> l
The whole of Murder Drive is laid out before you in all its... Words fail you. It's not that it's a particularly nasty looking street or anything like that but when you know as much about the occupants of the houses as you do, it's hard to see the street for what it is and not let your opinions cloud your judgement. There's something vaguely unsettling about it all the same. It's not the sort of street you really want to be wandering along at night time dressed as a scarecrow.
Exits lie: north (to Murder Drive) and south (to the road leading home). Lisa is here.

> i
You are carrying some sweets.

> give sweets to lisa
You offer her one sweet - and she snatches the lot out of your hand and scoffs them down! She has a choking fit partway along but that doesn't stop her finishing them off and sticking her tongue out at you as she's doing it.
"Nyeaaahahahahahahah!" she cackles, spraying you with bits of sweets as she does so.
With an effort, you resist the urge to throttle her.

> n
You move north.
Close to the southern edge of Murder Drive you stand, shivering. It's not that cold here but you feel a definite need to shiver all the same. The rundown house of Barney Bloggs, the town's village idiot, lurks to the west while to the east is the likewise rundown dwelling of Mrs Thumpp, a woman whose name and hobby are one and the same. What she does for a living you don't know but she sure has a ready supply of thumps for anyone who gets on her nerves.
Exits lie: north and south (to Murder Drive), east (to Mrs Thumpps' house) and west (to Barney Bloggs' house). Lisa follows you from the south.

> n
You move north.
Murder Drive curves here, one branch heading south to where your house is located (opposite the road from the lunatic asylum) and the other branch heading northeast. You've always tried to avoid venturing along here after the hours of darkness because you suspected it might be really, really spooky. You were right as well.
At the curve in the road is an overflowing dumpster that looks like it hasn't been emptied in years while on the other side of the road is an abandoned building.
Exits lie: northwest (to the abandoned building), northeast (further along Murder Drive) and south (to Murder Drive [1]). Lisa follows you from the south.

> climb dumpster
You've never been a good climber and the sides of the dumpster are pretty sheer. There's no way you're going to be able to climb up them and see what's inside.
"You wan' me ter cwimb the ickle dumpster?" asks Lisa.
You're so shocked by this unexpected offer of help from Lisa that you stand there, awestruck. Lisa mutters something about "...uselessbwuddymen..." and scales the dumpster like a monkey. When she reaches the top she gives a cry of "woo-hoo! I founds a corpsie!"
You grimace. "Get down from there, Lisa!"
"No way! Me gonna bash im! Ah-ha! A gweat big stick!"
There comes the sound of thuds from above and the dumpster shakes from side to side.
"Lisa! Stop that at once!" you order. "Get down here before I tell Mother you've been beating up corpses!"
Your sister complains but in the end the dumpster stops rocking and the thudding sounds die down. Lisa comes scrambling down the side of the dumpster and tosses a rope at your feet.
"I founded dat in dere," she says. "Dere wuz loads o' junk 'n' stuff an' I felt like an ickle reminder fingie."

> get rope
You take the rope.

> s
You move south.
Close to the southern edge of Murder Drive you stand, shivering. It's not that cold here but you feel a definite need to shiver all the same. The rundown house of Barney Bloggs, the town's village idiot, lurks to the west while to the east is the likewise rundown dwelling of Mrs Thumpp, a woman whose name and hobby are one and the same. What she does for a living you don't know but she sure has a ready supply of thumps for anyone who gets on her nerves.
Exits lie: north and south (to Murder Drive), east (to Mrs Thumpps' house) and west (to Barney Bloggs' house). Lisa follows you from the north.

> e
You move east.
You're standing outside the seriously dilapidated house or Mrs Thumpp. Peering through the curtained windows, you spy blanket-covered furniture and shadows galore. Mrs Thumpp clearly doesn't go in for housekeeping much. Her front garden isn't anything to write home about either and the less said about the rubble-strewn path leading to her door the better. At any moment you expect to have to dive to one side to avoid falling pieces of roof but, so far, this hasn't been necessary.
Exits lie: west (to Murder Drive [1]) and southeast (into Mrs Thumpp's house). Lisa follows you from the west.

