town, Stonetomb has a decidely modest sheriff's office consisting of just two rooms (one of these being where you're standing right now and the other where they lock the criminals up). A noticeboard off to one side displays a list of all the recent lawbreakers currently wanted by the sheriff. You can go: northwest (to Stonetomb Square) and south (to the cells)

Sheriff Calhoun is here.

> talk to sheriff calhoun
"Howdy, weirdo," the sheriff says with that unusual sense of humour of his. "You here for the job?"
"Job?" you echo, always ready with a dumb answer when one is required.
"Job," the sheriff affirms. He pauses to spit on the floor before adding, "I be needin' a new deputy on account o' the fact that ol' Seamus retired."
"I thought Seamus got hung by a gang of outlaws."
The sheriff shrugs. "Retired. Hung. Whatever. You innerested?"
Interesting question. Are you innerested?

1) Yes
2) No

> 1
"Excellent!" the sheriff says. He grabs your hand and shakes it until your wrist feels like it's become disconnected. "Now, I gotta gives you a test 'fore I'm sure you're up to the job. Head over the saloon and arrest ol' Whitey, I hear the no good loser's been causin' trouble again. I'd take him on myself only it's more a deputy's job than a sheriff's. Come back here when it's done."

> nw
You move northwest.
STONETOMB SQUARE
You're in Stonetomb Square, the 'thriving' heart of the town. A gallows and guillotine have been erected here for many a year and a weekly tradition is the old game of "who's next for the head basket?", generally played with whoever is unfortunate enough to be around at the time. A row of stalls line the rest of the square although none of them appear to be selling much. The stallowners are standing around looking lost.
Roads branch off from the square in many directions. You can go: north (to Stonetomb Bank), northeast (along Murder Avenue), east (to Slaughter Row), southeast (to the sheriff's office), south (to Blood Alley) and west (to Babbage Street)

Toby is here, smiling happily as people rush by him on all sides.

> east
You move east.
SLAUGHTER ROW
Despite the ominous name, Slaughter Row is just a pleasant little street where the weeds are fighting a battle with the tiles for domination over the ground. Very little seems to be going on around these parts although rumours have it that the warehouse to the west is supposed to be haunted and the river (or river bed actually) to the east is home to a strange and maniacal man. You can go: west (to Stonetomb Square), southwest (into the warehouse) and east (to the river bed)

> west
You move west.
SLAUGHTER ROW
Despite the ominous name, Slaughter Row is just a pleasant little street where the weeds are fighting a battle with the tiles for domination over the ground. Very little seems to be going on around these parts although rumours have it that the warehouse to the west is supposed to be haunted and the river (or river bed actually) to the east is home to a strange and maniacal man. You can go: west (to Stonetomb Square), southwest (into the warehouse) and east (to the river bed) An insane cackle is heard from somewhere to the east.

> east
You move east.
DRY RIVER BED
You stand in a very dry river bed, home of... not much really. A pile of garbage rises somewhat unmajestically in the middle and seems to have been moulded to look like someone's home (or all things). Footprints in the mud around this pile indicate that someone is living here, or at least frequenting it from time to time. You can go: west (to Slaughter Row)

Shem is here shambling back and forth and muttering to himself. "Ah, the one who was foretold has returned!" proclaims Shem, standing knee deep in the mud of the dry river bed and holding his hands up as if welcoming back a long lost relative. "Glory be! The one who will free us from the evil dragon who threatens our castle-"
"What castle?" you ask.
Shem pauses, glances around and curses. "Bugger! No castle! Okay, okay, I got this... You're here to save us from an evil vampire who wants to dominate-"
"No."
"Bugger! How about... er, you're here to solve the murders? There were these three-"
"No."
"Aw hell!" Shem dances in frustration for a second then sighs. "Well, are you here to stop Mad Jake and the Thuggs from terrorising Stonetomb?"
"Indeed I am," you say.
Shem snaps his fingers. (This is quite painful and he spends the next few minutes howling in pain and trying to slip the dislocated bones back into the relevant sockets.) "Ha! I knew it! I just knew it! I just said all the other stuff for a laugh. Anyway..." He scratches his hair, dislodging several rodents that seem to have taken up residence there, and looks at you. "Hmm. As heroes go, you're not up to much. Where's your sword? Your gun? Your staff of burning blood?"
"Er..."
Shem waves a hand. "Never mind! You're here and that's the main thing. You're here for my help no doubt because you've heard that Mad Jake can only be defeated with the forces of the good and righteous on your side and the forces of the good and righteous will only side with you if you ally yourself to the might that is Shem. Correct?"
You hesitate - especially as you've never even heard of Shem or the 'forces of the good and righteous' before - but then nod and say, "of course, that's it in a nutshell", wondering as you do just whether this strange figure is actually going to be any use to you or not.
You kind of suspect not.
"I see you have the light of goodness about you," Shem goes on to say, "and I see you leading a long and glorious life." He peers at you more closely. "Or is it that you die a bloody and brutal death at the hands of Mad Jake? Hmm." He shrugs. "Moot point. You'll go against Mad Jake because it's the sort of thing you hero-types do. It just wouldn't be in your nature to stand aside and do nothing. Plus, of course, Stonetomb isn't that big that you can just spend your life wandering the streets. Eventually you'll have to go and take Mad Jake on if for no reason than you're getting bored and have nothing else to do. So listen up and I'll explain how things are going to go:
"I want you to fight three items and bring them to me-"
He pauses again as you start sighing.
"What?" asks Shem.
"Can't you just give me the help I need?" you say. "I mean, why do I have to go and fetch three items for you?"
"Because," says Shem. "Just because."
"And these items are, no doubt, really difficult to come by and not the sort of thing I'm likely to find just lying around on the ground?"
"Er, could be, could be. I see you're familiar with this sort of thing. Right, onto the items..."
And Shem goes on to relate the items you need to find for him: a marble, a battery and a mattress.
"Why those three?" you ask when he's finished relating. "I mean, what possible use could a marble, a battery or a mattress be to you?"
Shem shrugs. "That's neither here nor there. And since when has a text adventure got to make sense?" he adds with a nasty grin. "So off you go and fetch what I asked you for. And," he adds, "don't think you can just find any old bed and strip the mattress off it. I want a special mattress."
"Would it be worth asking why?"
"I doubt it very much."
So you make a mental note of the three items you need - marble, battery, mattress - and then, stifling a yawn, go off to find them.

> x garbage
You spend some time studying the garbage and conclude two things: a) that it's completely useless and b) that it looks like someone has left markings along the side of it.

> x markings
The markings are written in either a complex, archaic language which you have great difficulty making head or tail of, or it's the latest version of street slang and you just don't have a clue about-
Hang on! You crouch down, turn your head at an angle, and study the markings some more. Gradually you manage to make them out. They seem to speak of the location of an item of colossal importance which is to be found outside the saloon. Apparently just waiting around in the general vicinity will allow you to see the item in question.
Very strange.

> west
You move west.
STONETOMB SQUARE
You're in Stonetomb Square, the 'thriving' heart of the town. A gallows and guillotine have been erected here for many a year and a weekly tradition is the old game of "who's next for the head basket?", generally played with whoever is unfortunate enough to be around at the time. A row of stalls line the rest of the square although none of them appear to be selling much. The stallowners are standing around looking lost.
Roads branch off from the square in many directions. You can go: north (to Stonetomb Bank), northeast (along Murder Avenue), east (to Slaughter Row), southeast (to the sheriff's office), south (to Blood Alley) and west (to Babbage Street)

Toby is here, smiling happily as people rush by him on all sides.

> west
You move west.
BABBAGE STREET
You're on Babbage Street just outside your (for want of a better word) 'house'. What a depressing state it is. Maybe when the cowboy business takes off big time - which you have complete confidence it will - you'll be able to buy yourself something with a bit more style.
Across from your house is the local arcade where you whiled away many years of your misspent youth. You can go: north (to your house), south (to the arcade), east (to Stonetomb Square) and west (to the corner of 5th and Mason)

Also here is a book of poetry.

> west
You move west.
CORNER OF FIFTH AND MASON
You're lurking outside the Stonetomb Saloon on the corner of Fifth and Mason. Several people of the female variety eye you up from the saloon, making you blush an amusing shade of red. The saloon itself is a murky brown colour, the outer walls not having seen a decent coat of paint in many a long year. A piece of tree bark cunningly fashioned into a (vague) door shape leads inwards. You can go: east (to Babbage Street), southwest (to a long dusty road) and northwest (to the saloon)

Jeb is here looking as cool as ever.

