> 2

It should be impossible for one man to dig himself out of a coffin with nothing but his bare hands, but it's surprising what you can do when the thought of all that soil coming crashing down on you is foremost in your mind.
So I smash the coffin, claw my way through the soil beyond, burst through into the garden above… and then lie there, gasping, and thank my lucky stars that I survived that.
When I've finished gasping and struggled to my feet, I take a look around. I'm in a garden at the back of a large building, perhaps some kind of castle.

1) Head towards the castle.
2) Run in another direction.
3) Wait here and see what happens.

> 1

I approach the castle, wary in case whoever lives inside is responsible for their attempt to bury me alive. I don't have a weapon, so I'll need to rely on my skill, ingenuity and common sense. Fortunately, I have oodles of all three.
I climb some steps to the main doors of the castle and, perhaps not surprisingly, find them locked. But, and this is surprising, there is a half-man, half-goat, half-bulldog creature standing before me with a trident clutched in its inhuman hands.
"Got outta the grave, did you?" it grunts. "Well, you ain't gettin' back inside till you beat me in hand to hand combat."
It also has eight hands.
"And if I choose not to fight you?" I ask.
The half-man, half-goat, half-bulldog creature laughs. "Then you ain't goin' anywhere."

1) Fight it.
2) Trick it.
3) Stand here and do nothing.

> 2

"Before we fight," I say, "we ought to discuss the rules."
The half-man, half-goat, half-bulldog creature frowns. "What rules?"
"The rules of combat, my dear ma- er, half-man, half-goat, half-bulldog creature. If we don't fight by them, then the fight isn't a fair and just one."
The half-man, half-goat, half-bulldog creature frowns some more. "Okay. What rules?"
"Well, first of all there is- Say, I bet that trident's awful heavy. Why don't you lay it down so you don't strain your arms holding it?"
"Yeah, good point," says the half-man, half-goat, half-bulldog creature and lays down the trident. "So these rules…?"
"Yes, the rules of- Hey, I bet you're really hot in all that armour."
"Well, now that you mention it-"
"You should loosen it a bit, yes right there at the neck, so you can let a bit of fresh air in."
"I'll do that. Collar loosened. Okay, the rules- gugughghyjyjyjyj!"
"The rules be damned," I say as I swipe the thing's head off with the trident it dropped. It might have possessed half the qualities of a man, a goat and a bulldog, but it had the brains of a flea.

1) Head into the castle.
2) Look for an alternative entrance.
3) Strip the half-man, half-goat, half-bulldog creature and take its place.

> 1

Still clutching the trident, I stride into the castle. It's a shadowy and grim place inside, some kind of haunted house of hideous horror no doubt. I peer about myself, noticing a corridor in one wall, a door in another and a flight of steps leading up. Each one looks equally grim and forbidding.

1) Go along the corridor.
2) Open the door.
3) Climb the steps.

> 1

The corridor reaches a dead end at a wall where a rotund fellow with a shock of reddish hair can be seen. He's banging frantically away on a laptop and muttering to himself, bizarre words that probably make little sense.

1) Attack him.
2) Speak to him.
3) See what he's doing on the laptop.

> 2

"The name's Bob," he says, furiously typing away. "You may have heard of me. I'm the best writer of text adventures in the world. Everyone says so."
"Everyone?"
He shrugs. "Everyone, no one. Something like that. But I don't worry about their opinions because, let's face it, anyone who plays Bottom Burps IV and doesn't like it clearly hasn't got a clue what they're talking about it. Say, would you like to appear in my game?"

1) "Yes."
2) "No."
3) Make a run for it.

> 3

Clearly this was the correct decision to make when faced with such a dangerously mad character. I turn and run back to the entrance of the castle again, only this time the corridor exit is gone. In its place is an "OUT OF ORDER" sign.

1) Open the door.
2) Climb the steps.

> 1

I fling the door open, wondering what will be behind it, and find myself looking at… a wall. A rather boring and ordinary wall with nothing out of the ordinary about it at all. Aside from the suit of body armour hanging there, of course. Knowing a good suit of body armour when I encounter it, I quickly slip it on and feel so much more protected than before.
A noise from the steps alerts me and I decide it's high time I found out what was up there.

[MORE]

Heart in mouth (not in the literal sense thankfully), I ascend the steps, trident held out before me. There is a flash of light when I reach the top and I find myself stepping forward into… a bedchamber. On the bed is lying a rather rotund fellow dressed in the traditional garb of the vampire.