> x metal rods
The rods are about two inches high and have a hole through the centre. You can't imagine what they can be used for unless they're just some sort of weird garden decoration and aren't supposed to do anything. Mother has rows of bricks in the front garden of your house which just sit there and don't do a lot of good so you imagine anything is possible.

> tie rope to metal rods
Acting on a hunch, you tie the rope to the metal rods and stretch it across the path. It looks pretty lethal.
"You is evil!" Lisa gasps. "Wicked! Someun's gonna trip on it 'n' snap der neck in 'alf!"

> ring bell
You hesitantly reach out and lightly touch the doorbell - and the sound of a dog laughing hysterically rips out across the neighbourhood!
"Wicked!" cries Lisa, clapping her hands together. "Ah always wan'ed a lil doggie woggie but mom sed it might eat der goldifishies!"
A moment later you hear someone moving around inside the house and then the front door flies open. Silhouetted in the doorway is Mrs Thumpp, her fists raised to give you a severe pummelling.
"Er... trick or treat," you mumble, kind of wishing you hadn't done this.
Mrs Thumpp takes a step towards you - and you take a step back. You try to tell yourself that she's just one little old lady and you've nothing to fear from her. But then you take one look at the size of her fists, and feel very afraid.
"Smack 'er one, bruv!" Lisa says, clutching your arm. "G'wan, gi' the ol' bat a smack inna teef!"
You start to tell her to be quiet, but before you can even open your mouth Mrs Thumpp comes charging out of her house, fists raised - and then abruptly trips over the rope you had tied between the metal rods and goes down like a toppled tree. The thud she makes when she hits the ground is quite earth-shaking.
It also knocks her unconscious.
"Way-hey!" cries Lisa, doing a little dance. "We killed de old witch!"
"I think she's still alive," you say, noticing the rasping breaths coming from out of Mrs Thumpp's angry scar of a mouth.
"Way-hey! Kill 'er!"
"We can't kill a helpless old woman!"
"Sure we can! Gerra spade 'n' bash 'er 'ead in wiv it!"
You manage to shush her and notice that Mrs Thumpp didn't shut her front door after emerging from it. The way into her house lies open to you.

> get rope
You retrieve the rope from the metal rods.

> se
You move southeast.
If you didn't know better, you'd swear no one had lived in this house for years. The words "what", "a", "complete" and "dump" just don't do it justice in describing the state of things. A sagging table occupies the centre of his one room "house" (for want of a better word); surrounded by a burnt sofa, a broken chair and a stool with no seat it is an eyesore of unbelievable proportions. A cabinet which looks like someone with a big hammer and a bigger temper has had a go at it hangs on one wall. The floor below it is covered with cigarette butts and torn apart newspaper. In all honesty, you've never seen a bigger mess than this. And you've seen some messes in your time. (After all, you've got Lisa as a sister).
Exits lie: northwest (to outside the "house"). Lisa follows you from the north-west.

> push sofa
You give it a shove - and find a bullet proof vest lying in a shallow depression beneath it. You wonder why Mrs Thumpp hid this here and what she needed with a bullet proof vest. You take it with you all the same. Something tells you that you might well find a use for this before the night is over.

> x cabinet
You've got a cabinet at home that you thought was the tattiest cabinet in the world. It's battered, dented, dinted and not even the right shape for a cabinet owing to the fact that it hangs on the wall of Lisa's room and gets a regular beating every day whether it wants one or not. You often awaken to the cry of "take dat, yer evil so 'n' so!" followed by hearty thwacks from Lisa's hockey stick as she takes out a bit of her aggro on the unoffending cabinet.
But even that cabinet is in mint condition compared to this cabinet. This one is... well, indescribable. The cabinet door is also locked tight so if there's anything interesting inside you can't see what it might be.