> nw
You move northwest.
SALOON
The best (and only) saloon in town is a tawdry shadow of its former self. The fights that have raged here over the years have taken their toll on the interior and these days it's pretty much a collection of broken chairs, tables and lots of dust. As such, the only people to be found here are the drunks who have nowhere else to go, the card players and the ones here for 'other' amusements.
The bar is a square situated in the centre of the main area, in which the bartender - a former sports star you gather - is combing his hair and admiring the female customers. Whitey is by the bar, currently slamming someone's head into it. You can go: southeast (to the corner of Fifth and Mason)

Speckle, Normal, Dyanne, Spam and Cestus are here. There is a sudden crash from one side of the saloon and an unconscious man is hurled across a table. At the same time, two people minding their own business at the bar have a block of wood slammed down on their heads.
"Whitey!" yells Spam. "I've warned you before about coming in here and killing my customers! It's not good for business! Get out! You're barred!"
Whitey, a hulking fellow who looks about as friendly as a rabid rottweiler (and just about as clever), grabs Spam by the throat and yells in his face, "yeah? And who's man enough here to throw me out, eh?" He glances around the saloon, his challenge evident. "Well? Anyone?"

> arrest whitey
"The game's over, Whitey," you say in your best authority voice. "I'm here to bring you in."
Whitey drops the guy he was choking, takes his foot off the throat of another unfortunate, and steps towards you. "You an' whose army, stranger?"
"Me and this army," you say and show him the knife.
Whitey shrugs. "You think that bothers me?"
"No, but I think this will," you say and hit him in the face while his intention is focused on the knife.
Down goes Whitey (as do his hopes of grandchildren). You order a couple of drunks to cart him down to the cells at the sheriff's office.

> talk to spam
"Well, well, if it isn't the friendly neighbourhood cowboy," says Spam as he fusses with his hair. "How's the crime-fighting business, pardner?"

1) It's going pretty well.
2) I need information on Mad Jake and the Thuggs and figured you'd be the best person in town to talk to.
3) Seems quiet in here today.
4) Anything you need a hand with?

> 2
"You figured that because I'm a bartender I must know something because people always confide all their troubles to bartenders, right?" Spam asks. "Man, I hate that stereotype!"

1) So do you know anything or not?
2) Fair enough. Let me ask you something else.

> 1
"Not a thing," says Spam indignantly. "Well, aside from a little tidbit I heard that Gragg Thugg is supposed to be hanging out in some warehouse on Slaughter Row and that you'd need this key to get the door open." Spam slides a key across the bar to you. "He left a spare in case he got drunk and lost his own. But that's all I know!" he adds angrily. "Damn, I hate people trying to stereotype me!"

1) You've been a big help, Spam. Let me question you some more.

> 1
"How's the crime-fighting business, pardner?"

1) It's going pretty well.
2) I need information on Mad Jake and the Thuggs and figured you'd be the best person in town to talk to.
3) Seems quiet in here today.
4) Anything you need a hand with?

> 3
"That's because poor Quiff got himself arrested again," says Spam.
"Poor Quiff," adds Normal. "Wasn't his fault was it, Spam?"
"Not at all," replies Spam. "Granted, he was guilty and they did have evidence but that doesn't mean a thing."

1) What happened to Quiff?
2) Let's talk about something else.

> 1
"Quiff's the best of us!" chimes in Normal. "And I'll swing for the man who says otherwise!"
"He's actually a bit of a git," says Spam.
Normal glares at him then shrugs. "Yeah, you're probably right."
"So what happened to Quiff?" you ask, trying to steer the conversation back on course.
"Sad things really. He got arrested for supposedly murdering some guy who tampered with his mail," says Spam. "Tragic case really."
"Yep," says Normal, "but he doesn't like being referred to as a 'tragic case' so be careful what you say about him."
Spam nods. "Sheriff's got him down in the cells at the sheriff's office and despite what we've said in his defence-"
"Or not said," adds Normal.
"-Quiff's still locked up. Never even managed to finish his-" Spam hesitates then reaches behind the bar and picks up a package which he hands to you. "Be mighty obliged if you could find time to deliver that to him, Bodge. He's probably going spare with worry over it by now."
"Takes his 'business' very seriously does our Quiff," says Normal.
"So will you deliver the package to him?" asks Spam.

1) I'll have to think about it. In the meantime, let's talk about something else.

> se
You move southeast.
CORNER OF FIFTH AND MASON
You're lurking outside the Stonetomb Saloon on the corner of Fifth and Mason. Several people of the female variety eye you up from the saloon, making you blush an amusing shade of red. The saloon itself is a murky brown colour, the outer walls not having seen a decent coat of paint in many a long year. A piece of tree bark cunningly fashioned into a (vague) door shape leads inwards. You can go: east (to Babbage Street), southwest (to a long dusty road) and northwest (to the saloon)

Jeb is here looking as cool as ever.

> sw
You move southwest.
LONG AND DUSTY ROAD...
Every town has a road like this: it winds away depressingly into the distance and seems bordered by immensely boring buildings that have no real purpose in the game other than to add a little background to a not very interesting location. The road stretches off as far as the eye can see. You can go: southwest (to a long and dusty road) or northeast (to the corner of Fifth and Mason)

Mauree is here, smiling an inane smile.

> talk to mauree
"Well, well, if it's isn't the town's one and only superhero," says Mauree. "What do you want this time, Man of Steel?"
"Man of Steel's Superman, Mauree," you say. "I'm more-"
"Man of Dirt?"
You sigh. "I want to ask you something..."

1) Have you got any lollies for sale?
2) How's life treating you?
3) Do you have any info on the criminal gangs in this fair town of ours?

> 1
"Sure have. Just a dollar each. You interested?"

1) Yes.
2) Maybe some other time. I've got my health to think of.

> 1
"Pleasure doing business with you," says Mauree and hands you a lolly. "One of my best that is."
You look at the soggy, uninviting mess in your hand and suppress a shudder.

1) Let me ask you something else.

> sw
You move southwest.
LONG AND DUSTY ROAD...
Every town has a road like this: it winds away depressingly into the distance and seems bordered by immensely boring buildings that have no real purpose in the game other than to add a little background to a not very interesting location. The road stretches off as far as the eye can see. You can go: southwest (to a long and dusty road) or northeast (to a long and dusty road)

By the side of the road, you catch sight of some kids kicking around what looks to be a grenade.

> talk to kids
"It weren't ours," says one kid as you approach. "We found it."
You glance down at the grenade which is looking a little... battered.
"What, you just found it and decided to kick it around for a while?" you ask.
The kids confer with each other then the same one who spoke before says, "yeah, that's about the size of it."
"And you didn't think it was at all dangerous? I mean, you're kicking a grenade around here."
The kid shrugs. "Well, it was more exciting than a football. I mean, when's the last time you kicked a football and had to wonder if you'd still have a foot left afterwards..."
You give a snarl and grab for the nearest kid but he ducks out of the way and before you know it all of the kids have made a run for it. You decide to let them go. As far as you know there's no actual law against kicking a grenade around a long and dusty road and with the likes of Mad Jake and his gang still on the loose it's likely there'll be more grenades around here if you don't stop them soon.

> get grenade
You pick up the grenade.

> ne
You move northeast.
LONG AND DUSTY ROAD...
Every town has a road like this: it winds away depressingly into the distance and seems bordered by immensely boring buildings that have no real purpose in the game other than to add a little background to a not very interesting location. The road stretches off as far as the eye can see. You can go: southwest (to a long and dusty road) or northeast (to a long and dusty road)

> ne
You move northeast.
CORNER OF FIFTH AND MASON
You're lurking outside the Stonetomb Saloon on the corner of Fifth and Mason. Several people of the female variety eye you up from the saloon, making you blush an amusing shade of red. The saloon itself is a murky brown colour, the outer walls not having seen a decent coat of paint in many a long year. A piece of tree bark cunningly fashioned into a (vague) door shape leads inwards. You can go: east (to Babbage Street), southwest (to a long dusty road) and northwest (to the saloon)

Jeb is here looking as cool as ever.

> east
You move east.
BABBAGE STREET
You're on Babbage Street just outside your (for want of a better word) 'house'. What a depressing state it is. Maybe when the cowboy business takes off big time - which you have complete confidence it will - you'll be able to buy yourself something with a bit more style.
Across from your house is the local arcade where you whiled away many years of your misspent youth. You can go: north (to your house), south (to the arcade), east (to Stonetomb Square) and west (to the corner of 5th and Mason)

Also here is a book of poetry.

