> south
I move south. I'm on a path winding through the Enchanted Forest. The path winds it way from the north towards the west. In every other direction there are dark, sinister looking trees that wave their branches at me in an anthropomorphic kind of way. Ooh, I'm soooo scared! I can move north, east, south and west.

> west
As I head off along the path a pathetic, mangey looking wolf jumps out from behind a bush and slobbers at me in what he probably hopes is a menacing way.
'I am the Big Bad Wolf!' says he. Then, after an awkward pause he adds 'well, what are you waiting for? Aren't you going to ask me the way to Grandma's house?' He looks at me quizzically for a moment and then slaps his forehead.
'My humblest apologies!' he says. 'You are not the young woman I seek. She of the crimson shawl must needs be elsewhere!' He darts back into the forest.
I'm at a fork in the path. Not the kind of fork you eat with, the sort where the path forks; you know, like a fork. To the north the path widens into a clearing. To the west it disappears into the forest. I can move north, east and west.

> north
I move north. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. I can move north, south and west.

> north
I move north. I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door is closed. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest. A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch. I can also see an empty milkbottle. I can only move south.

> get milkbottle
I pick up the empty milkbottle.

> south
I move south. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. I can move north, south and west.

> west
I move west. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. I can move north, east and in.

> in
I move in. I'm in the potting shed, a ramshackle structure that was obviously cobbled together in five minutes some idle Sunday afternoon. I didn't know bears had green fingers. In fact I didn't know they had fingers at all. Plant pots of all sizes are scattered about the shed untidily and the whole place is festooned with cobwebs. In the corner is an old metal trunk marked 'FISHING TACKLE.' I can also see a pair of secateurs and a ratty old paintbrush. I can only move out.

> x plant pots
Plant pots of all different sizes are scattered about the floor of the shed. A trowel and a pair of gardening gloves are inside one of the plant pots.

> get trowel
I take the trowel from one of the plant pots.

> get gloves
I take the pair of gardening gloves from one of the plant pots.

> out
I move out. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. I can move north, east and in.

> x vegetable plot
It's in a sunny spot by the side of the cottage. There's a bunch of leaves sticking out of the ground there; weird! There's also an overripe pumpkin growing there.

> pull leaves
I take hold of the leaves and give them a good yank. Something pops out of the ground in a great shower of earth! There seems to be some kinda root vegetable actually attached to the leaves. Weird; I always thought these things came from tins!

> north
I move north. I'm in a small meadow at the back of the cottage, separated from the forest by a rickety fence. In the middle of the meadow is what appears to be a homemade wind turbine! To the south, through the tangled pergola, is the garden. Daisy the cow is standing here, chewing disinterestedly on a mouthful of hay. I can only move south.

> feed turnip to daisy the cow
Daisy gobbles down the turnip excitedly before sidling over to me and nuzzling my chest. I get impression she thinks I've got more turnips hidden somewhere about my person. I can't imagine where she gets that idea.

> south
I move south. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. I can move north, east and in. Daisy the cow walks towards me from the north.

> east
I move east. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. I can move north, south and west. Daisy the cow walks towards me from the west.

> south
I move south. I'm at a fork in the path. Not the kind of fork you eat with, the sort where the path forks; you know, like a fork. To the north the path widens into a clearing. To the west it disappears into the forest. I can move north, east and west. Daisy the cow walks towards me from the north.

> east
I move east. I'm on a path winding through the Enchanted Forest. The path winds it way from the north towards the west. In every other direction there are dark, sinister looking trees that wave their branches at me in an anthropomorphic kind of way. Ooh, I'm soooo scared! I can move north, east, south and west. Daisy the cow walks towards me from the west.

> north
I move north. A large wooden sign informs me that I'm in the Enchanted Forest. What it doesn't tell me is how the hell I get out! Everywhere I look there are trees, trees, trees. This place definately has a 'tree' theme going. A clearly marked path leads south and west, whilst in every other direction are, well, trees. An old pedlar is sitting on a log here, tending to his bunions. I can move north, east and south. Daisy the cow walks towards me from the south.

'Ah, now there's a lovely specimen!' says the Pedlar, getting up from his log and feeling Daisy's knees. He seems satisfied. 'all present and correct! Here you go love - you'll be cured in no time!' He open his suitcase and hands me a small packet, then leads Daisy off into the forest.

> open packet
I open the small packet. A magic bean is inside the small packet.

> get magic bean
I take the magic bean from the small packet.

> south
I move south. I'm on a path winding through the Enchanted Forest. The path winds it way from the north towards the west. In every other direction there are dark, sinister looking trees that wave their branches at me in an anthropomorphic kind of way. Ooh, I'm soooo scared! I can move north, east, south and west.

> west
I move west. I'm at a fork in the path. Not the kind of fork you eat with, the sort where the path forks; you know, like a fork. To the north the path widens into a clearing. To the west it disappears into the forest. I can move north, east and west.

> north
I move north. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. I can move north, south and west.

> west
I move west. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. I can move north, east and in.

> plant bean
Okay, I planted it in the vegetable plot. Nothing seems to be happening. So much for the "magic."

> fill milkbottle with water
Okay, I filled the bottle with water from the pond. Yeeurrggh! My hand is covered in pondslime now! Thanks a lot!

> water bean
Okay, I watered the magic bean. After a few moments there is a low rumble from underground. The ground begins to shake violently...

Aaah! Something shot out of the ground and knocked me flying! I'm lying spreadeagled on the ground beneath this MASSIVE beanstalk! Well, I say massive, actually it stops abruptly just above the roof of the cottage.

