> 2
You were at home when it happened, doing what every single man does when no one is around: yep, watching your Coronation Street compilation tape. You had reached a particularly interesting bit in which someone had discovered that someone's else best friend's husband's cousin was having an affair with someone's cousin's best friend's school teacher and was planning to tell someone's lost sister what was going on. It promised to make for the most riveting piece of television you'd seen since the last Tory conference was broadcast in its entirety.

But then an unfortunate event occurred. You died.

It wasn't until afterwards (i.e. when you died) that you even realised you were dead. This came as something of a shock and if not for the fact that you were now a genuine corpse you'd probably have collapsed dead of shock.

As it was, you just sat there and stared in disgust at the TV which was smouldering away to itself - and the big, skeletal figure in the dark cloak carrying a scythe who was hovering before you.

"Am I dead then?" you asked.

"THAT'S ONE WAY OF LOOKING AT IT," remarked Death.

"What's the other?"

"ACTUALLY THERE ISN'T ONE. I WAS JUST SAYING THAT TO CHEER YOU UP."

"Well, it didn't work."

"NO, I CAN SEE THAT." Death considered its scythe for a moment then went on, "YOU'VE NOT LED A PARTICULARLY GOOD LIFE HAVE YOU, BARNABY SPIRRICH?"

"You try leading a good life with a name like Barnaby Spirrich," you replied.

Death went on as if you hadn't spoke: "YOU'VE GOT BILLS GALORE OUTSTANDING, THE SHOES YOU'RE WEARING ARE STOLEN, YOU LEFT YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO FOOT THE CINEMA BILL ONE NIGHT EVEN THOUGH YOU COULD PAY FOR IT YOURSELF - OH NO, NOT A GOOD LIFE AT ALL."

"I also served in the armed forces for ten years," you say, "and saved the lives of 16 people. Doesn't that count?"

"NO. I'M ONLY CONCERNED WITH THE MINOR STUFF HERE: THE BILLS, THE SHOES, THE GIRLFRIEND... THESE ARE ALL MATTERS THAT NEED DEALING WITH BEFORE YOU GO TO YOUR FINAL RESTING PLACE."

"Hampton Cemetery?"

"NO, HEAVEN. OR, CONSIDERING THE LIFE YOU'VE LED, HELL."

You flinched at that. "H-hell?" you gasped.

Death nodded. "INDEED. AS THINGS STAND, YOU'RE KIND OF ON THE VERY BORDER BETWEEN BEING GOOD ENOUGH TO GO TO HEAVEN AND BAD ENOUGH TO GO TO HELL. THE MATTERS CONCERNING THE BILLS, THE SHOES AND THE GIRLFRIEND WILL BE ENOUGH TO SWAY THE JUDGES ONE WAY OR THE OTHER - ASSUMING YOU MANAGE TO COMPLETE THEM."

"And if I-" swallow "-don't complete them?"

"THEN HELL. CONSIDER IT LIKE A DAY AT BUTLINS. A DAY THAT GOES ON FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND..."

Partway through all that you fainted.

When you recovered, Death was gone (assuming he had ever been there in the first place and you didn't just imagine the whole thing), but the TV was still a smouldering ruin and lying on the floor looking very still was YOU.

Yep, so you're definitely dead then.

A casual glance out of your front window shows a doorway hovering in the middle of the street. To Heaven? Or... the other place? At the moment there's no way of knowing.

The bills, the shoes, the girlfriend - you make a note of each of these in your diary (which can be read from time to time by "read diary") and then decide to set your life in order before stepping through the doorway...

1) Start the game

2) Read the background

3) Read the instructions

4) Why have you written this game?

> 3
The Door To Utopia is a short, fairly straightforward in which you, playing the part of a dead man, have the opportunity to set your previous life straight before going on to a better place.

Character dialogue is handled in the "talk to [character]" style of things although you can also interact with them via "ask [character] about [something]" if you like.

Check the display at the bottom of the screen from time to time. This will tell you how close you are to completing the game. When it hits "completed", you can head through the doorway to a better place (actually you can head through the doorway at any time you want but if "completed" isn't displayed it won't be the better place you get sent to. It'll be the other place). There's no score as such; just consider that if you see "completed" staring at you then you've done well. Anything else, well...

1) Start the game

2) Read the background

3) Read the instructions

4) Why have you written this game?