> talk to sheriff calhoun
"Yer back then, weirdo," says the sheriff with his usual charm (or lack of). "And I hear you did a good number on Whitey, too. I'm mighty proud of you."
"Cool!" you say, always ready with the hip-'n'-happenin' street slang.
"And I'm also promoting you to be my second-in-command. Which means you this badge to wear so everyone knows you're working for me."
"Wicked!"
"Now, go fetch my slippers."
"Groo- Er, your slippers?"
The sheriff nods. "Put the damn things down somewhere and I ain't having any joy at findin' 'em. So off you go. Be back before dusk 'cos that's when I'll be needing them."
Your new boss (for 'boss' read 'slave driver') starts to clean his gun. The meeting, it seems, is over.

> wear badge
You put on the badge.

> south
You move south.
CELLS
You're in the cells of the sheriff's office, surrounded on all sides by barred enclosures which contain the worst scum in the history of Stonetomb: murderers, thieves, mime artists... No type of lowlife isn't without representation here.
Each four by four cell contains a dozen or more prisoners, a comfortable bed (or 'pile of bricks' if you prefer), a slop bucket, a sink and a toilet (or the 'sink' again). The smell, as such, isn't at all pleasant. Peering out from one of the cells is a man in the uniform of the Stonetomb Mail Delivery Service who you recognise as Quiff. You can go: north (to the sheriff's office)

As you step into the cells area of the building, you overhear a debate:
"... commonly known fact that the Brazilian hopping snake isn't in fact a snake but a peculiar monkey of the genis Homo Erratica and furthermore..."
"Shut up!"
"...while most people believe the world to be round it is, in fact, more an egg shape due to the pressures on the circumference of large meteors from the dawn of time..."
"Shut up!"
"...and in Africa the locals generally regard the sign of the white hand to be the mark of the Devil who they hold in particularly low esteem due to his unfortunate custom of eating them..."
"For the love of God - SHUT UP!!!"
"...but the most amazing single fact you are likely to discover is involved with the rotating doors of the Morecombe Building in New York which can-"
"Right! That does it!" A fist comes swinging out of one cell and slams into the face of a man in another cell. The man gives a grunt and drops semi-comatose to the floor. "Are you gonna shut the hell up now?"
"I thought you might be interested..." says the fallen man who you recognise as Quiff Quaven. "I mean, the mating habits of the Amazonian rain forest spider are of particular interest because it-"
This time it's a crowbar that comes flying out of the cell and misses Quiff by the narrowest of margins.
"Okay, I can take a hint," says Quiff, staring at the crowbar which is little more than an inch away from his nose. "I shall not regale you further with the intricacies of the metric system in the face of the industrial revolution that swept through..."

And the debate continues.

> x wall
Firmly embedded in one of the walls of Quiff's cell - within easy reach - is the crowbar one of the other prisoners threw at him.

> get crowbar
You grasp hold of it with both hands and yank on it until it comes off in your hands.

(While the above sounds both gory and incredibly rude, bear in mind that it's a crowbar we're talking about here.)

> give package to quiff
You hand over the package to Quiff who gives a quick "woo-hoo!" He opens it and several envelopes and parcels cascade to the floor.
"Is that drugs?" asks a fellow prisoner. "'Cos if it is I want some for meself."
"Drugs?" gasps Quiff, sounding both indignant and furious at the same time. "The US Postal Service does not transport drugs, my fine friend, no more than it transports severed body parts in conveniently sized parcels-" He quickly glances at you. "Or so I hear anyway." Quiff rapidly gathers up all the fallen letters and parcels and stuffs them inside his uniform. "Well, thank you, officer. You can let Spam know the mail will be delivered just as soon as I free myself from this hellhole on earth."
"And when will that be?" you ask.
Quiff considers the request, scribbles some calculations on the wall, ponders his calculcations for a bit, then says, "about 781 years or nearabouts. Might be less if they find me innocent of course."
"And is there a good chance of that?"
"A very good chance I would say. Aside from a signed confession, fingerprint, video and witness evidence, as well as 42 statements, the prosecution do not have a leg to stand on. Rest assured, Quifford Quaven will be delivering the mail before you can say supercala- supercg- er, a very long word."

> north
You move north.
SHERIFF'S OFFICE
For such a violent town, Stonetomb has a decidely modest sheriff's office consisting of just two rooms (one of these being where you're standing right now and the other where they lock the criminals up). A noticeboard off to one side displays a list of all the recent lawbreakers currently wanted by the sheriff. You can go: northwest (to Stonetomb Square) and south (to the cells)

Sheriff Calhoun is here.

> 2
"Right," says Higgold then, upon realising that he doesn't actually have an office despite being the bank manager (an unfortunate oversight really), he nods to the northeast. "We'll use the back room, Bydge. Don't dally."
Higgold leaves.

> ne
You move northeast.
BACK ROOM
The 'safe' room of the bank, minus anything that might reasonably be described as a safe. The money, such as there is, seems to be piled up on several groaning tables. The east wall is taken up by a large glass window which allows anyone here an excellent look at the outside world (and vice versa). You can go: southwest (to the main room of the bank)

Higgold is here. "You took your time in getting here," says Higgold. He fusses with his tie for a moment before adding, "we have a delicate situation at the bank, Blodge, and I feel you are the only one who can sort it out."
"Ah, you've heard of my legendary crime-solving abilities and want to take advantage of them?" you say.
Higgold considers that then gives a short, sharp laugh. "Hardly!" he says, seemingly quite amused at the idea. "No, we have a thief at large in the bank. Large sums of money have been disappearing and despite the fact that I've dedicated precisely 8 minutes since last Wednesday to solving this mystery, it's yet remained unsolved. So I need your help, Blidge. I was going to ask one of the other employees but I suspect it must be one of them and couldn't risk the chance of the guilty party being able to cover their tracks before the stolen money was recovered. So that left you." Higgold shudders a little as if he finds the thought of this depressing. "You're basically honest from what small amount I know of you-"
"I've worked here for nine years, sir," you point out.
"Nine years? My, I thought you only started last month. Anyway." Higgold shrugs. "I need you to find the culprit, Bladge. You can't really question all the staff because the writer never really got around to making any so you'll just have to use your ingenuity and examine everything. I'm sure you'll find the culprit before long. Now, any questions?"

1) Yes.
2) No.

> sw
You move southwest.
STONETOMB BANK
The bank of Stonetomb is pretty much the sort of bank you'd expect to see in a cowboy film: a couple of tellers serving a long queue of customers, several shady characters lurking around in the background looking up to no good, the occasional dead body sprawled in the corner for no apparent reason...
The money is kept in a room to the back. Your office is also around here somewhere but you're never sure exactly where. You can go: north (to a broom closet), northeast (to the back room) and south (to Stonetomb Square)

> north
You move north.
BROOM CLOSET/YOUR OFFICE
Four feet by five, the broom closet has doubled as your office (and occasionally as a toilet) since your arrival at the bank. To say it is crammed would be the understatement of the year. In here are boxes and cartons and sacks and chairs and the odd table that no one wanted. There's even a broom somewhere although whether it's hidden behind your cabinet or stuck under your desk is a mystery. You can go: south (to the main room of the bank)

> x cartons
Taking a peek inside the carton, you come across part of the evidence that Higgold was after. It seems the employee who has been stealing funds from the bank is a male employee. Well, under normal circumstances that would narrow the search down but as the bank hasn't got any female employees it's not as helpful as it might have been.

> x table
Lying on the table in plain sight of you is a piece of the evidence you need. Eagerly you snatch it up and discover that the employee who has been stealing funds from the bank is not blind. Now if not for the annoying fact that the bank doesn't have any blind employees that bit of evidence would doubtless be very interesting. As it is, it's slightly less useless than a comb to a bald man.

> find broom
You start a systematic search for the broom - which unfortunately ends in bitter disappointment as you fail to find even a hint of it. On the plus side, however, you do come across one of the pieces of evidence you're after. It seems that the employee responsible for stealing the bank funds is not a dwarf! Interesting. But a bit pointless as well because the bank doesn't employ any dwarves.