Damn, I seem to have dropped all my stuff...

> get gloves
I pick up the pair of gardening gloves.

> in
(Getting up off the floor first) I move in. I'm in the potting shed, a ramshackle structure that was obviously cobbled together in five minutes some idle Sunday afternoon. I didn't know bears had green fingers. In fact I didn't know they had fingers at all. Plant pots of all sizes are scattered about the shed untidily and the whole place is festooned with cobwebs. In the corner is an old metal trunk marked 'FISHING TACKLE.' I can also see a pair of secateurs and a ratty old paintbrush. I can only move out.

> open trunk
I open the trunk. It contains some sticks of dynamite. If this is what Papa Bear thinks of as fishing tackle I dread to think what he uses for hunting - a Sherman tank, perhaps?

> get dynamite
I take the sticks of dynamite from the old metal trunk.

> get paintbrush
I pick up the ratty old paintbrush.

> get secateurs
I pick up the pair of secateurs.

> out
I move out. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. A gigantic beanstalk rises out of the vegetable plot and stops abruptly just above the level of the roof. I can also see a broken bottle, a small packet and a trowel. I can move north, east and in.

> climb beanstalk
If Jack can do it, so can Goldilocks! I'm at the top of the beanstalk. I was under the impression that these giant beanstalks all had castles at the top of them, but not this scrawny specimin. However I can almost touch the roof of the cottage from here. I can only move down.

> jump roof
Okay... Oof! Fortunately for you I had a soft landing on the thatched roof of the cottage... I'm perched precariously on the roof of the cottage, trying desperately not to look down. There is a chimney here attached to which is a TV aerial. It kind of spoils the chocolate box look of the place if you know what I mean. The top of the beanstalk can be seen poking up above the roofline.

> climb down chimney
Okay here goes... Wheee! I slid right down the chimney and out of the fireplace! That was fun. Can I do it again? I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room. I can move north and east.

> x table
It looks rather rustic, which is to say that it looks like a bunch of logs crudely nailed together. On the dining table is a spoon, a large bowl, a medium-sized bowl and a tiny little bowl.

> get spoon
I take the spoon from the dining table.

> x dresser
It's an olde worlde pine number. Looks like it's seen quite a bit of use over the years. The kitchen dresser is closed.

> open dresser
I open the kitchen dresser. A gigantic bowl is inside the kitchen dresser.

> get gigantic bowl
I take the gigantic bowl from the kitchen dresser.

> mix porridge in gigantic bowl
Okay, I poured the cold porridge and the hot porridge into the gigantic bowl and mixed them together with the spoon. Now I have one gigantic bowl of hot-but-not-too-hot porridge! why didn't the Three Bears think of that? I guess I must be smarter than the average bear!

> eat porridge in tiny little bowl
Mmmmm! That porridge tasted JUST RIGHT! Pity there wasn't more of it though, I'm starving!!!

> eat porridge in gigantic bowl
Mmmmm! That porridge tasted JUST RIGHT! I feel thoroughly invigourated; in fact I could toss a few cabers myself if you know what I mean. Wait, that sounded really dodgy. Forget I said it.

> drop gigantic bowl
I drop the gigantic bowl.

> drop spoon
I drop the spoon.

> north
I move north. I'm in the pantry, a small claustrophobic room which smells faintly of cinammon, honey and the mouse droppings that are liberally sprinkled across the tiled floor. There are some sturdy shelves on the wall and an upright freezer in the corner. Over in the corner of the pantry, underneath the shelves is a mousetrap. I can only move south.

> x shelf
One of the bears is obviously into DIY. On the shelf is a box of porridge oats, a matchbox and a wedge of cheese.

> get box
I take the box of porridge oats from the shelf.

> open box
I open the box of porridge oats. There is a plastic pendant at the bottom of the box, but it is otherwise empty.

> get pendant
I take the pendant from the box of porridge oats.

> wear pendant
Oh wow! As soon as I put it on it becomes a glow-in-the-dark pendant! How cool is that?

> drop box
I drop the box of porridge oats.

> get cheese
I take the wedge of cheese from the shelf.

> get matchbox
I take the matchbox from the shelf.

> south
I move south. I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room. I can also see a spoon and a gigantic bowl. I can move north and east.

> east
I move east. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is closed. I can also see a bearskin rug. I can move north, west and up.

'Ding-Dong!' The doorbell rings. A booming voice can be heard from the direction of the front door: 'Little pigs, little pigs, LET ME IN, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN!'

> open door
I open the door a tiny crack. As I do so, the mangy looking wolf I encountered on the path barges into the hall, his beady eyes darting this way and that.

'I'm going to eat you little piggies!' he snarls. 'Don't worry, it won't hurt a bit.' Then he notices me and his expression turns to one of bewilderment. 'My dear girl,' he says 'we really must stop meeting like this. It is not you I seek, but the Three Little Pigs. I waited two whole weeks for Little Red Riding Hood, after devouring her grandmother who was exceedingly tough and chewy and quite frankly I have had enough of the taste of humans. Go tell those snivelling pigs it's breakfast time!!'

The front door is now open. A stiff breeze from somewhere threatens to blow it shut...

> ask wolf about pigs
'Pork! Ah! That most delectable and sumptuous of dishes! By any chance do you happen to know where I might happen upon such a delicacy?'

> north
I move north. From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Three chairs are arranged around a small coffee table; a large chair, a medium-sized chair and a tiny little chair. I can only move south.