> 4
It came about as a laugh actually during an ADRIFT chat. I asked someone for some ideas on which I would base a game and a certain someone who shall remain nameless suggested "write a game about a door to a dark and gloomy place where you never have to work again" . Hence The Door To Utopia was born.

I promised to get the game done the same week I started it which goes a long way towards explaining why it isn't in the same size league as the other games I've written.

1) Start the game

2) Read the background

3) Read the instructions

4) Why have you written this game?

> 1
You're in the front room of your house which looks even more untidy than usual due to the fact that your dead body is currently lying on the floor in front of your exploded TV. A door to the south leads to your kitchen and a flight of stairs lead up to your bedroom but that's about it. By the window is a cupboard just begging to be opened.

!!!READ YOUR DIARY!!!

> x body
You were never an oil painting in life and having a great big piece of exploded TV rammed through the middle of your head hasn't improved your looks a whole lot.

Feeling a bit like a graverobber, you have a rummage through your pockets and come across some cash and a smouldering hat which you decide to take with you.

!!!READ YOUR DIARY!!!

> north
You depart your house and step into the street. Standing outside your house on a cold night when it's damp and miserable has never been your idea of a good time. Dying hasn't changed your viewpoint on this even one little bit.

Hovering in midair here is a doorway leading to (depending on the progress you've made so far) either HEAVEN or HELL. It's a little hard to tell anything else about the door due to its brightness.

Your house lies south, the doorway west and the rest of the world in a general easterly direction.

> east
You move east.

Though a hive of excitement, you find yourself unable to overly care about the town square right now. Perhaps it's the fact that you're dead that quells your enthusiasm for it.

The square is actually more a round shape with several roads branching away to the north, northeast and east. South lies the town hall while the road leading back to your house is west of here.

> east
You move east.

The road further on has been blocked off by a construction site. It seems the local council have decided to dig up the road again (only for the third time this week). As such, you aren't going to progress much further unless you decide to kill all of the construction workers.

A wheelbarrow, several bags of sand and a large paving stone are lying on the ground here.

The town square lies back west.

> x sand
You rummage through the bags quickly and come up with some sand which you decide to swipe for no other reason than it's there and, with this being an adventure game, there's bound to be a use for it somewhere.

!!!READ YOUR DIARY!!!

> west
You move west.

Though a hive of excitement, you find yourself unable to overly care about the town square right now. Perhaps it's the fact that you're dead that quells your enthusiam for it.

The square is actually more a round shape with several roads branching away to the north, northeast and east. South lies the town hall while the road leading back to your house is west of here.

> north
You move north.

No one knows why Swaggon Street is so named and as you're dead right now it's something you aren't planning on spending a lot of time worrying over.

The oddly named street winds away south to the town square and northeast to a park. A shoe shop stands to the west.

> west
You find the door to the shoe shop locked and a note tacked to the inside reading: "BACK IN A FEW MINUTES".

> wait
After a few minutes, the clerk from the shoe shop appears from the northeast, opens the shop door and goes inside.

> west
You move west.

It's years since you last went into this shoe shop but nothing seems to have changed. The same shoes still sit on the same shelves, the same bored clerk stands behind the counter and the same poster hangs in the window. A door leads out of the shop to the east. Horace the clerk is here.

> talk to horace the clerk
"What can I do for you?" asks Horace in the voice of someone who really doesn't want to do anything for you.

1) I've come to return these shoes I swiped years ago.
2) Anything worth selling here?
3) How are things today?

> 1
"Shoes?" Horace sees them on your feet and grimaces at the thought. "On, second thoughts you keep 'em on, feller. I'd hate to see what state your feet are in after all these years. But you sure have brought a bit of warmth to my life!"

!!!READ YOUR DIARY!!!

> east
You move east.

No one knows why Swaggon Street is so named and as you're dead right now it's something you aren't planning on spending a lot of time worrying over. The oddly named street winds away south to the town square and northeast to a park. A shoe shop stands to the west.

> ne
You move northeast.

The local town park has really gone downhill in recent years, resembling (as it does now) a bomb site. The swing has tipped over, the roundabout is lying on its side and the sand pit is just now a pit. Even the flower garden, once the highlight of the park, is a desolate ruin. The way back to normality lies southwest.

> fix swing
You quickly right it to the way it should be.

> fix roundabout
Though a struggle, you manage to get the roundabout back upright.