> south
You move south.
STONETOMB BANK
The bank of Stonetomb is pretty much the sort of bank you'd expect to see in a cowboy film: a couple of tellers serving a long queue of customers, several shady characters lurking around in the background looking up to no good, the occasional dead body sprawled in the corner for no apparent reason...
The money is kept in a room to the back. Your office is also around here somewhere but you're never sure exactly where. You can go: north (to a broom closet), northeast (to the back room) and south (to Stonetomb Square)

> talk to higgold
"I've got the evidence," you say.
Higgold frowns. "You... have?" he asks hesitantly.
"Yep. Three lots which were cunningly hidden in my office. One lot confirms that the person who's been stealing funds from the bank isn't a dwarf - which rules out precisely no one as we don't have any dwarves working here. Another lot confirms that the thief isn't a woman - which also doesn't mean a lot as we don't have any female employees. And the third lot of evidence states that the thief isn't blind - which also doesn't prove a thing as we haven't got any blind employees. So the conclusion is obvious."
Higgold frowns some more and seems a little on edge. "And... what might that be, Buddge?"
"That it's a test," you say.
Higgold considers this, glances around as if wondering whether he can make a run for it without you noticing, then sighs. "Crap," he mutters. "Yes, it was a test."
"Can I ask why?"
"Of course you can."
You wait.
And Higgold waits.
So in the end you are obliged to ask: "why?"
"Head office decided it was time I gave you more responsibility," Higgold says uneasily. "So they made me devise a simple test for you. I thought: hell with that! You might pass it. So I came up with my own test and hid the evidence in your office. Not a good hiding place, I admit, but when you've got a writer who's really stingy with locations it's difficult knowing where to hide things. A bank of epic proportions was called for here really, two hundred locations with thousands of hiding places. But... it wasn't to be. So I hid the evidence in your office and hoped you wouldn't find it. But you did. Damn. I blame head office for wanting to give you more responsibility. God alone knows why they want that. Don't get me wrong, Bledge, I consider you to be an excellent employee insofar as making the tea is concerned but I don't think you're ready for the big move up the corporate ladder that this sort of thing entails."
"Head office do."
"Yes, yes. Quite." Higgold sighs and then curses and then sighs some more. "Oh, hell. The promotion's yours if you want it. You get a pay rise effective as of the end of next year, a day's extra holiday a year-"
"I don't get any holidays," you point out.
"Well, you get one now. And the other bonus is twice as much work to get through."
"And what else?"
Higgold shrugs. "That's it, Bunge. More work, a pay increase that doesn't mean a thing and a day off - which you'll be expected to take when the bank's closed I might add. Welcome to the world of banking."

> south
You move south.
STONETOMB SQUARE
You're in Stonetomb Square, the 'thriving' heart of the town. A gallows and guillotine have been erected here for many a year and a weekly tradition is the old game of "who's next for the head basket?", generally played with whoever is unfortunate enough to be around at the time. A row of stalls line the rest of the square although none of them appear to be selling much. The stallowners are standing around looking lost.
Roads branch off from the square in many directions. You can go: north (to Stonetomb Bank), northeast (along Murder Avenue), east (to Slaughter Row), southeast (to the sheriff's office), south (to Blood Alley) and west (to Babbage Street)

Toby is here, smiling happily as people rush by him on all sides. As you exit the bank, a figure dressed in black and white clothing and a mask, carrying a gun in one hand and a bag marked "swag" in the other, pushes past.
"Sorry, pal," says the fellow, who smells slightly worse than a pet skunk you used to own.
"Don't mention it," you reply.

> north
You move north.
STONETOMB BANK
The bank of Stonetomb is pretty much the sort of bank you'd expect to see in a cowboy film: a couple of tellers serving a long queue of customers, several shady characters lurking around in the background looking up to no good, the occasional dead body sprawled in the corner for no apparent reason...
The money is kept in a room to the back. Your office is also around here somewhere but you're never sure exactly where. You can go: north (to a broom closet), northeast (to the back room) and south (to Stonetomb Square)

You scurry back into the bank and see Scabies threatening several of the faceless customers with a gun.
"Gaah!" he cries. "A pig! I could smell you a mile off!"
"You're not the only one," you mutter, grasping your nose to ward off his hideous aroma.
Scabies' face goes pale (well paler) and he raises his gun and points it at you. "Gimme one reason why I shouldn't just shoot your ass where you stand, you yellow-bellied, stinking, cockroach-loving, dung-faced, ratty, little son of a- Ah, crap! He's run off!"

BROOM CLOSET/YOUR OFFICE
Four feet by five, the broom closet has doubled as your office (and occasionally as a toilet) since your arrival at the bank. To say it is crammed would be the understatement of the year. In here are boxes and cartons and sacks and chairs and the odd table that no one wanted. There's even a broom somewhere although whether it's hidden behind your cabinet or stuck under your desk is a mystery. You can go: south (to the main room of the bank)

You realise you don't have long before Scabies comes after you. You just hope you can come up with a weapon before then.

> throw grenade
Knowing you have only moments to spare before the disgusting entity that is Scabies enters your office and brutally murders you, you tear the pin out of the grenade and toss it through the open doorway - only remembering at the last moment that the main area of the bank is also full of tellers and customers.
"WATCH OUT!!!" you cry. "GRENADE!!!"
The tellers, customers and Scabies all throw themselves to the floor.
"Not you, Scabies!" you shout. "I meant everyone else."
"Oh," says Scabies. "That's a relief-" The grenade hits him in the head. "Darn, that hurt, you lousy son of a-"

BOOM!!!

When the explosion is over, you glance out of your office doorway and see that Scabies is well and truly dead. Very well and truly dead. In fact, if you were playing the gory version of the game right now, you'd no doubt be subjected to a long and graphic description of just what an unsightly mess he is. So lucky for you that you're playing the nice version.
A moment later Higgold comes into your office.
"Well, you certainly made a mess of things there, Bludge," he says. "Have you any idea the damage a grenade can do to a bank's reputation?"
"He was a bank robber, sir," you point out.
"Bah!" sneers Higgold. "We get bank robbers on a daily basis here, Boodge, something you'd realise if you were ever here instead of out saving the world from crime." He shakes his head. "This won't look good on your next pay review, I can tell you."
"I never even knew I got a pay review."
"Well, you won't anymore." Higgold glances back out into the main area of the bank. "Next time you see a potentially dangerous situation, Blinge, just try and restrain yourself, okay? No need for this kind of bad publicity."
Higgold wanders off, muttering as he does so about your poor tactics for dealing with the bank robber.

> sw
You move southwest.
STONETOMB SQUARE
You're in Stonetomb Square, the 'thriving' heart of the town. A gallows and guillotine have been erected here for many a year and a weekly tradition is the old game of "who's next for the head basket?", generally played with whoever is unfortunate enough to be around at the time. A row of stalls line the rest of the square although none of them appear to be selling much. The stallowners are standing around looking lost.
Roads branch off from the square in many directions. You can go: north (to Stonetomb Bank), northeast (along Murder Avenue), east (to Slaughter Row), southeast (to the sheriff's office), south (to Blood Alley) and west (to Babbage Street)

Toby is here, smiling happily as people rush by him on all sides.

> ne
You move northeast.
MURDER AVENUE
You find yourself approaching the rougher side of town, a little place that is known around these parts as Murder Avenue. In olden times this was a popular hotspot for gunfights, knifefights and, on occasions, poin-ted stick fights. The very mud the avenue is made from is said to be veined with blood and the odd body part that came loose in all the excitement.
Of course, all that was years ago and so all you see now is a drab, rundown street crowded on either side by drab, rundown buildings. Murder Avenue extends a little way ahead to its most notorious building. You can go: east (to Ok's Coral), north (to Scabbit Lane) and southwest (to Stonetomb Square)

Suddenly there is a gunshot to the east and onto the scene comes one of Mad Jake's cronies - Herman. He is clutching the arm of a blonde-haired girl about nine years old who is trying to claw his eyes out.
"Gaah, yer little brat!" he snarls. "Calm down before I-"
The girl - who you recognise as Alissa, one of the town's 'rich kids' - manages to pull away from him for a second and land a telling knee in his groin. "Oh, you horrid, horrid man! You shotted poor Wimbleton! Poor little guardsman Wimbleton who never hurt a fly in his whole life and you went and shotted him, you complete bas-"
Herman, eyes watering, grabs Alissa before she can knee him again. "Listen! I didn't mean to shoot him but he wouldn't give up without a fight." Herman grins. "And a fight he g- aarrghghgghh!!"
Herman's words are choked off as Alissa elbows him sharply between the legs and tries to make a run for it but the crony is quicker and seizes her around the waist. Before she can run again - or, worse, knee or elbow him - he presses the gun to her forehead.
"Now, are you gonna calm down?" he asks.
"No, I am not, you despicable man!" Alissa wails, trying to wriggle an elbow free. "Just you wait till my daddy finds out about this. He'll hang you from my bedroom window by your te-"
"Or I am going to shoot you?" Herman finishes.
Alissa seems to notice the gun pressed against her head for the first time. "Why, you snivelling lowlife piece of sh-"
Herman pulls back the trigger.
"Er... I'll be good," she finishes in a quieter voice.
"Good." Herman casts a worried glance about. "No one seems to have noticed us aside from that weird looking fellow in the cowboy getup so we should be able to make it to the hideout and plot the kidnap out before anyone else happens along."
The two depart to the north.