> sit on tiny little chair
Wow, this chair feels just right! Oh, crap!! The stupid thing collapsed right under me! I guess that's what happens if you buy self-assembly.

> get firewood
I pick up the pile of firewood.

> south
(Getting up off the floor first) I move south. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. I can also see a bearskin rug. The Big Bad Wolf is here. I can move north, west, up and out.

> west
I move west. I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room. I can also see a spoon and a gigantic bowl. I can move north and east.

> put firewood on fireplace
I put the pile of firewood onto the fireplace.

> light firewood
I strike a match and set fire to the remains of Baby Bear's chair...

Alright! There's a blazing fire in the hearth now. Who says I'm not domesticated? That's only one step away from cooking! And to think they kicked me out of the Girl Scouts!

> north
I move north. I'm in the pantry, a small claustrophobic room which smells faintly of cinammon, honey and the mouse droppings that are liberally sprinkled across the tiled floor. There are some sturdy shelves on the wall and an upright freezer in the corner. Over in the corner of the pantry, underneath the shelves is a mousetrap. I can also see a box of porridge oats. I can only move south.

> open freezer
I open the freezer. A packet of frozen pork chops is inside the freezer.

> get pork chops
I take the packet of frozen pork chops from the freezer.

> south
I move south. I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room. I can also see a spoon and a gigantic bowl. I can move north and east.

> put pork chops on hearth
I put the pork chops on the hearth. Wow, they defrosted quickly!

> get pork chops
I take the packet of medium rare pork chops from the fireplace.

> east
I move east. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. I can also see a bearskin rug. The Big Bad Wolf is here. I can move north, west, up and out.

> give pork chops to wolf
The wolf grabs the packet of pork chops and tears off the wrapper, then rolls on the floor gnawing at them like a dog with an old slipper. Moments later, when he has recovered his dignity, he rises to his feet and says 'My dear girl, that was simply exquisite! I am indebted for you for that delectable dish! If there is anything I can do in return, simply name it, and it will be done! Huffing and puffing a speciality...'

> x door
The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment.

> wedge door with cheese
Okay, I wedged the door open with the stale cheese.

> out
I move out. I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest. A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch. I can move south and in. The Big Bad Wolf walks towards me from inside.

> south
I move south. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. I can move north, south and west. The Big Bad Wolf walks towards me from the north.

> west
I move west. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. A gigantic beanstalk rises out of the vegetable plot and stops abruptly just above the level of the roof. I can also see a broken bottle, a small packet and a trowel. I can move north, east and in. The Big Bad Wolf walks towards me from the east.

> north
I move north. I'm in a small meadow at the back of the cottage, separated from the forest by a rickety fence. In the middle of the meadow is what appears to be a homemade wind turbine! To the south, through the tangled pergola, is the garden. I can only move south. The Big Bad Wolf walks towards me from the south.

> ask wolf to blow turbine
'Ah, so you wish to make use of my prodigious talents! Well never fear, I shall huff, and I shall puff, and I shall have that turbine turning in a jiffy!' True to his word, the wolf huffs, and he puffs, and he blows the turbine with a gale-force blast of air that sends it spinning like a toy windmill.
'My debt is paid, dear child - I shall now return to the forest which is the natrual habitat of a fearsome predator such as I. I bid you adieu!' With that he gives a low bow, at which point the oil can falls from the top of the turbine and bops him on the head. With a cluck of annoyance he hitches up the hem of his nightdress, hops over the fence and disappears into the forest.

> get oil can
I pick up the oil can.

> oil secateurs
Okay, a dash of SUPERLUBE and these babies are as good as new!

> drop oil can
I drop the oil can.

> south
I move south. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. A gigantic beanstalk rises out of the vegetable plot and stops abruptly just above the level of the roof. I can also see a broken bottle, a small packet and a trowel. I can move north, east and in.

> east
I move east. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. I can move north, south and west.

> north
I move north. I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest. A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch. I can move south and in.

> in
I move in. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. I can also see a bearskin rug. I can move north, west, up and out.

> get rug
I pick up the bearskin rug. Oh, wow, there's a trapdoor hidden underneath the rug! What a stupid place to put it - right in front of the front door. Someone could have a nasty accident if they didn't know it was there!

> open trapdoor
I open the trapdoor. A set of rickety wooden stairs lead down into darkness.

> down
I move down. I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar. I can only move up.

> x fusebox
There is a volt meter inside, and two switches marked A and B.

> x volt meter
There's a needle indicating how much power is stored in the cottage's batteries. The volt meter is registering 240 volts.

> x wardrobe
An old wooden wardrobe with brass handles that looks like it's seen better days. Probably why it's in the cellar. There's a gentle breeze coming from behind the wardrobe! The wardrobe is locked.

> up
I move up. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> west
I move west. I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room. I can also see a spoon and a gigantic bowl. I can move north and east.

> wear gloves
I put on the gloves, but they're much too big for me and feel just a little loose!

> x fireplace
Must be where Mama bear cooks all her porridge. I don't know why she doesn't just get herself a microwave. There is a blazing fire in the hearth! Something glints among the embers...

> x ash
The thick gardening gloves protect my hands as I poke through the fire. Hey, there's an old brass key among the embers! What a ridiculous place to keep it. I pick it up in case it comes in useful.

> east
I move east. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

Damn! The gloves just dropped off my hands! Yes, both of them, at the same time! What are the chances of that?

> down
I move down. I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar. I can only move up.

> unlock wardrobe with brass key
I unlock the wardrobe with the old brass key.