> drop sand
You lay the sand you swiped in the sand pit and feel a warm rosy glow come over you for doing a good deed.

A voice suddenly speaks to you and says: "thank you for rescuing the park from oblivion, stranger".

"Who are you?" you ask.

"I am the guardian angel of the park."

"Really?" You're not surprised. After all, you're a walking corpse.

"No, not really. I'm an old beggar hiding in some bushes about ten feet away but that's not important right now. What is important is that you went out of your way to save the park and so you've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're actually quite a swell guy."

You feel a little closer to Heaven now and a little further away from Hell.

!!!READ YOUR DIARY!!!

> get flowers
You stoop and pick a few of the less desiccated flowers - and hear a growl!

Standing less than ten feet away from you, teeth bared, is a dog the size of a horse (although this analogy only works if the horse itself is actually the size of a dog), not looking at all pleased to see you.

"Er, good doggy," you say hesitantly.

At once, the good doggy goes for your throat and only the fact that you're currently dead ensures it doesn't kill you right there and then. All the same, you make good time to the park exit as, while you can't die, you don't like the idea of spending the rest of eternity inside a dog! No one knows why Swaggon Street is so named and as you're dead right now it's something you aren't planning on spending a lot of time worrying over.

The oddly named street winds away south to the town square and northeast to a park. A shoe shop stands to the west.

> south
You move south.

Though a hive of excitement, you find yourself unable to overly care about the town square right now. Perhaps it's the fact that you're dead that quells your enthusiasm for it.

The square is actually more a round shape with several roads branching away to the north, northeast and east. South lies the town hall while the road leading back to your house is west of here.

> south
You move south.

It's a while since you last set foot in the town hall (mainly on account of all your unpaid bills and the mobs of angry government officials who try to force you to pay every time you come in here). A row of steps lead up to the next floor of the town hall while a door to the southeast has a sign overhead which looks quite interesting. A pretty girl sitting on reception eyes you menacingly. The way out lies north.

> se
You move southeast.

A long row of desks stretch as far as the eye can see (actually about twenty feet but "as far as the eye can see" sounds more impressive). At each of them sits a bleary-eyed individual reminiscent of the living dead.

A large window here overlooks the town square though something about it seems oddly wrong. Tom is here looking even more depressed than you feel.

> ask tom about receptionist
"Oh, her name's Melissa."

> nw
You move northwest.

It's a while since you last set foot in the town hall (mainly on account of all your unpaid bills and the mobs of angry government officials who try to force you to pay every time you come in here). A row of steps lead up to the next floor of the town hall while a door to the southeast has a sign overhead which looks quite interesting. A pretty girl sitting on reception eyes you menacingly. The way out lies north.

> talk to melissa
"My god, you actually know my name," says the receptio- er, Melissa. "It's so long since anyone bothered to call me by my name that I'd almost forgotten what it was. What can I do for you?"

1) A snog would be highly appreciated.
2) How's about letting me wander around upstairs?
3) Any odd jobs you need doing?

> 2
"Why not?" she says and presses a button on her desk. "Up you go."

> talk to melissa
"My god, you actually know my name," says the receptio- er, Melissa. "It's so long since anyone bothered to call me by my name that I'd almost forgotten what it was. What can I do for you?"

1) A snog would be highly appreciated.
2) How's about letting me wander around upstairs?
3) Any odd jobs you need doing?

> 3
"Yeah, now that you mention it there is. I've left my poor little doggy, Kitten, in all day. Can you go and let him out?" She hands you some keys before you can reply. "Oh, thanks ever so much."

!!!READ YOUR DIARY!!!

> give flowers to melissa
"Ah, that's sweet," says Melissa. "No one's given me flowers in ages!" She coos a little more then says, "but I'd better not take them 'cos I'm at work. You save them for later though because I might want them then."

> up
You move up.

You've never been to the first floor of the town hall before so you've no real idea of what to expect. But not this... It looks like a graveyard here (a place you'll be getting acquainted with very well soon enough) what with all the dead bodies lying around and the mounds of earth. Hmm, maybe you've wandered into the wrong adventure by mistake.

Next to the stairs leading down is a door and a shelf, both of which have dirt daubed across them.

> x shelf
Picking through the dirt scattered across this shelf, you come across £5 which you quickly pocket.