"Good job there wasn't a hero about," mutters an old woman a minute later, "or he'd have played merry hell with that fellow."
"No more heroes in Stonetomb," mutters another.
"I mean, a real hero would have stepped forth and done something," adds a third.
"And not just stood around and done nothing," finishes a fourth.
You wisely decide to keep quiet.

> north
You move north.
SCABBIT LANE
The most rundown and desolate road in town, Scabbit Lane is home to Stonetomb's beggar and rat population (although telling the difference between the two is often a chore). Decaying buildings flank the road on either side, most not having been occupied since before the last gold rush. The only building that seems to still be in use is an old saloon to the north from which the sound of several fights emanates. You can go: north (to the saloon), south (to Murder Avenue) and down (the steps to the cellar)

Alissa is here. Herman is here (looking angry). "Ouch!" yells Herman as Alissa gets a telling blow to his groin. "Geez, kid, you're really asking for a hole in the head, ain't you?"
"You wouldn't dare!" Alissa yells, going for his eyes. "My daddy nails people like you to walls, buddy boy! You hurt me and you'll never see your bo-"
"Enough!" snaps Herman. He glances around. "C'mon, down into the cellar below the saloon. I don't like the idea of being out in the open like this."
Still limping from his injuries in kidnapping Alissa, Herman heads down a flight of steps.

> x steps
You peer down the steps into the murky cellar. Not much can be seen. Either this is because the cellar is very dark (very likely) or you've suddenly been struck down with partial blindness.
A couple of barrels stand to either side of the steps. They look like they've been there for a long, long time.

> push barrel
You give the nearest barrel a shove and it goes crashing down the cellar steps.
From below there is a cry of: "Jesus H. Christ, someone bastard's shoved a barrel down the fu-" and then further expletives are hidden amidst the sound of the barrel crashing down onto someone's head with a very painful sound indeed.
Everything down there is quiet for a few seconds.
Then a voice drifts up the steps: "hmm... looks like he's out cold. This would be a good opportunity to give him a sizeable kick in the-" which is as far as you hear before the censors get a grip and edit the rest out.

> down
You move down.

CELLAR
Even though the saloon above hasn't been used as such for decades, this place still has the old smell of beer about it. Pools of water (or perhaps spilt beer considering the way the rats are weaving drunkenly about the place) mar the floor and there are also several barrels of ale stacked against the steps leading out of here. The sounds of fighting can be heard faintly from above. Lying sprawled on the floor in a very untidy mess is the unconscious body of Herman. Aside from the dent in his head where the barrel hit him there also appear to be several bootprints in his backside. You can go: up (to Scabbit Lane)

Alissa is here. "Well, you took your bleeding time getting down here," Alissa snaps as you enter the cellar. "Geez, leaving me alone with the battered and bloody corpse of a man you brutally murdered in cold blood without a thought for my wellbeing and sanctity of mind after the trauma of such an event and the ramifications it could have caused my fragile mind had I not been taught that what happens to those less fortunate than myself doesn't really matter."
You pause to digest that. "Was that a thank you for my rescuing you?" you venture at last.
Alissa sighs, crosses her eyes and sighs again. "Oh, what the hell. Just get me out of here. Daddy will be so furious when he finds out what has gone on here."
"Your daddy," you say, "is he... rich?"
Alissa shrugs. "No."
Your heart sinks.
"Aside from the oil fields, gold mines and a few illegal gambling resorts he's not."
Your heart rises.
"But he's also the most tightfisted man in the world so the odds of you getting a reward out of him are slightly less than zilch."
Your heart falls again.
"Well, are we going then?" Alissa breaks into your thoughts. "Only I'm freezing my little ass off down here and the sooner you escort me back to daddy the better. So let's get a damn move on, okay?"
It seems you have acquired a travelling companion whether you want one or not.

> up
You move up.
SCABBIT LANE
The most rundown and desolate road in town, Scabbit Lane is home to Stonetomb's beggar and rat population (although telling the difference between the two is often a chore). Decaying buildings flank the road on either side, most not having been occupied since before the last gold rush. The only building that seems to still be in use is an old saloon to the north from which the sound of several fights emanates. You can go: north (to the saloon), south (to Murder Avenue) and down (the steps to the cellar)

"Geez, what a lowdown, crappy, beatup piece of town," mutters Alissa. "Daddy ought to buy this place and burn it to the ground."
"What about all the people who live here?" you ask.
Alissa nods. "You're right. We could either chop them up for animal food or burn them with their houses, although I've heard that poor people don't burn well on account of being so soggy." Alissa follows you from below.

> south
You move south.
MURDER AVENUE
You find yourself approaching the rougher side of town, a little place that is known around these parts as Murder Avenue. In olden times this was a popular hotspot for gunfights, knifefights and, on occasions, poin-ted stick fights. The very mud the avenue is made from is said to be veined with blood and the odd body part that came loose in all the excitement.
Of course, all that was years ago and so all you see now is a drab, rundown street crowded on either side by drab, rundown buildings. Murder Avenue extends a little way ahead to its most notorious building. You can go: east (to Ok's Coral), north (to Scabbit Lane) and southwest (to Stonetomb Square)Lord Effingham and several dozen bloodthirsty bodyguards are here.

"Daddy!" cries Alissa and goes running towards Lord Effingham.
"Ah, my dear," cries Effingham. He sweeps Alissa up into his arms and hands her to a guard. "And this-" he indicates with a nod towards you "-looks like a seriously dubious specimen of humanity if ever I did see one. Sergeant, bring me the swine's head! You can eat the rest."
The sergeant - a rugged fellow two feet taller than you and carrying a broadsword caked with dried blood - comes lunging towards you.
"Hold on," says Alissa. "That's not my kidnapper!"
Effingham glances at her. "I know, my dear. But he's poor and so I might as well have the sergeant butcher him-"
"No! That's frightfully horrid!"
"But, honey! Your mother hasn't let me murder a poor person since I left that serving maid's head on the lawn-"
"Daddy," says Alissa slowly. "No."
For a moment Effingham looks like he might well ignore his daughter and have his man slice you to ribbons. But then, fortunately for you, he shrugs. "Sergeant, hold off. Seems we're going to spare the poor person after all."
"But, boss-"
"Enough, Clement. I know I promised you a poor person's head today but you'll just have to settle for terrorising the bricks instead."
"It's not the same, boss-"
"Enough, I said." Effingham casts a glance at you. "Still here? I thought you might have run away while you had the chance, fellow."
"I'm so scared my legs have locked with fear," you say truthfully.
Effingham nods understandingly. "I thought that might be the case. Well, Alissa, back to the mansion we go-"
"What about a reward?" says Alissa.
"But I haven't done anything worth a reward-"
"Not you." Alissa points to you. "Him."
Effingham sighs. "...can this day get any worse..." He turns to you with a bright look on his face. "Here, fellow, have this, er..." He rummages through his pockets. "Ah, a voucher! Probably not valid any longer but I'm sure you'll be able to find a use for it." He tosses the voucher into a puddle of mud. "Whoops, butterfingers. Come now, Alissa, back we go."
"Farewell, brave hero!" calls Alissa. "I won't hold it against you that you're ugly."
"Er, farewell," you say.
Alissa, Effingham and the guards depart.

> get voucher
You pick up the voucher.

> nw
You move northwest.
SALOON
The best (and only) saloon in town is a tawdry shadow of its former self. The fights that have raged here over the years have taken their toll on the interior and these days it's pretty much a collection of broken chairs, tables and lots of dust. As such, the only people to be found here are the drunks who have nowhere else to go, the card players and the ones here for 'other' amusements.
The bar is a square situated in the centre of the main area, in which the bartender - a former sports star you gather - is combing his hair and admiring the female customers. You can go: southeast (to the corner of Fifth and Mason)

Speckle, Normal, Dyanne, Spam and Cestus are here. "Hey, thanks for delivering the package to Quiff, man," says Spam as you step into the saloon. "Much obliged."
"The least I could do," you say.
"Nah," says Normal, "the least you could have done would be to throw it on the ground the moment you were out of Spammy's sight."
Spam waves that spurious accusation aside and hands you some cash. "Much obliged, pardner. You ever need a favour, you just come speak to your uncle Spam."