> open wardrobe
I open the wardrobe. A set of dumbells is inside the wardrobe.

> get dumbells
I take the set of dumbells from the wardrobe.

> up
I move up. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> north
I move north. From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere. I can only move south.

> sit on medium-sized chair
Wow - this chair is sooooo soft! I feel as though I'm sinking into a black hole! Oh my god, I am! I seem to have sunk deep within the soft, enveloping folds of the medium-sized chair, the place where biscuit crumbs, loose change and other lost items normally accumulate. I can just see a small window of light, the only way out of this warm, stifling floral-print cocoon. I can also see a pair of very thick spectacles. I can only move out.

> drop dumbells
I drop the set of dumbells.

> get spectacles
I pick up the pair of very thick spectacles.

> out
I move out. From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere. I can only move south.

> south
I move south. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> down
I move down. I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar. I can only move up.

> move wardrobe
Okay.... Oof! I moved it. Oh, wow! There's a gothic archway behind here leading into some kind of hidden room! The words 'Baby Bear's Playroom' are painted above the arch!

> west
I move west. I'm in a dark passage carved into the rock. It curves around to the north. I can move north and east.

> north
I move north. This seems to be a small annex to the main part of the cellar. Everything about the decor of this place says 'dungeon' to me, from the guttering torches to the ragrolled paint effect on the walls that's meant to look like ancient stonework. Unfortunately the rotting skeleton manacled to the wall is only too real. A sign on the wall opposite the skeleton says 'When we say NO TRESPASSERS we mean NO TRESPASSERS!' Something for the bears' victims to think about while they languish in this dump. The passage leads south back to the cellar. I can only move south.

> x skeleton
It's wearing a red cape with a hood. I guess this must be the elusive Little Red Riding Hood! No wonder she never made it to Grandma's house - she must have called at the wrong cottage by mistake, poor little twerp!
Hmm, what's this? There appears to be a blackened metal poker shoved up her, um, actually you don't want to know where it was shoved. Ouch.

I've taken the poker in case it comes in useful.

> south
I move south. I'm in a dark passage carved into the rock. It curves around to the north. I can move north and east.

> east
I move east. I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. There's a gothic archway leading out of the cellar to the west. A battered old wardrobe stands close to the archway. I can move west and up.

> open washing machine with poker
I jam the poker in the door of the machine and give it a good hard push. There is a sharp crack and the door flies open! Who was it said that brute force never achieved anything?

> drop rug
I drop the bearskin rug.

> drop key
I drop the old brass key.

> x washing machine
It doesn't seem to have been used in a while, probably because it's missing it's motor. The washing machine is open. An odd sock is inside the washing machine.

> x sock
It looks all kind of lost and lonely. A tiny metal key is inside the odd sock.

> press switch b
Okay, Switch B is in the OFF position.

> up
I move up. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> get tiny metal key
I pick up the old brass key.

> drop sock
I drop the sock.

> north
I move north. From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere. I can only move south.

> x large chair
It's a huge overstuffed leather affair covered with leather buttons. It looks well worn, as though the person it belongs to has nothing better to do than sit on a horrible hard chair all day. A filthy antimacassar is draped over the back of the chair.

One of the buttons on the arm looks slightly different from the others...

> get antimacassar
Bloody hell! There are electrodes concealed underneath it! Papa Bear must be a little tetchy about other people using his chair - he's wired it up to the mains! There's a cable connected to the electrodes which presumably supplies the juice.

> cut cable
Okay, I use the secateurs to cut the cable connecting the electrodes to the power supply. Let's see Papa Bear try to fry me now!

> south
I move south. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> down
I move down. I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. There's a gothic archway leading out of the cellar to the west. A battered old wardrobe stands close to the archway. I can also see a bearskin rug. I can move west and up.

> press switch b
Okay, Switch B is in the ON position.

> up
I move up. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> north
I move north. From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere. I can only move south.

> sit on large chair
Bloody hell! This has got to be the hardest chair I've ever sat in! I've only been here two seconds and my buttocks are as numb as a pair of frozen fishcakes!

> press button
Whoa! A hole just opened up in the floor and the chair is carrying me down into the bowels of the earth! It's just like something out of a James Bond film!

Ouch! - it's stopped...

I'm in an underground cave. From the decor I'd say this was Papa Bear's private den, a place of sanctuary away from the rigours of family life. The walls are plastered with posters of football teams and pin-ups from 'Playbear.' A solid metal door, set into the western wall of the cave looks almost impenetrable. There's an electric socket in the wall next to the door. The large chair is now facing a television set and there's a fridge within easy reach of the chair. I can also see a TV remote control.

The jolt threw me out of the chair - I guess the mechanism was designed for someone much heavier than me!

> plug in television
Okay, I put the plug in the wall socket.

> get remote control
I pick up the TV remote control.

> watch tv
The TV is plugged in, but there's nothing on the screen but static!

> sit in large chair
I sit down on the chair.

> press button
The chair shoots back up through a hole carved in the roof of the cave, carrying me with it. The hole in the sitting room floor closes behind it.

> south
(Getting off the large chair first) I move south. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> out
I move out. I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest. A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch. I can move south and in.

> south
I move south. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. I can move north, south and west.

> west
I move west. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. A gigantic beanstalk rises out of the vegetable plot and stops abruptly just above the level of the roof. I can also see a broken bottle, a small packet and a trowel. I can move north, east and in.

> climb beanstalk
If Jack can do it, so can Goldilocks! I'm at the top of the beanstalk. I was under the impression that these giant beanstalks all had castles at the top of them, but not this scrawny specimin. However I can almost touch the roof of the cottage from here. I can only move down.