> x bodies
All of the corpses here seem to have been bludgeoned to death with a blunt instrument. Does this mean there is a killer at loose in your home town? If you weren't already dead, you might be quite worried about this.

Knowing the dead bodies won't make a lot of use of it, you rummage through their pockets and manage to come up with £7.

> down
You move down.

It's a while since you last set foot in the town hall (mainly on account of all your unpaid bills and the mobs of angry government officials who try to force you to pay every time you come in here). A row of steps lead up to the next floor of the town hall while a door to the southeast has a sign overhead which looks quite interesting. A pretty girl sitting on reception eyes you menacingly. The way out lies north.

> se
You move southeast.

A long row of desks stretch as far as the eye can see (actually about twenty feet but "as far as the eye can see" sounds more impressive). At each of them sits a bleary-eyed individual reminiscent of the living dead.

A large window here overlooks the town square though something about it seems oddly wrong. Tom is here looking even more depressed than you feel.

> talk to tom
"What can I do for you?" Tom asks, sounding less enthusiastic than you felt when you found out you were dead.

1) I'd like to settle my bill.
2) What's it like working here?
3) I'm dead, you know.

> 1
Tom takes your money off you, counts it several times and then slips it into his back pocket. "Consider the debt paid in full," he says.

"Aren't you going to enter that in some kind of official book?" you ask.

"Well, if you insist I will but there's a £45 charge for that."

"No, no, quite alright," you add hastily.

Tom gives you a knowing wink and goes back to work.

!!!READ YOUR DIARY!!!

> nw
You move northwest.
It's a while since you last set foot in the town hall (mainly on account of all your unpaid bills and the mobs of angry government officials who try to force you to pay every time you come in here). A row of steps lead up to the next floor of the town hall while a door to the southeast has a sign overhead which looks quite interesting. A pretty girl sitting on reception eyes you menacingly. The way out lies north.

> north
You move north.
Though a hive of excitement, you find yourself unable to overly care about the town square right now. Perhaps it's the fact that you're dead that quells your enthusiasm for it.

The square is actually more a round shape with several roads branching away to the north, northeast and east. South lies the town hall while the road leading back to your house is west of here.

> ne
You move northeast.

Here the road ends and you find yourself standing outside a house that looks familiar from somewhere. Is this your ex-girlfriend's house? Could well be. The front door lies east and the town square back to the southwest.

> open door
Using the keys Melissa gave you, you open her front door. As soon as you do, a dog comes shooting out of the house, gives a mad howl, and immediately starts savaging a car parked nearby. Attempts to get the dog to stop fall on deaf ears. Well, at least you did as Melissa asked...

!!!READ YOUR DIARY!!!

> east
You move east.

Boy, this place hasn't changed a bit since you were last here - still a dump. It makes your own house look tidy.

This room consists of little more than a table and a chair.

A flight of stairs lead to Melissa's bedroom and is it your imagination or is there someone moving about up there? East is the kitchen and west the dead end street.

> x table
A fairly average looking table made from cheap wood that looks like Melissa probably got it from a car boot sale years ago. A pair of boltcutters is on the table.

> get boltcutters
You take the pair of boltcutters from the table.

> west
You move west.

Here the road ends and you find yourself standing outside a house that looks familiar from somewhere. Is this your ex-girlfriend's house? Could well be. The front door lies east and the town square back to the southwest.

> sw
You move southwest.

Though a hive of excitement, you find yourself unable to overly care about the town square right now. Perhaps it's the fact that you're dead that quells your enthusiasm for it.

The square is actually more a round shape with several roads branching away to the north, northeast and east. South lies the town hall while the road leading back to your house is west of here.

> west
You move west.

Standing outside your house on a cold night when it's damp and miserable has never been your idea of a good time. Dying hasn't changed your viewpoint on this even one little bit.

Hovering in midair here is a doorway leading to (depending on the progress you've made so far) either HEAVEN or HELL. It's a little hard to tell anything else about the door due to its brightness.

Your house lies south, the doorway west and the rest of the world in a general easterly direction.

> south
You return to the warm confines of your house. You're in the front room of your house which looks even more untidy than usual due to the fact that your dead body is currently lying on the floor in front of your exploded TV. A door to the south leads to your kitchen and a flight of stairs lead up to your bedroom but that's about it. By the window is a cupboard just begging to be opened.

> open cupboard
Using the boltcutters, you force the cupboard open. Inside you find a knife which you decide to take with you.