> tie rope to handle
Showing just why you're considered such a bright spark at school, you tie the rope around the handle of the cabinet.
"Wicked!" cries Lisa, giving you a high five. "Wot you gonna do next?"

> pull rope
You yank on the rope as hard as you can - and the cabinet door comes undone! It doesn't actually fly from the cabinet and go careening across the room but it hangs ajar letting you see what's inside.
"Dere's someone's 'ead in 'ere!" cries Lisa, the first to peer into the cabinet.
You push her aside and look yourself. And find... no sign of a head but, instead, a treat. You quickly grab it and shove it deep down in your pocket where no one will be able to find it and take it from you.
"I still woulda liked ter see someone's 'ead in dere!" complains Lisa.
You shush her and gather up the rope which came loose during the dismantling of the cabinet door.

> wear vest
You put on the bullet proof vest.

> nw
You move northwest.
You're standing outside the seriously dilapidated house or Mrs Thumpp. Peering through the curtained windows, you spy blanket-covered furniture and shadows galore. Mrs Thumpp clearly doesn't go in for housekeeping much. Her front garden isn't anything to write home about either and the less said about the rubble-strewn path leading to her door the better. At any moment you expect to have to dive to one side to avoid falling pieces of roof but, so far, this hasn't been necessary. Lying on the path is the unconscious form of Mrs Thumpp, felled by your underhanded rope trick.
Exits lie: west (to Murder Drive [1]) and southeast (into Mrs Thumpp's house). Lisa follows you from the south-east.

> w
You move west.
Close to the southern edge of Murder Drive you stand, shivering. It's not that cold here but you feel a definite need to shiver all the same. The rundown house of Barney Bloggs, the town's village idiot, lurks to the west while to the east is the likewise rundown dwelling of Mrs Thumpp, a woman whose name and hobby are one and the same. What she does for a living you don't know but she sure has a ready supply of thumps for anyone who gets on her nerves.
Exits lie: north and south (to Murder Drive), east (to Mrs Thumpps' house) and west (to Barney Bloggs' house). Lisa follows you from the east.

> n
You move north.
Murder Drive curves here, one branch heading south to where your house is located (opposite the road from the lunatic asylum) and the other branch heading northeast. You've always tried to avoid venturing along here after the hours of darkness because you suspected it might be really, really spooky. You were right as well.
At the curve in the road is an overflowing dumpster that looks like it hasn't been emptied in years while on the other side of the road is an abandoned building.
Exits lie: northwest (to the abandoned building), northeast (further along Murder Drive) and south (to Murder Drive [1]). Lisa follows you from the south.

> ne
You move northeast.
Silhouetted against the northwestern horizon is the terrifying abode of Professor Squick. Rumours abound that he's either a vampire or just someone with a real liking for long capes, pale skin and neck measurements. Murder Drive winds away past his house and you'll be pleased to get out of here.
Exits lie: southwest (to murder Drive [2]), northwest (to outside Professor Squick's house) and northeast (to murder Drive [4]). Balfour is crouched at the side of the road looking... strange. Lisa follows you from the south-west.

> ne
You move northeast.
The road curves around here and the sky overhead begins to get very, very dark (although you're sure this is just pure coincidence). On one side of the road lurks the house of Elsa Trivett, a woman with a mad fixation on guns. On the other side is where Mad Old Gubbins lives while to the northwest is the house of Colonel Haggard, a demented former army man. You've heard evil things about all three.
Exits lie: southwest to murder Drive [3], north to Elsa Trivett's house, northwest (to outside Colonel Haggard's house) and southeast (to Mad Old Gubbins' house). Lisa follows you from the south-west.

> n
You move north.