> jump roof
Okay... Oof! Fortunately for you I had a soft landing on the thatched roof of the cottage... I'm perched precariously on the roof of the cottage, trying desperately not to look down. There is a chimney here attached to which is a TV aerial. It kind of spoils the chocolate box look of the place if you know what I mean. The top of the beanstalk can be seen poking up above the roofline.

> adjust aerial
Okay - that should impove the picture!

> jump
Okay... I hurled myself into the top branches of the beanstalk. It swayed around a bit but I managed to cling on. I'm at the top of the beanstalk. I was under the impression that these giant beanstalks all had castles at the top of them, but not this scrawny specimin. However I can almost touch the roof of the cottage from here. I can only move down.

> down
I move down. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. A gigantic beanstalk rises out of the vegetable plot and stops abruptly just above the level of the roof. I can also see a broken bottle, a small packet and a trowel. I can move north, east and in.

> east
I move east. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. I can move north, south and west.

> north
I move north. I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest. A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch. I can move south and in.

> in
I move in. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> north
I move north. From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere. I can only move south.

> sit on large chair
Bloody hell! This has got to be the hardest chair I've ever sat in! I've only been here two seconds and my buttocks are as numb as a pair of frozen fishcakes!

> push button
Whoa! A hole just opened up in the floor and the chair is carrying me down into the bowels of the earth! It's just like something out of a James Bond film!

Ouch! - it's stopped...

I'm in an underground cave. From the decor I'd say this was Papa Bear's private den, a place of sanctuary away from the rigours of family life. The walls are plastered with posters of football teams and pin-ups from 'Playbear.' A solid metal door, set into the western wall of the cave looks almost impenetrable. There's an electric socket in the wall next to the door. The large chair is now facing a television set and there's a fridge within easy reach of the chair.

The jolt threw me out of the chair - I guess the mechanism was designed for someone much heavier than me!

> watch television
It's a cookery programme - some old crone in a gingerbread house is demonstrating how to cook CHILDREN!

> press channel
It's the Jerry Springer Show - this week: My Stepdaughter is living in the forest with seven little men...

> press channel
It's the Fairyland Shopping Channel - "Tired of porridge every morning? Sounds like you need toast-o-mastic 1000 atomic three - slot toaster! Toast three pieces of bread simultaneously on three different settings! Never again will Dad complain that his toast is under-done or Mum that her toast is burnt... and for baby of course it's always just right! Press BUY now to make your purchase!"

> press buy
Okay, one toast-o-mastic 3000 atomic 3 - slot toaster ordered!

> press channel
It's the Fairyland News Channel - "This just in... Prince Charming of Fairyland has been turned into a frog. A Palace spokesperson today confirmed that the transformation took place late last night after a run-in between the Prince and a wicked witch. Police are holding a local crone for questioning in connection with the incident. The whereabouts of the Prince are as yet unknown, but he was last seen hopping towards the Enchanted Forest..."

> open fridge
I open the refridgerator. A can of beer is inside the refridgerator.

> get beer
I take the can of beer from the refridgerator.

> drink beer
Down in one! (Glug, glug glug!) God, that hits the spot! (Burp!)

> drop beer can
I drop the empty beer can.
'Ding-Dong!' A bell rings somewhere.

> sit on large chair
I sit down on the chair.

> press button
The chair shoots back up through a hole carved in the roof of the cave, carrying me with it. The hole in the sitting room floor closes behind it.

> look
From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere. I can only move south.

> south
(Getting off the large chair first) I move south. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> drop matchbox
I drop the matchbox.

> drop remote control
I drop the TV remote control.

> drop secateurs
I drop the pair of secateurs.

> drop paintbrush
I drop the ratty old paintbrush.

> drop antimacassar
I drop the antimacassar.

> out
I move out. I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest. A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch. I can also see a package. I can move south and in.

> get package
I pick up the package.

> open package
I open the package. An electric toaster and a leaflet are inside the package.

> in
I move in. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, a ratty old paintbrush, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> get toaster
My hands are full.

> wear spectacles
I put on the pair of very thick spectacles.

> read leaflet
'Thankyou for purchasing the toast-o-mastic 3000 atomic 3 - slot toaster. This revolutionary gadget allows you to toast not one but three slices of bread at the same time... blah blah blah.' Through the glasses I can actually read the microscopic print at the bottom of the page: 'The Toast-O-Matic 3000 uses a small nuclear reactor for instantaneous toasting satisfaction. However, the unit still requires electricty to initiate the reaction. Under normal circumstances there is no danger of nuclear meltdown. Refer all servicing to a qualified nuclear physicist. The manufacturers take no responsiblity for injury or death resulting from the misuse of this product.'

> drop spectacles
I drop the pair of very thick spectacles.

> drop leaflet
I drop the leaflet.

> put dynamite in toaster
Hmmm... they seem to fit quite snuggly. I jammed them in upside down so that the fuses are touching the heating elements of the toaster.

> down
I move down. I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. There's a gothic archway leading out of the cellar to the west. A battered old wardrobe stands close to the archway. I can also see a bearskin rug. I can move west and up.

> press switch a
Okay, Switch A is in the OFF position.

> up
I move up. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, a ratty old paintbrush, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> north
I move north. From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere. I can only move south.

> sit on large chair
Bloody hell! This has got to be the hardest chair I've ever sat in! I've only been here two seconds and my buttocks are as numb as a pair of frozen fishcakes!