> north
You depart your house and step into the street. Standing outside your house on a cold night when it's damp and miserable has never been your idea of a good time. Dying hasn't changed your viewpoint on this even one little bit.

Hovering in midair here is a doorway leading to (depending on the progress you've made so far) either HEAVEN or HELL. It's a little hard to tell anything else about the door due to its brightness.

Your house lies south, the doorway west and the rest of the world in a general easterly direction.

> east
You move east.

Though a hive of excitement, you find yourself unable to overly care about the town square right now. Perhaps it's the fact that you're dead that quells your enthusiasm for it.

The square is actually more a round shape with several roads branching away to the north, northeast and east. South lies the town hall while the road leading back to your house is west of here.

> ne
You move northeast.

Here the road ends and you find yourself standing outside a house that looks familiar from somewhere. Is this your ex-girlfriend's house? Could well be. The front door lies east and the town square back to the southwest.

> east
You move east.

Boy, this place hasn't changed a bit since you were last here - still a dump. It makes your own house look tidy.

This room consists of little more than a table and a chair.

A flight of stairs lead to Melissa's bedroom and is it your imagination or is there someone moving about up there? East is the kitchen and west the dead end street.

> up
You have fond memories of Melissa's bedroom. This is where you used to-

[CENSORED IN THE INTERESTS OF GOOD TASTE]

It's a pretty sparse room all told, being empty aside from the bed, cupboard, closet, bureau, desk and wardrobe.

A flight of stairs lead down to the rest of Melissa's house. Gunge the killer is here.

"What are you doing in here?" snarls Gunge, a sledgehammer in his hands.

"I'm just a friend of Melissa's who came to let her dog out," you reply calmly (although not as calmly as you would if he wasn't carrying that sledgehammer). "What are you doing here?"

"Me? Oh, I came to kill her." Gunge swings the sledgehammer. "I thought it'd be a nice way to pass the time. Of course, now you've barged in I'll have to kill you as well."

"I'm already dead."

Gunge shrugs. "Well, that should make my job easier..."

> kill killer
You lunge at him with the knife and ram it home in his head. At the same time, he brings the sledgehammer crashing down on you in a killing blow - except you're already dead so it just comes keen.

"Do... I get... a second chance... as well?" asks Gunge as the life leads him.

"NOT BLOODY LIKELY," remarks the cowled figure of Death.

!!!READ YOUR DIARY!!!

> down
You move down.

Boy, this place hasn't changed a bit since you were last here - still a dump. It makes your own house look tidy.

This room consists of little more than a table and a chair.

A flight of stairs lead to Melissa's bedroom and is it your imagination or is there someone moving about up there? East is the kitchen and west the dead end street.

> west
You move west.

Here the road ends and you find yourself standing outside a house that looks familiar from somewhere. Is this your ex-girlfriend's house? Could well be. The front door lies east and the town square back to the southwest.

> sw
You move southwest.

Though a hive of excitement, you find yourself unable to overly care about the town square right now. Perhaps it's the fact that you're dead that quells your enthusiasm for it.

The square is actually more a round shape with several roads branching away to the north, northeast and east. South lies the town hall while the road leading back to your house is west of here.

> west
You move west.

Standing outside your house on a cold night when it's damp and miserable has never been your idea of a good time. Dying hasn't changed your viewpoint on this even one little bit.

Hovering in midair here is a doorway leading to (depending on the progress you've made so far) either HEAVEN or HELL. It's a little hard to tell anything else about the door due to its brightness.

Your house lies south, the doorway west and the rest of the world in a general easterly direction.

> west
You step into the doorway and find yourself in a wonderful place: the sun is bright, the grass is green, the sky is blue...

And off to one side is a tall figure with a scythe.

"Oh, crap!" you say. "Is this Hell then?"

"No, this is Heaven," says Death, "but God has the afternoon off so he asked me if I'd stop by and welcome you here. Well done. You succeeded, including the tasks that I never even mentioned to you."

"That was a bit unsporting, you know."

Death shrugs. For a guy with no shoulders that's quite impressive. "This is a text adventure after all. What did you expect? Fairness?" He glances around. "Anyway, I'm sure you'll be happy here. I mean, you'll never have to work again..."

Up to the last sentence, you thought you really were in Hell, but the words "never have to work again" have restored your faith. You're in Heaven after all.