Gaudy architecture seems a big thing in the house of Elsa Trivett, Murder Drive's answer to Calamity Jane and Annie Oakley all rolled into one. Hideous chairs that look like petrified animals more than items of furniture lurk about the room. Several rifles are nailed to the walls, their triggers looking surprisingly worn. A TV covered with more bullet holes than you could shake a stick at sits - or, rather, is thrown - in one untidy corner. A flight of steps lead up the second floor of Elsa's house though from the spent cartridges and boxes of ammo littering each step, climbing them won't be a walk in the party.
Exits lie: up (to the second room of Elsa's house) and south (to Murder Drive [4])

Elsa Trivette is here, a shotgun in one hand, a rifle in the other and a demented grin spread across her face.

"Hi there, kids!" cries Elsa, her itchy trigger finger clenching and unclenching on the trigger of her two guns. "Come for a little shooting?"
"Yer don't scares us, yer ol' witch!" cries Lisa. "Gi' us yer worse shot!"
"I might do at that," says Elsa.
She swings the shotgun around until it's pointing directly at - you!
"Say your prayers!" whispers the mad gun-mistress - and opens fire!
The bullet slams into you, throwing you across the room. From that range it kills you outright.
"You want some as well, little girl?" asks Elsa, swivelling to face Lisa.
"Uh-oh," says Lisa with a shake of her head. "Me jus' a lil girl. No need ter be nasty ter me."
Elsa looks about to argue with this and shoot Lisa anyway but some last vestige of decency seems to come to the fore and instead she lowers the rifle.
"Hell with it," she mutters. "I've got better things to do than hang around this deadbeat house with a corpse and his sister. I'm outta here!"
She fires the rifle into the ceiling - dislodging several tiles which fall to the floor with a crash - then goes running out of the house. The sound of her taking shots at the scenery can be heard for several minutes afterwards.
Lisa waits a few seconds then comes over to your corpse, looks down at it curiously, then opens her mouth to spit on you.
"Don't you dare!" you snap.
Lisa frowns. "I fought you wuz ded!" she complains, sounding a bit more disappointed than you would have liked.
You stagger to your feet, swaying from side to side. The bullet proof vest now has a massive dent in the front of it and your skin is a little tender beneath. Still, you suppose it's better than getting a bullet in your chest.
"You ain't ded den?" mutters Lisa.
"No, I made it. Thanks for your concern."
"Only mom sed I could 'ave yer room if yer died an' now you ain't-"
"Like I said, thanks for your concern."
Some days you wonder if your parents were playing a practical joke on you when they had Lisa.

> u
You move up.
From the Dirty Harry poster dominating one bullet-riddled wall to the collection of spent cartridges lying on a shelf, it is clear you are in the bedroom of none other than Elsa Trivett, the most gun crazy person you know. Peering around her dimly lit sleeping quarters (dimly lit because of her tendency to take pot shots at the light bulbs), you spy a bed, dresser and bedside cabinet. And a LOT of bullet holes. The very atmosphere smells of gunfire and gunpowder and breathing deeply probably isn't considered a good way to extend your life span.
Exits lie: down (to the main room of Elsa's house). Lisa follows you from below.

> smash dresser
You aim a death dealing punch at the dresser - and then hop around the bedroom yelling and howling in pain and wondering if your fist is broken. It isn't. But you're pretty sure it came close there. You'd better not try that again any time soon.
"Aahahahahaha!" laughs Lisa. "You's weak as pee! Can't even bash open a lil dwesser!"
"Why don't you break it open then?" you hiss, clutching your poorly hand.
"'Kay." Lisa looks hard at the dresser, takes a few deep breaths, mutters something quietly that sounds like "Way-hey fer der Teletubbies!" and flies across the room at the dresser. At the last moment she brings her head smashing down on it with enough force to make the room shake! With a crunching sound, the dresser comes swinging open!
"Nyeahahaaha!" sneers Lisa, staggering a bit from the blow she's just received to the head. "You sucks at bashin', bruv!"
You shush her and have a look inside the dresser. It contains... surprisingly, no bullets or guns or anything along those lines but just Elsa's logbook, a treat and a key. You take them all, stuffing the treat deep down in your pocket where it can't fall out or be taken from you.
"No fair!" Lisa complains. "Yer get ev'ryfin' an' I get nuffin' an' it were me wot bashed der dwesser open!"