> press button
Whoa! A hole just opened up in the floor and the chair is carrying me down into the bowels of the earth! It's just like something out of a James Bond film!

Ouch! - it's stopped...

I'm in an underground cave. From the decor I'd say this was Papa Bear's private den, a place of sanctuary away from the rigours of family life. The walls are plastered with posters of football teams and pin-ups from 'Playbear.' A solid metal door, set into the western wall of the cave looks almost impenetrable. There's an electric socket in the wall next to the door. The large chair is now facing a television set and there's a fridge within easy reach of the chair. I can also see an empty beer can.

The jolt threw me out of the chair - I guess the mechanism was designed for someone much heavier than me!

> unplug tv
Okay, I pulled the plug out of the wall socket.

> plug in toaster
Okay, I put the plug in the wall socket.

> press control lever
Okay, I pushed down the little control lever.

> sit in large chair
I sit down on the chair.

> press button
The chair shoots back up through a hole carved in the roof of the cave, carrying me with it. The hole in the sitting room floor closes behind it.

> look
From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere. I can only move south.

> south
(Getting off the large chair first) I move south. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, a ratty old paintbrush, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> down
I move down. I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. There's a gothic archway leading out of the cellar to the west. A battered old wardrobe stands close to the archway. I can also see a bearskin rug. I can move west and up.

> press switch a
Okay, Switch A is in the ON position. Down in the cave the toaster elements heat up igniting the fuses on the sticks of dynamite...

...which explode causing a chain reaction...

"KABOOOOM!!!"

The toaster's atomic batteries go into meltdown resulting in a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION which rocks the whole cottage!

> up
I move up. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, a ratty old paintbrush, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> north
I move north. From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere. I can only move south.

> sit in large chair
Bloody hell! This has got to be the hardest chair I've ever sat in! I've only been here two seconds and my buttocks are as numb as a pair of frozen fishcakes!

> press button
Whoa! A hole just opened up in the floor and the chair is carrying me down into the bowels of the earth! It's just like something out of a James Bond film!

Ouch! - it's stopped...

The cave has been completely devastated by the explosion! Where the door used to be there is now a gaping hole in the rock. The walls of the cave, melted by the intensive heat of my homemade atomic bomb are still glowing faintly. Of the television set there is no sign. The fridge is lying on its side, smoking slightly. I can also see an empty beer can. I can only move west.

The jolt threw me out of the chair - I guess the mechanism was designed for someone much heavier than me!

> west
I move west. This must be where Papa Bear does all his D.I.Y. It's a small but tidy workshop with a bench and an old filing cabinet in the corner. Pinned to the walls are what appear to be the blueprints for various devices. Sitting in the middle of the floor is a huge wooden crate, stencilled with the words: "DANGER: PROTOTYPE!" I can only move east.

> open crate with poker
Using the poker like a crowbar I wrench the crate apart at the seams. It collapses to reveal a strange cauldron-like contraption inside.

> drop poker
I drop the blackened metal poker.

> unlock filing cabinet with key
I unlock the battered old filing cabinet with the tiny metal key.

> drop tiny metal key
I drop the tiny metal key.

> open filing cabinet
I open the battered old filing cabinet. A warranty and a set of instructions are inside the battered old filing cabinet.

> read instructions
It appears to be the operating instructions for a magic porridge pot. They seem to be fairly straightforward. "To start the pot, say ALAKAZAM. To stop the pot, say ALAKAZOO." There's a note at the bottom to the effect that the stop spell is extremely tempermental and that the pot should under no circumstances be used in confined spaces!

> x bench
It's old and worn, splattered with paint and full of grooves and dents. A wrench and a tin of gold paint are on the bench.

> get wrench
I take the wrench from the bench.

> get paint
I take the tin of gold paint from the bench.

> east
I move east. The cave has been completely devastated by the explosion! Where the door used to be there is now a gaping hole in the rock. The walls of the cave, melted by the intensive heat of my homemade atomic bomb are still glowing faintly. Of the television set there is no sign. The fridge is lying on its side, smoking slightly. I can also see an empty beer can. I can only move west.

> sit in large chair
I sit down on the chair.

> press button
The chair shoots back up through a hole carved in the roof of the cave, carrying me with it. The hole in the sitting room floor closes behind it.

> south
(Getting off the large chair first) I move south. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, a ratty old paintbrush, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> get paintbrush
I pick up the ratty old paintbrush.

> up
I move up. I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a huge bed. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall. A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing. For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed. I can only move down.

> open window with wrench
Taking the wrench in both hands, I give the catch a good sharp twist. The layers of ancient paint crack and flake off allowing me to open the window. As I do so, a tiny point of light zips into the room from outside! It whizzes two or three times around my head and then, with a sharp 'ping' transforms itself into a tiny little old lady with wings.
'Fear not, Cinderella!' She says, staggering slightly as she recovers from her exertions, 'I am your Fairy Godmother and you shall go to the... to the... oh, what was it now?' She looks up at me, bewildered. 'Who are you? Is it time for my medicine?'

> x huge bed
It's very large and very uncomfortable looking, and is covered by a single rather thin looking blanket. Is this guy some kind of masochist or what?

> get blanket
Wow! Now I understand why the huge bed felt so hard! What better way to conceal from your wife the fact that you've spent your family's entire annual porridge budget on a full sized snooker table than to give up your conjugal rights altogether and disguise it as a bed! Boy, could this couple use some marriage guidance!

> drop blanket
I drop the rather thin blanket.