> talk to cestus
"Ah, I recognise you," says Cestus. "You're the troublecauser who woke me from my little nap in the alley. Bah!" he sneers. "What do you want?"

1) I need information on Mad Jake and the Thuggs.
2) Just passing the time until someone more interesting arrives.

> 1
"And why'd do you think I'd tell you something like that?" Cestus asks. "You wake me up from a perfectly good sleep in an alley that's a lot more comfortable than most people would think (granted, rats taking a chunk out of your foot in the middle of the night is a little offputting but you get used to it) and now you expect my help? Hah!" He grumbles a bit then adds, "but if you really wanna get on my good side, you could do worse than go get me a lolly."
"Why a lolly?" you ask.
"'Cos I feel like one! Geez, does there have to be a reason for these things?"

> give lolly to cestus
"Aah, my favourite!" cries Cestus, snatching the lolly off you. "Sickly and gooey and runny and so downright foul tasting I'll doubtless not live to see another dawn!" He wolfs the lolly down in one go. "Man, that hit the spot!! Okay, feller, I'll forgive you for waking me before - not your fault after all and you do look a little dim so I don't suppose there's any point in trying to explain anything to you. Ask me some questions. You'd be surprised about how much I know."

1) Tell me about Mad Jake.
2) I'm having trouble getting anywhere.
3) How do I get into the office at the arcade?
4) I need some cash.
5) Where are the sheriff's slippers?

> 5
"Why, here they are," says Cestus and hands them over.
You frown at them, and then at him. "What, you had the slippers with you all along on the off chance I might ask you about them? That doesn't make any kind of sense at all."
Cestus takes a furtive look around and then whispers to me, "it's a text adventure, Bodge. It doesn't have to make sense."

1) Er, fine. Let me ask you something else.

> north
You move north.
YOUR HOUSE
As locations go in which to start an adventure, this is not the most thrilling one you could hope for. Your 'house' actually consists of two rooms, one on top of each other (the upper 'floor' being off limits due to a slight problem with the stairs). Crammed into here are your bed, tv, wardrobe, desk, dining room table, kitchen sink, bath and various other sundry items. A window looks out onto the street outside. You can go: south (through the front door)

Lucy is here, looking a little anxious. As you step into your house, Lucy (who is currently going through your belongings and looking mightily disappointed at what she finds) looks up and gives a yelp.
"Aaaarrgghhhh!" she wails. "I am caught! Per chance I must flee!"
And flee she does, right out of the door before you can stop her.

> force wardrobe
Using the crowbar, you manage to pry the doors of the wardrobe open. Quite surprisingly, and a little shockingly as well, a dead body falls out onto the ground. Out of its hands falls a will.

> get will
You pick up the will.

> give will to dyanne
"My grandfather's will!" she cries, snatching it out of your hand. "Where did you find this?"
You explain the circumstances and Dyanne's face lights up.
"Poor old grandfather," she says with affection, clutching the will to her bosom. "I knew he'd find the right way to go, and it seems in your wardrobe was that place. Let me see what this says." She scans the will quickly. Then frowns. "Hmmm. I seem to have been left his sizeable collection of pornographic magazines, some overdue library books, a vib- er, something I'd better not mention right now in case there are young people listening. What else? Ah yes. Hmmm. Hmmm indeed." Dyanne sighs. "And the prototype of his deflection helmet."
"What's a deflection helmet?"
"Oh, it's just one of the strange things my grandfather was working on before he died. Supposedly you wear the deflection helmet and nasty things like bullets veer away from you due to strange magnetic forces, or something along those lines. I never saw the use of it myself. I mean, what are the odds of getting shot in a peaceful town like Stonetomb?"
You wisely refrain from pointing out the incident with Whitey earlier in the day or the fact that Stonetomb has a higher death rate than the rest of the country put together.
"Could I, er, take a look at this deflection helmet?" you ask.
"Sure. I guess." Dyanne hands you a circular key. "It's in a cabinet down at the warehouse my grandfather used to frequent. Best of luck though I can't imagine what kind of use you'll get out of it."

> talk to speckle
"Howdy, pardner," says Speckle as he tosses a marble from hand to hand. "Grab yourself a pew an' let's you an' me have a mighty fine chinwag!"

1) You can knock off the cowboy impressions, Speckle. I'm not a tourist.
2) Howdy, pardner!
3) That's one mighty fine marble you got there, my man!

> 3
"A marble among marbles this one," says Speckle, eyeing it fondly. "Lost in the days when I was a miner but then regained in a tale that I would relate now if not for the fact that you'd doubtless be bored to tears with it. Buy me a beer and it's yours."

1) I might well do that but in the meantime can we discuss something else.

> buy beer
"I sell beer, beer and more beer," remarks Spam. "People 'round these parts either drink that or go dry. Why, I remember the time..."
And he launches into a long, meandering and ultimately tedious tale about the time he tried to sell a pint of beer to an indian and the indian shot up the place and he ran outside and the indian followed him and so on...
Spam finally finishes off with, "so anyway, if you want a beer you'll have to cough up the readies."
"Er-"
Spam sighs. "That's a eufo- euphim- er, another word for cash."
"But what if I haven't got any cash?" you ask.
"Then some other form of ID might work just as well."
"What if I haven't got any other form of ID?"
"Then, my friend," says Spam, "you're up a creek without a paddle. And that's a euphm- eupho - another word for you ain't getting any beer in my saloon!"

> give cash to spam
"Much obliged," says Spam and swipes a dollar off you. "Best beer in town this is."
"I thought it was the only beer in town," you say.
"That too."
Spam hands you the beer.

> give beer to speckle
"Ah, that's grand and no mistake," says Speckle as he takes the beer and gulps it down in one go. "Here, the marble as promised. Guard her well and she will look after you for an eternity."
You take the marble and half give Speckle a heart attack when you almost drop it.

> south
You move south.
ARCADE
Stonetomb Arcade, location of your misspent youth (it was closer than school and you learnt a lot more here). The years have worn the place a little: the machines are just a pale shadow of their former self, hard-faced kids squat in the corners playing with knives, a bumbling old cleaning lady ambles past with her brush...
The door to the manager's office is every bit as shut as you remember from your youth. You have never yet managed to get a look inside. You can go: north (to Babbage Street)

Lucy is here, looking a little anxious. You duck into the arcade - and Lucy gives a yelp at seeing you!
"Forsooth!" she cries. "The foul miscreant has followed me here! I must away before I am apprehended!"
She rushes over to the door to the manager's office and tugs vainly at it.
"Gazooks!" she snaps in desperation. "Why has no fool bothered to unlock this? No matter! I must flee and flee fast!"
Before you can grab her, she ducks past you and runs out of the arcade.

> talk to kids
"Hey there, pensioner!" one of the kids calls as you approach. "What's it like being 115 years old?"

1) Show some respect, you young hooligan!
2) Right, you're under arrest for insulting an officer of the law!
3) I need to get in the manager's office. Any ideas how I get the door open?

> 2
"Yeah?" says the kid, not sounding very impressed with you. "You and whose-" Then he hesitates. "Geez, aren't you the loser wot the sheriff recruited?"
"That's me," you say.
"He could arrest us!" one of the other kids wails.
"Shut it!" snaps the first one. He looks back at you, not seeming as confident as before. "What you want, feller?"
1) I want to get in that room to the east. How do I get the door open?
2) I need information about Mad Jake.

> 1
"A key always comes in handy," says the kid. He sidles over to the door and unlocks it for you. "Just don't tell anyone where I found the key, okay."
"But I don't know where you found the key," you say.
The kid nods. "That's for your own good, mister. There are things in this town that just don't bear speaking of."
Under normal circumstances you'd have run the kid in for talking like a reject from a Hammer Horror film but right now you've a vicious outlaw to deal with so the kid'll just have to wait.

> north
You move north.
BABBAGE STREET
You're on Babbage Street just outside your (for want of a better word) 'house'. What a depressing state it is. Maybe when the cowboy business takes off big time - which you have complete confidence it will - you'll be able to buy yourself something with a bit more style.
Across from your house is the local arcade where you whiled away many years of your misspent youth. You can go: north (to your house), south (to the arcade), east (to Stonetomb Square) and west (to the corner of 5th and Mason)

Also here is a book of poetry. Lucy is here, looking a little anxious. Leaving the arcade, you are just quick enough to see Lucy running into your house (with a cry of "verily I am damned!") but not quick enough to stop her.