> d
You move down.
Gaudy architecture seems a big thing in the house of Elsa Trivett, Murder Drive's answer to Calamity Jane and Annie Oakley all rolled into one. Hideous chairs that look like petrified animals more than items of furniture lurk about the room. Several rifles are nailed to the walls, their triggers looking in good need of a pulling. A TV covered with more bullet holes than you could shake a stick at sits - or, rather, is thrown - in one untidy corner. A flight of steps lead up the second floor of Elsa's house though from the spent cartridges and boxes of ammo littering each step, climbing them won't be a walk in the park.
Exits lie: up (to the second room of Elsa's house) and south (to Murder Drive [4]). Lisa follows you from above.

> s
You move south.
The road curves around here and the sky overhead begins to get very, very dark (although you're sure this is just pure coincidence). On one side of the road lurks the house of Elsa Trivett, a woman with a mad fixation on guns. On the other side is where Mad Old Gubbins lives while to the northwest is the house of Colonel Haggard, a demented former army man. You've heard evil things about all three.
Exits lie: southwest to murder Drive [3], north to Elsa Trivett's house, northwest (to outside Colonel Haggard's house) and southeast (to Mad Old Gubbins' house). Lisa follows you from the north.

> sw
You move southwest.
Silhouetted against the northwestern horizon is the terrifying abode of Professor Squick. Rumours abound that he's either a vampire or just someone with a real liking for long capes, pale skin and neck measurements. Murder Drive winds away past his house and you'll be pleased to get out of here.
Exits lie: southwest (to murder Drive [2]), northwest (to outside Professor Squick's house) and northeast (to murder Drive [4]). Balfour is crouched at the side of the road looking... strange. Lisa follows you from the north-east.

> sw
You move southwest.
Murder Drive curves here, one branch heading south to where your house is located (opposite the road from the lunatic asylum) and the other branch heading northeast. You've always tried to avoid venturing along here after the hours of darkness because you suspected it might be really, really spooky. You were right as well.
At the curve in the road is an overflowing dumpster that looks like it hasn't been emptied in years while on the other side of the road is an abandoned building.
Exits lie: northwest (to the abandoned building), northeast (further along Murder Drive) and south (to Murder Drive [1]). Lisa follows you from the north-east.

> nw
You move northwest.
Water runs in a trickle down the walls of this house which doesn't look like anyone has been living in for a long, long time (or if they have then they won't be winning any awards from the Tidy & Elegant Homes Commission). Across the broken floor, which is littered with piles of garbage and bits of broken ceiling, run rats as large as footballs; the stench they give off is the sort of thing that should have a whole page in the dictionary to itself. Resting in one corner is a safe which looks strangely out of place in these surroundings due to its sparkly newness. In another corner are a pile of shattered wooden beams that seem to have an 'arranged' look to them.
Exits lie: southeast (to Murder Drive [2]). Lisa follows you from the south-east.

> open safe
Using the key you swiped from Elsa Trivett's house, you unlock the safe. Inside you find-
"Urgghhhh! Someone's 'ead!" wails Lisa, clapping her hands over her eyes in shock.
You peer in the safe and see a small tube of... zombie glue? At least, that's what it says on the side of the tube although you've never heard of such a thing before.
"Is it someone's 'ead?" asks Lisa, looking over your shoulder. "An' issit all bloody 'n' battered 'n' such?"
"No, it's a tube of zombie glue," you say.
Her eyes go wide. "Wicked! We gonna make us a zombee wiv it?"
You tell her to be quiet and check the safe again to see if there's anything else in there you missed the first time.
There is. You also come across a journal.
"Is dat someone's 'ead?" Lisa asks, then adds, sounding disappointed, "it don't look much like someone's 'ead!"