> x snooker table
No wonder it was so hard! The "bed" was actually a full sized snooker table with pockets and everything...

> x pockets
A standard part of your basic snooker table I believe. A cue ball is inside one of the pockets.

> drop package
I drop the package.

> get cue ball
I take the cue ball from one of the pockets.

> paint cue ball
Okay, I painted the cue ball gold.

> drop paint
I drop the tin of gold paint.

> drop paintbrush
I drop the ratty old paintbrush.

> out
I can only move down.

> south
I can only move down.

> down
I move down. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out.

> out
I move out. I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest. A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch. I can move south and in.

> south
I move south. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. I can move north, south and west.

> west
I move west. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. A gigantic beanstalk rises out of the vegetable plot and stops abruptly just above the level of the roof. I can also see a broken bottle, a small packet and a trowel. I can move north, east and in.

> throw ball in pond
The ball lands in the pond with a dull plop. A few moments later a small green frog emerges from the pond clutching it in one of his slimy flippers. He drops it on the grass in front of me and puckers up expectantly...

> kiss frog
Yeeeuch! Actually he's not a bad smoocher, I've never kissed anyone before with such a flexible tongue... Whoa! There was a flash of light and the frog just turned into a handsome prince! 'Thanks, babe,' he says, looking me up and down, 'I'd love to hang around but I'm off to find me a real princess - I simply must have a date for the Royal Ball tonight. Maybe we can do lunch sometime!' He runs off towards the forest. I think I preferred him as a frog - less slimy!

> east
I move east. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. Prince Charming is standing here, viewing his surroundings with an air of distaste. I can move north, south and west.

> ask prince charming about sleeping beauty
'If it's a real princess you're after,' I say as casually as I can, 'you should check out the bird up in the Three Bears' bedroom. Name of Sleeping Beauty.'
'Sleeping Beauty?' replies the prince, 'sounds intriguing. A woman who spends all her time asleep won't be able to nag me or object when I'm out late drinking with the boys. Where is this princess of which you speak? Lead me to her!'

> west
I move west. I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. A gigantic beanstalk rises out of the vegetable plot and stops abruptly just above the level of the roof. I can also see a broken bottle, a small packet, a golden ball and a trowel. I can move north, east and in. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> get pumpkin
I take the overripe pumpkin from the vegetable plot.

> east
I move east. I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west. I can move north, south and west. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> north
I move north. I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest. A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch. I can move south and in. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> in
I move in. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> up
I move up. I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a full sized snooker table. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall. A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing. I can also see a package, a rather thin blanket, a tin of gold paint and a ratty old paintbrush. My Fairy Godmother is here. For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed. I can only move down. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> give pumpkin to fairy godmother
'Thankyou dear,' says my Fairy Godmother as I hand her the pumpkin. 'With a wave of my wand I shall transform this pumpkin into a lovely golden coach. Now let me see...' She takes out her wand and waves it over the pumpkin a couple of times, somewhat uncertainly. After a short time the pumpkin begins to swell as though someone were pumping it full of air. Then there is a soft, damp 'plop' as the pumpkin explodes, showering the two of us with orange goo.
'Oh dear,' says my Fairy Godmother 'that wasn't quite right! Never mind, we'll have to make do without a coach. Perhaps you can ride one of the coach horses...'

> down
I move down. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> west
I move west. I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room. I can also see a spoon and a gigantic bowl. I can move north and east. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> north
I move north. I'm in the pantry, a small claustrophobic room which smells faintly of cinammon, honey and the mouse droppings that are liberally sprinkled across the tiled floor. There are some sturdy shelves on the wall and an upright freezer in the corner. Over in the corner of the pantry, underneath the shelves is a mousetrap. I can also see a box of porridge oats. I can only move south. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> x mousetrap
A simple little gadget designed to deliver swift and painless death to harmless little rodents. A dead mouse is inside the mousetrap.

> get dead mouse
I take the dead mouse from the mousetrap.

> south
I move south. I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room. I can also see a spoon and a gigantic bowl. I can move north and east. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> east
I move east. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> up
I move up. I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a full sized snooker table. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall. A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing. I can also see a package, a rather thin blanket, a tin of gold paint and a ratty old paintbrush. My Fairy Godmother is here. For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed. I can only move down. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> give dead mouse to fairy godmother
'He's a jolly little chap, isn't he?' Says my Fairy Godmother as I hand over the dead mouse. With a wave of her magic wand she transforms it into a dead coach horse. She seems perfectly satisfied with this outcome. 'Now, child, that's the transport sorted out. Now for the other thing. What was it now...?'

> ask fairy godmother about ball gown
'Oh, yes dear - that was it,' says my Fairy Godmother 'You can't possibly go to the ball looking like that!' I'm a little offended by this but decide to bite my lip. 'Wait a second while I reprogram my wand.' After a few moments she raises the wand and waves it frantically as though it were stuck to her hand and she were desperate to get rid of it. There is a sudden, bright flash and my dress disappears in a puff of smoke!
'Oh dear,' says my Fairy Godmother with a frown, 'that's not the rags-to-ballgown spell, it's the one for moving stuff down to the cellar, I used it last weekend when I cleared out the spare room. I'm sorry my dear, I shall have to go home and get my spell book. I'd forget my wings if they were't sellotaped on.' There is another flash and she turns back into a tiny point of light, before flitting back out of the window. As she does so, something silvery clatters to the floor.

> get wand
I pick up the magic wand.