> north
You move north.
YOUR HOUSE
As locations go in which to start an adventure, this is not the most thrilling one you could hope for. Your 'house' actually consists of two rooms, one on top of each other (the upper 'floor' being off limits due to a slight problem with the stairs). Crammed into here are your bed, tv, wardrobe, desk, dining room table, kitchen sink, bath and various other sundry items. A window looks out onto the street outside. You can go: south (through the front door)

Also here is a dead body. Lucy is here, looking a little anxious. As you step into your house, Lucy (who is currently going through your belongings and looking mightily disappointed at what she finds) looks up and gives a yelp.
"Aaaarrgghhhh!" she wails. "I am caught! Per chance I must flee!"
And flee she does, right out of the door before you can stop her.

> east
You move east.
MANAGER'S OFFICE
A location of much mystery and speculation to you as a kid, the manager of the arcade's office is pretty disappointing now you've finally got a look inside it. Gone are the dead bodies you imagined, and the brains encased in glass jars, and the stolen artefacts... Instead you have a small, drab room with just a desk and chair for decoration. A cracked window above the desk shows you the front facade of your house - which looks every bit as uninviting from here as it does when you're actually inside it. You can go: west (to the arcade)

Lucy is here, looking a little anxious.
"Aw shucks!" says Lucy. "They only went and moved the hidden exit!"
"What hidden exit?" you ask.
Lucy sighs. "I had a hidden exit here," she explains, "in case someone tried to chase me in here but the builders have boarded it up!" She slaps the wall in frustration. "Forsooth, verily I am undone." She holds her hands out to you. "Take me in, my knight in shinin- er, grubby armo- er clothes. I am caught and I will serve my time if I needs must."

> x front facade
You peer at your house. Not a good house really. Certainly not the sort of thing a crime-fighter such as yourself should be living-
Hang on! What's that lying on the ground just in front of your house? It looks kind of like a battery. Maybe you'd better go swipe it before someone makes off with it.

> arrest lucy
"It's a fair cop," she says in a very poor gangster impression. "Take me away but please - I beg of you! - let none them say I wept as I was arrested."
"You aren't weeping," you say truthfully.
She pats you on the head. "Thank you," she says. "This means... a lot..."
You lead her through the streets of Stonetomb to...

SHERIFF'S OFFICE
For such a violent town, Stonetomb has a decidely modest sheriff's office consisting of just two rooms (one of these being where you're standing right now and the other where they lock the criminals up). A noticeboard off to one side displays a list of all the recent lawbreakers currently wanted by the sheriff. You can go: northwest (to Stonetomb Square) and south (to the cells)

Sheriff Calhoun is here. "Well, well," says the sheriff. "If it isn't that thieving little vixen Lucy. You did well here, weirdo. She's a real hellcat that one and no mistake."
"Mom says to tell you hi," says Lucy.
"Er... quite," says the sheriff, looking a tad uncomfortable.
"She always wants to know why you didn't come visiting on her birthday like you promised."
"I was, er, busy. Very busy. Yep, that's it. Busy-"
"And she also wants to know if you stole her purs-"
"GET THE LITTLE HELLION IN THE CELLS, WEIRDO!" the sheriff thunders. "NOW!!!"
You hasten to obey.

"Probably shouldn't blame Lucy really," says the sheriff upon your return from the cells. "She had a difficult upbringing." He pauses to reflect on this. "Yep, she had me for a brother. You can imagine how awful that would be..."
Wisely, you keep quiet.

> give slippers to sheriff calhoun
"Ah, my slippers!" cries the sheriff. "Been a while since I last saw these beauties!" He admires them for a few seconds then tosses them into a corner where, you notice, lie several other pairs of slippers. "Now we've got the tedious details out of the way..." He pauses, looks around and then sighs. "Hell, I got nothing else to say. But well done, weirdo, I couldn't have found the slippers without your help."

> get battery
You pick up the battery.

> wait
You wait and wonder if anything will happen.

At first nothing does. But then there is a commotion from inside the saloon and out of the doors staggers a man overburdered with possessions.
"Never get married, fellow," he says to you. "It just ain't worth it."
The man, looking even more miserable than you do at the idea of work, goes lurching off to the southwest, the weight of his possessions causing him to sway back and forth as he leaves.

> get mattress
You pick up the mattress.

> give marble to shem
Shem takes the marble and bites it to test its authenticity.
"Aren't you supposed to do that with gold coins?" you ask.
"Are you?" Shem asks, clutching the side of his face. "Damn! That must be why it hurt so much!"

> give battery to shem
"A good battery this is," Shem remarks upon taking it from you.
"It's got no insides," you point out. "I doubt it even works."
"It works," says Shem. He holds the battery reverentially in his hands and murmurs, "oh, it works alright."

> give mattress to shem
"Ah, the mattress I requested," says Shem, and promptly stuffs it into his pocket where, strangely enough, it disappears without trace. "Don't give me a funny look, Bodge. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why that happened."

"Ah, one moment," says Shem. He rummages through his pockets, mutters to himself for a few minutes (a normal occurrence for him you gather) and then gives a satisfied nod. "I see you have given me the items I requested. Very good, very good indeed. I see that the faith of the righteous and good was not misplaced in you. Take this."
Shem hands you something that resembles a used piece of toilet paper.
"What is it?" you ask, and hope it doesn't turn out to be what you suspect it to be.
"Ah," says Shem, "but in there lies the secret that would not be a secret if it were told."

> open door
Using the key you got from Spam, you open the warehouse door.

> sw
You move southwest.
WAREHOUSE
This looks to be a truly gory place: dead bodies are hung on hooks which in turn hang from the ceiling. You count at least two dozen of them and for a moment begin to suspect you have inadvertently wandered into a different game by mistake. Through the bodies, many of which are making quite a mess on the floor beneath them, you catch sight of a flight of creaky wooden steps leading up to the next floor of the warehouse. You can go: up (to the next floor) and northeast (to Slaughter Row)

"Weel, shoot, if it ain't the peeg!" Gragg snarls and hawks all over the floor. "You ain't gonna take me alive, peeg!"
"Dead's fine by me," you respond.
Gragg mulls this over, then shakes his head in annoyance. "'Ell wiv eet, peeg! I'll be upstairs! Yous come when yous is ready for an 'ead kickin'!"
Gragg sneers and goes rushing up the stairs at the back of the warehouse.

> x steps
You have a careful look at the steps Gragg went up and notice that one of the boards that comprise the steps seems to be loose.

> pull board
You aren't able to remove the board entirely but you manage to tilt it at an angle so that anyone attempting to use the steps who wasn't aware of it would probably come crashing down them.

> ne
You head for the door - only to hear a cry from behind you as Gragg comes tearing down the steps.
"Yer ain't runnin' out on me now, cowboy!" he snarls, fumbling for his gun. "No tills ah gives yer a good shootin' in the- aaghh!"
He gives a cry as he stumbles on the board you loosened and goes crashing to the bottom of the steps. There is a sickening cracking sound as he hits the ground and afterwards he becomes strangely silent.
Congratulating yourself on a plan well executed (with the emphasis on "executed"), you wander over to where he fell. He looks about as dead as can be.

> up
You move up.
GRIMY ROOM
The second floor of the warehouse is actually just a small, grimy little room that looks like a pig has been sleeping here judging by the state of things. A bed (sty?) in one corner is clearly where the occupant of the room rests but aside from that it's hard to tell what else he (it?) does to pass the time. A broken window above the bed affords some daylight the opportunity to creep into the room if it so desires. By the window is a large oak cabinet. You can go: down (to the warehouse)

> open cabinet
Slotting the circular key into the lock of the cabinet, you swing the door open. And find inside the deflection helmet Dyanne mentioned as well as a manual. You take both with you.

> wear helmet
You put on the deflection helmet.

> down
You move down.