> read journal
"Success! I have discovered the secret of life after death! All it requires is..."

There are several smudges here and holes in the paper.
You flip the page and read on.

"...and furthermore, I have reason to believe that my old allies-turned-traitors are closing in on me. Yes, the Band of the Black Hand have been sighted and are no doubt responsible for the rash of killings and skinnings this town has suffered recently. I fear it may not be safe to remain here for much longer.
"Decided to stay after all. The Band must not know of my whereabouts else I'd be dead already. And I fear confident of fighting off their assaults should they discover me. However, there still remains the problem of them damaging my work if they should happen upon my house and this is something I cannot risk occurring. Hence I store here, in my safe, some zombie glue. This contains everything required to bring the dead back to life (or a form of life anyway. They are pretty much mindless cretins but I am sure that, with enough time and effort, I can correct what is wrong and restore them to perfect life once more. In the meantime, however...)
"All that remains now is to store my safe in a secure location from which there is no possibility of it being stolen and my formula is perfectly safe."
Or so whoever wrote the journal thought.

> move beams
"Me'll 'elp you!" cries Lisa. "Me really really strong 'cos me gonna be a boxer one day! Yee-haw!"
She executes a few boxing "kicks" and "cartwheels" before you manage to convince her to stop and just help you with moving the beams.
Between the two of you, you struggle and grunt and groan and gasp - and, in Lisa's case, hum the theme tune to Bob the Builder - as you move the beams. It takes some time but, finally, the beams are moved.
And reveal, behind them, a dead body.
"Cor!" gasps Lisa, clapping her hands to her mouth. "Is dat corpse ded?"
"I think so," you say hesitantly. "You might want to wait outside if you're feeling a bit-"
"Wicked!" cries your angelic sister. "Can we gerra stick an' belt 'im one?"
"Lisa!" you say. "He's dead!"
"Yeh. An'?"
You shake your head. Guess there's no need to worry about the effect this might have on her.

> x body
"Yeh, let's rob 'im!" coos Lisa. "See wot ee's got!"
"I'm not robbing him, Lisa," you say testily. "I'm... I'm, well..."
"Wot?"
"Just be quiet. I'm trying to see what he's got."
Ignoring her protests, you gingerly search through the pockets of the dead man and find... nothing. Whoever he was, he isn't carrying any form of ID, or maybe it was taken off him after he died. You find no money, no credit cards, not even a key. In fact, all you do find is a crash helmet that was lying at the side of him. You wonder why it was left behind while everything else he had was taken, although when Lisa lifts the helmet up (to "gi' it der once over!") you notice a massive crack down one side. Mystery solved.
"I think I'd better take that," you say, holding your hand out for the helmet.
Lisa looks about to protest then sticks her tongue out at you and drops the helmet with a thud on the floor.
"Wuz really 'eavy anyway," she says.
You bend down and snatch up the helmet.

> wear helmet
You pop the helmet on.
"Crikey!" says Lisa. "Yer don'ts 'alf look like a piggy wiv dat on!"

> se
You move southeast.
Murder Drive curves here, one branch heading south to where your house is located (opposite the road from the lunatic asylum) and the other branch heading northeast. You've always tried to avoid venturing along here after the hours of darkness because you suspected it might be really, really spooky. You were right as well.
At the curve in the road is an overflowing dumpster that looks like it hasn't been emptied in years while on the other side of the road is an abandoned building.
Exits lie: northwest (to the abandoned building), northeast (further along Murder Drive) and south (to Murder Drive [1]). Lisa follows you from the north-west.