1) Attack him.
2) Wake him.
3) Look for a way out.

> 2

The vampire awakens at my touch.
"Ah, hello," he says, blinking up at you. "The name's Hubert but I prefer Lord Sinister. What are you doing in my summer retreat?"
"I don't know," I confess. "I woke up in a grave out back, buried alive, and then made my way in here. I was looking for whoever did it."
Hubert/Lord Sinister nods. "Ah, it'll be Sophie you need to speak to."
"Sophie?"
"Yes, poor girl. She had an adventure years ago, a big one, but she's got so impatient waiting for another that she's taken to going out and causing mischief for other people. It's more than a spot of bother, but what can you do?"
"Kill her?" I suggest.
"That's one option, but I'd prefer to sit her down and give her a good talking to instead. Anyway, no doubt you'll be wanting to know where she is. See that puzzle in the corner?"
"The one that involves arranging 2,015 blocks of slightly varying colour into the correct order based on size, weight and interior dimensions?"
"That's the one. Solve it and you'll find out where she is."
I look at the puzzle. And frown. "Isn't it a bit of a lame puzzle?"
Hubert/Lord Sinister nods. "'Fraid so. But it's the only way you'll get to deal with Sophie and the consequences of her actions so you'll have to solve it all the same."

1) Solve the puzzle the old fashioned way.
2) Cheat.
3) Ask Hubert/Lord Sinister for his advice.

> 3

"My advice?" Hubert/Lord Sinister frowns. "Well, I'm no superhero when it comes to these things, but if I were you, I'd-"
And he proceeds to solve the puzzle for me.
A moment later (what happened between isn't really worth mentioning), I find myself leaving the lair of the vampire and stepping into… a cottage in the English countryside. It looks quite a pleasant little place. If given a second chance at life, I might well choose something like this myself.
A sign on one wall indicates that the owner, Mrs Moog, is currently out but total strangers are advised to open the door and come inside anyway.

1) Open the door.
2) Ring the bell.
3) Go somewhere else.

> 2

I ring the bell. At once, the door opens.
Puzzled over this bizarre lapse in security, but nevertheless pleased to have the problem of the closed door solved, I step into the cottage.

[MORE]

"I was bored!" says a petulant voice from ahead. "I mean, ker-rist! How much longer have I got to wait to have another adventure?"
"You think you've got it hard?" says another voice, this old older and more detective-like. "I've been waiting twice as long!"
"You're all better off than me," mutters another voice. "I never even got an adventure. He got bored partway through and didn't bother finishing it-"
I step into a large open room. The three people - a little girl, a grizzled detective, and a teenage boy with a telescope - turn to stare at me.
"What the heck are you doing here?" the little girl - Sophie - screams. "I buried you good 'n' proper! You oughta be dead!"
"Well, I survived," I say. "And you, missy, are in for one damn good telling off."
I half expect the detective and the teenager to try and stop me but they both back off instead.
"Just you and me, Sophie," I say.
She sighs. "Well, I beat that evil chaos lord so I shouldn't have much trouble with you." She rolls her sleeves up and clenches his tiny hands into fists. "Come on then, give us your best shot."

1) Fight her.
2) Try and reason with her.
3) Refuse to fight her.

> 1

I don't feel at all nervous about the outcome of this fight. She is, after all, a little girl and I am, after all, a fully grown man. I shouldn't have much trouble with her if all she's got to fight with are her fists-
Oh. And the gun.
"What?" she says, as she points said gun at my head. "Did you think I was going to fight fair?"
It's possibly a rhetorical question because before I can answer she pulls the trigger and-
And things would doubtless have gone really bad for me then if I didn't have a full suit of armour on me. As it is, the bullet hits my helmet and bounces off.
"Damn!" Sophie cries, stamping her feet in frustration. "That's hardly fair!"
I level the trident at her. "You were saying…?"

1) Stab her.
2) Spare her.
3) Ask her why she did it.

> 3

Sophie frowns. "I was bored, y'know. I had an adventure, and a really long one, in 2003 and I was supposed to have another one in 2004 and then another in 2005, but they never happened. So I got bored and decided I'd just start burying people alive in order to give me something to do. Sorry," she adds sheepishly.

1) Offer to write a game for her.

> 1
"Tell you what," I say, "why don't I introduce you to a friend of mine who can write you an adventure a day for your rest of your life?"
Sophie's eyes light up. "You mean that? Really?"
I nod. "Of course." I take her hand. "Now, where did Bob get to…?"

[MORE]








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