WAREHOUSE
This looks to be a truly gory place: dead bodies are hung on hooks which in turn hang from the ceiling. You count at least two dozen of them and for a moment begin to suspect you have inadvertently wandered into a different game by mistake. Through the bodies, many of which are making quite a mess on the floor beneath them, you catch sight of a flight of creaky wooden steps leading up to the next floor of the warehouse. Lying at the bottom of the steps is the dead body of Gragg. You can go: up (to the next floor) and northeast (to Slaughter Row)

> ne
You move northeast.
SLAUGHTER ROW
Despite the ominous name, Slaughter Row is just a pleasant little street where the weeds are fighting a battle with the tiles for domination over the ground. Very little seems to be going on around these parts although rumours have it that the warehouse to the west is supposed to be haunted and the river (or river bed actually) to the east is home to a strange and maniacal man. You can go: west (to Stonetomb Square), southwest (into the warehouse) and east (to the river bed)

Egbert, Drongo and Gash are here. "That's a mighty fine deflection helmet you've got there, friend," says Egbert, making the final word sound like a bitter insult. "I've been looking to acquire one just like it for some time now."
"It's not for sale," you say.
Egbert shrugs. "I never said anything about buying it. I had more the idea of having Drongo and Gash pound you into the ground then take the thing from your bloodied and battered corpse. Heh heh."
On cue, Drongo and Gash also give a "heh heh".
"Enough." Egbert waves them into silence. "But I'm a reasonable dwarf, friend. I don't murder people without reason - although you'd be surprised how easy a reason is to come by. So what say you just hand over that there helmet and we'll say no more on the subject."
"And if I don't?"
"You don't want to do that, friend. Believe me you don't. You wouldn't like Drongo when he gets angry."
"I don't like him now."
Egbert scowls. "I haven't the time or the patience for these games. Give me the helmet. Now. Or I'll have Drongo and Gash pry it from your dead body."

> give cash to egbert
"$25," says Egbert. "A small price to pay for your life I guess."
"I had to really struggle to come across all that cash," you point out.
Egbert shrugs. "Yeah, well that's what you get for having a writer who's real stingy with that sort of thing. Now, let's go cause some mayhem, boys."
"Shall we whack his ass anyway, boss?" Drongo asks, clearly looking forward to 'whacking your ass'.
Egbert considers it then shrugs. "Nah. He's hardly worth it. He'll most likely end up dead before long anyway."
And on that unsettling note, the dwarf and his companions depart.

> east
You move east.
OUTSIDE OK'S CORAL
There are few buildings as feared and shunned in Stonetomb as OK's Coral (with the obvious exception of the school of course). Before it was shut down some fifty years ago it was a den of thieves, murderers, cutthroats and general all round lowlives. Even today it has a fearsome reputation as it's pretty much guaranteed that any dangerously homicidal gangs currently terrorising the town are likely to be holed up here.
Through the ancient swinging doors of the Coral, you can catch glimpses of a seriously murky interior. The windows give you precious little else to go on due to them either being boarded up or painted black, but you can sense the sheer nastiness emanating from this place. You can go: north (into OK's Coral) and west (to Murder Avenue)

Lola is here.

> north
You move north.
OK'S CORAL
Home of more than a few gunfights in the past, the Coral is pretty much a landmark in Stonetomb. Only these days it's an old landmark. It's a good half century since anyone last inhabited the Coral and the tables and chairs that make up the main room are so rickety and ancient that just looking at them hard is enough to get them to collapse. Doorways (minus anything that might resemble doors) lead further off into the interior of the Coral although with the lights not working it's hard to see much. You can go: northwest and north (through doorways) and south (to outside the Coral)

> north
You move towards the door but then feel the floor suddenly give way beneath you. Before you can do anything more than flap your arms and legs wildly the way you've seen characters in cartoons do, you are sent plummeting downwards to your death...

Or not as the case may be because the drop only turns out to be ten feet.

SMUGGLERS CAVE
From the skull and crossbones emblems that are stamped on all the boxes and crates stored here, you're guessing this murky, dimly-lit cavern was once a smuggler's cave. Pools of water dot the ground although even this can't hide the fact that this is a really empty location in desperate need of a few things to examine. In fact, take away the winding tunnel just ahead of you and there'd be nothing here at all. You can go: north (to the winding tunnel) and up (to the Coral)

> north
You move north.
WINDING TUNNEL
You wander along the tunnel which winds away before you. Further ahead it looks to open out into a large cavern and from the way your heart is thudding mercilessly in your chest you get the impression that something big and bad might well lie there. The tunnel walls are ancient and scarred with a myriad of cracks that look to have been there for centuries if not longer, although footprints on the ground indicate that someone came along here not long ago. You can go: north (to somewhere you haven't been yet) or south (to somewhere you have)

> north
You move north.
MAD JAKE'S HIDEOUT
After all you have been through to get here, you were kind of expecting the hideout of your archfoe to be a gloriously extravagant place full of vast hordes of stolen loot, dead bodies, imprisoned kidnap victims and enough arms to outfit a small army.
So it comes as something of a disappointment to find the place empty of everything aside from a table and chair.
Oh, and Mad Jake himself of course. You can go: south (or you can try anyway)

"Well, well, look who's finally come crawling along to my lil ol' hideout," says Jake. "Fingle Bodge himself. You took your time."
"I had your cronies to deal with first," you say, trying to sound calmer than you feel.
Jake laughs. "Those idiots? Hah! Gragg, Scabies and Herman are just so much waste of space I'd have probably offed 'em myself before too much longer. There's only so far you can go with one gang of layabouts before the novelty wears off and you find yourself just itching to do some killing." He laughs again. "Speaking of killing..."
Jake reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gun easily four feet long.
"I call this my Herokiller," says Jake. "You can probably guess why. Now..." He raises the gun, takes aim on your head, and adds, "now might be a good time to say your prayers, Bodge."
You realise you have only seconds to act as his finger tightens on the trigger.

> use helmet
Acting with split second timing, you activate the deflection helmet's powers - and then they are really put to the test when Jake fires the Herokiller!
The bullet - almost as large as your fist - comes streaking across the cavern towards you, getting closer and closer, closer, closer... and then abruptly veers out of the way and explodes into a wall to one side!
"Ah crap!" curses Jake. "You got yourself one of them damned deflection helmets! Well, let's see how well it deflects another shot from my baby..."
He starts to frantically reload.

> kill jake
Before Jake can finish reloading the Herokiller, you go charging across the cavern at him with the brutally sharp knife held high. Jake gives a curse, throws the Herokiller to the ground and reaches for his own brutally sharp knife - but you are faster!
You slash down and stab him in the shoulder!
"AaaahahaaghghhAAHAGAHAAHAAahaaahaaahaahaahhghghghghghghghghghghghghghhgahhrhrgrhrgrhrgrhrghhahaha!" he wails.
You gather it hurt quite a bit.
You raise the knife to deliver the final blow but it seems the fight has well and truly gone out of Jake. It's just a simple matter of arresting him now and the day is yours...

MAYOR'S HOUSE
You've never been to the house of the Mayor of Stonetomb before and in a way you hope never to have to come here again. It's very nice and glitzy (perhaps too nice and glitzy) but it also seems a little fake. Rather like the Mayor and his servants who drift about the place as if they weren't really there at all. A door set in the east wall leads to the outside world and you find yourself yearning to step through and escape from this bewildering place... You can go: east (to... somewhere)

Mayor Molby is here. "Well done, well done," says the Mayor as he catches sight of you. He comes over, sloshing brandy from an overfilled glass in his hand all over the carpet. "Why, you look a little dazed."
"I don't remember arriving here," you say, looking around you in some wonder.
"Hmph. Wonders of modern technology and all that," says the Mayor. "They can move you from one place to the next in the blink of an eye, you know. So, how does it feel to be a hero then, Fingle Bodge?"
"A... hero?"
The word seems strange to you.
"Yes, a hero. You seem surprised."
"It's just that no one's ever called me a hero before."
"What do they usually call you?"
"Er..." You think - then wish you hadn't. "Doesn't really matter I guess. So, is Mad Jake gone for good then?"
"For as long as our justice system can hold him. What with over a hundred counts of murder to his name I think it's fair to say he won't be seeing the fair light of day for at least a couple of years."
"A couple of..." You trail off. "I thought he'd get the death penalty."
"Hmm? Oh no. Barbaric custom that. I decided to outlaw it a few years back. These days we release criminals back into the community the moment we're sure they've changed their tune and are going to be nice and good from then on. Jake's a nasty one so I'm guessing it'll be a few years at least before he gets released."
You mull over that and wonder if you'll have time to get out of town and find yourself a nice hiding place in that time.
"In the meantime," says the Mayor, "feel free to look around my house although it's a little bland and uninteresting as it just fills as a kind of final location for the game and doesn't really serve any purpose. Oh, and when you're ready to try again, just type 'restart' and you'll back at the start."
"Why would I want to do that?"
"Because," says the Mayor with a sigh, "you only beat the game on the easiest setting. There's the middle and hard settings to do as well. Only when you've mastered them can you really say you've beat the game."
The Mayor leaves you to ponder that while he goes off to wander around his amazing empty mansion.