> ne
You move northeast.
Silhouetted against the northwestern horizon is the terrifying abode of Professor Squick. Rumours abound that he's either a vampire or just someone with a real liking for long capes, pale skin and neck measurements. Murder Drive winds away past his house and you'll be pleased to get out of here.
Exits lie: southwest (to murder Drive [2]), northwest (to outside Professor Squick's house) and northeast (to murder Drive [4]). Balfour is crouched at the side of the road looking... strange. Lisa follows you from the south-west.

> nw
You move northwest.

You once saw a film about a man who lived in a hotel and dressed up in women's clothing and went round killing people (you think it was on while you were waiting for Friends) and the house in that film looked very similar to this house. The house of Professor Squick is large, imposing and doesn't look at all friendly. Lightning crackles around the many TV aerials protruding from the roof. The front façade of the house is dotted with a dozen or so windows, each of them opening into rooms that are dark and creepy. The main door lies just before you and the knocker resting on it is shaped into a screaming face.
Exits lie: northwest (into Professor Squick's house) and southeast (to Murder Drive [3]). "Wicked!" gasps Lisa, clapping her hands to her face in mock horror. "I 'ear da guy who lives 'ere is a right evil scumbo an' he kidnaps people an' experiments on 'em and turns 'em inna zombees 'n' such!"
"He needs to be locked up," you say.
"He's me 'ero!" cries your angelic sister. "Ooh, can I 'ave his aut'graph, bruv?"

> use knocker
The knocker makes a hideously loud !!!GONG!!! sound as you lightly tap it on the door - and then, a second later, the door opens. Out steps a vampire!
"Ahahahahahahahahah!" wails Lisa. "'Elp me, bruv, he's gonna drink me blood!"
"Greetings, children," says Professor Squick, rubbing his hands together in an eerie approximation of a mad scientist. "You have come... trick or treating I believe the term is?"
"Ahahahahahahaah!"
"Er, that's right," you say hesitantly.
"Excellent. I have a... proposition for you. One you may find to your estimable advantage. What say you?"
"Ahahahahahahaah!"
"What do you want?" you ask.
"I recently had a break-in at my... dwelling. A neighbour of mine stole some... er, item from me. An item, yes. She stole this item and she took it away from me. Retrieve this item for me and you shall have the treat that you desire. What say you?"
"Ahahahahahahaah!"
"What did she steal?"
"She stole..." Professor Squick hesitates, glances around to see if anyone might be listening, then shrugs and says quietly, "a small vial of... glue."
"Ahahahahahahaah!"
"Glue?"
"Glue. It has, er, special properties and is quite irreplaceable. Retrieve it for me and I shall be most grateful. Do we have a deal?"
"Ahahahahaha- is dere gonna be any ice cweam?" asks Lisa, breaking off her wailing midway through to ask the only question to her that needs asking.
"Undoubtedly." Professor Squick gives you a smile which doesn't look very convincing - you suspect he's not had much experience at smiling and is finding the idea a strange one - and murmurs, "excellent" before retreating into his house.
A few seconds pass before Lisa says, "'ee seemed like a nice ol' git."

> use knocker
The knocker rings out over the neighbourhood with a loud !!!GONG!!! sound which quite sets your teeth on edge. As before, the door swings open and there stands Professor Squick.
"Greetings, children," he murmurs, rubbing his hands together. "Do you have what we discussed?"
Before you can say anything, Lisa says, "gi' us da sweeties 'fore yous gets the glue, yer ol' git!"
You try to shush Lisa, fearing that Squick might well pounce on her and suck her blood but the vam- er, Professor seems quite amused by her. "Ah, what a dear child. So full of... life. Enter, children. The... sweets lie within."
Squick backs away, leading you into his house.
"Wa-hey! Sweeties!" cries Lisa, and goes charging into the house before you can stop her.
With a sigh, you rush after her.