> down
I move down. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> north
I move north. From its floral carpet to its lovingly dusted knick-knacks, The Three Bears' sitting room is a chintzy abomination of taste, the sort of room that would make any sane bear want to go back and live in a cave. Two chairs are arranged around small coffee table; a large chair and a medium-sized chair. There used to be a tiny little chair but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a low-pitched hum coming from somewhere. I can only move south. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> sit on large chair
Bloody hell! This has got to be the hardest chair I've ever sat in! I've only been here two seconds and my buttocks are as numb as a pair of frozen fishcakes!

> press button
Whoa! A hole just opened up in the floor and the chair is carrying me down into the bowels of the earth! It's just like something out of a James Bond film!

Ouch! - it's stopped...

The cave has been completely devastated by the explosion! Where the door used to be there is now a gaping hole in the rock. The walls of the cave, melted by the intensive heat of my homemade atomic bomb are still glowing faintly. Of the television set there is no sign. The fridge is lying on its side, smoking slightly. I can also see an empty beer can. I can only move west.

The jolt threw me out of the chair - I guess the mechanism was designed for someone much heavier than me!

> west
I move west. This must be where Papa Bear does all his D.I.Y. It's a small but tidy workshop with a bench and an old filing cabinet in the corner. Pinned to the walls are what appear to be the blueprints for various devices. Sitting in the middle of the floor is a huge wooden crate, stencilled with the words: "DANGER: PROTOTYPE!" Sitting amidst the wreckage of the crate is a magic porridge pot. I can also see an old brass key, a tiny metal key and a blackened metal poker. I can only move east. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> wave wand at pot
There is a bright flash and the magic porridge pot disappears in a puff of smoke!

> wave wand at underwear
There is a bright flash and my underwear disappears in a puff of smoke!

Damn it! I'm completely starkers now! You've got your three points - I hope you're satisfied!

> x me
I'm about 5' 10", 19 years old and, thanks to you, completely naked except for a pair of Doc Martens. I am wearing a pendant and a wristwatch.

> east
I move east. The cave has been completely devastated by the explosion! Where the door used to be there is now a gaping hole in the rock. The walls of the cave, melted by the intensive heat of my homemade atomic bomb are still glowing faintly. Of the television set there is no sign. The fridge is lying on its side, smoking slightly. I can also see an empty beer can. I can only move west. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> sit in chair
I sit down on the chair.

> press button
The chair shoots back up through a hole carved in the roof of the cave, carrying me with it. The hole in the sitting room floor closes behind it.

> south
(Getting off the large chair first) I move south. I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> down
I move down. I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. There's a gothic archway leading out of the cellar to the west. A battered old wardrobe stands close to the archway. The magic porridge pot is sitting in the middle of the room. I can also see a bearskin rug, a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress and my underwear. I can move west and up. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> get rug
I pick up the bearskin rug.

> say alakazam
'ALAKAZAM!' Immediately the magic porridge pot begins to fill up with extremely hot porridge. It just sort of swirls up from the bottom of the pot like an expensive special effect. Within seconds the pot is full and the porridge begins to run down the sides...

> up
I scramble up the rickety steps just in time - a moment later the lower part of the staircase is smashed to splinters by a wave of bubbling porridge. I look back to see the cellar completely submerged in boiling oatmeal.

I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor. I can also see a leaflet, a pair of very thick spectacles, an odd sock, a matchbox, a TV remote control, a pair of secateurs, an antimacassar and a pair of gardening gloves. I can move north, west, up, down and out. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

> cover trapdoor with rug
Okay, I placed the rug over the trapdoor, so that it looks exactly as before - except that the trapdoor is open!

> up
I move up. I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a full sized snooker table. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall. A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing. Lying in the middle of the floor with all four legs pointing heavenward is a dead coach horse. I can also see a package, a rather thin blanket, a tin of gold paint and a ratty old paintbrush. For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed. I can only move down. Prince Charming swaggers towards me from the south.

The tiny little bed is so comfortable that I fall into a deep sleep the instant my head hits the pillow. Not even the muffled cry as the Three Bears fall through the trapdoor into the cellar and drown in a mire of their own porridge can rouse me from my sleep.
At just after noon I have a strange dream. Three ghostly bears, each with a pair of wings and holding a golden harp, float up through the bedroom floorboards. Papa Bear hovers above me like a translucent bear-shaped cloud, glaring at me through baleful yellow eyes.
'Who's been sleeping in my bed?' he growls, his hot, stinky breath on my face.
'Who's been sleeping in my bed?' snarls Mama Bear nudging her husband out of the way.
'Mater, Pater,' says Baby Bear who has obviously had the benefit of a public school education, 'it's patently obvious who has been sleeping in our beds, eating our porridge and destroying our furniture, since the shameless hussy is still sprawled across my cot. But it's all academic now - we're dead! The little monster got the better of us this time! Come, parents, I hear that heaven is full of succulent young ladies such as this and that the clouds are made of porridge!' With that the Three Bears float up through the ceiling and on to paradise.

A few moments later, they're back again, wingless now and dropping like stones towards the fires of hell. The last I hear of them is the anguished cry

'No! Please! Not the poker!'

I awake at around six, having had a full night's, or rather day's sleep, fresh as a daisy and ready for another night of partying!

That's if I can ever find my way out of the enchanted forest...

...but that's another story! The important thing is, our plan worked! The Three Bears are no more and foxy young chicks are free to roam the forest and break into quaint little cottages without fear of ending up as a Bondage Barbie for a family of furry freaks! Thanks for all your help, I sure as hell couldn't have done it without you!