A stainless steel table dominates the centre of this room on which is lying a dead body that looks like it's had one too many run-ins with a big guy with a hammer and a lot of suppressed rage. A bank of strange looking machines are pushed against the far wall where you also see several jars in which look to be stored preserved body parts. All of this is quite gruesome and unsettling but nothing you haven't seen before on kids TV. A passage opposite the bank of machines leads further into the Professor's macabre dwelling.
Exits lie: west (to the passage). Professor Squick is here.



"Now, the zombie glue," says Squick, extending one slim, pale hand. "Hand it over."
"Gi' us de sweeties first, yer ol' git!" shouts Lisa. "Or I'm eatin' der glue!"
Squick starts to say something along the lines of "don't be silly! If you eat that glue, you'll die! I dare you to eat the glue!" but clearly something in Lisa's eyes - the total madness of a six year old girl perhaps - convinces him that daring her to do anything would be a very, very bad idea indeed.
"Very well," says Squick. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out some chocolates. "Will these do? Now, I suggest that we do the hand over in the manner of a casual extending of the hand carrying the items to be exchanged, followed by a few brief-"
"Gorrem!" cries Lisa who has already snatched the chocolates out of Squick's hand and proceeds to eat them noisily.
"Ah, yes." Squick frowns, looks peeved for a moment, then extends his hand once more. "The glue, if you please."
"Gi' 'im the glue, bruv," says Lisa as she scoffs the chocolates. She makes quite a mess of them although you doubt the chocolates have yet been born that Lisa could eat without making a mess. "We gots what's we wan'ed!"
You hand over the zombie glue.
"Excellent," remarks Squick, turning away from you. "You may go now."
It seems the meeting is over.

> x machines
There are more knobs, buttons, dials, levers and switches than you have ever seen before in one place. You're sure they all do something but you'd hate to be the one who has to make them do something.

> x knobs
They look like the sort of knobs that are just crying out for someone to push them.

> push button
You press a button at random. A dry, rancid smell spreads across the lab.
"Cor!" gasps Lisa. "Some filthy git's let rip!"
Squick gives you a hard look. "Please don't press that again. The technology is not quite... perfected."

> x button
There are too many to count but as they're all identical you have a feeling they might all do the exact same thing. The only way to find out, of course, is to 'press' them and see.

> push button
Squick reaches out and grabs your hand. "I asked you to leave the buttons along. Kindly do so or leave here and do not return."

> x dials
The dials are covered in strange runes that don't make a whole lot of sense to you. Guess the only way you'll be able to find out what they do is to turn them and see.

> turn dials
You turn one of the dials a fraction of an inch to the right.
Absolutely nothing happens.
"Curses," says Squick. "I was sure that would kill you outright. Maybe I wired it up wrong."
"Why'd you let me touch it if you thought it would kill me?" you ask with alarm.
"Volunteers for my experiments are so hard to acquire, particularly after the last few blew up. So when you reached out your hand, well... I thought it was a dream come true. I was hardly going to tell you for a reason as trivial as keeping you alive and breathing."

> x levers
Eighteen levers in total, all looking exactly the same and all unlabelled. You wonder how on earth Squick ever manages to keep track of everything. Or maybe mad scientists just have photographic memories where their machines are concerned. From the look of the levers, all you need to do to get them to work is either to push or pull them.

> push lever
With a groan of effort (the lever is more than a little stiff), you push one of the levers. Unfortunately, aside from getting some dirt on your hands nothing much seems to happen.

> pull lever
You grab hold of a lever and give it a pull. From somewhere overhead you hear a crackling sound.
"I wonder what that was," Squick says, mirroring the question you were thinking a moment before.

> x switches
There are less switches than knobs, buttons, dials and levers but as none of them are marked or labelled it's impossible to know what they do. Maybe you'll just have to try flipping a few of them and hope for the best.

> flip switch
The moment you flip a switch absolutely nothing happens. Pity. You were really expecting something interesting to happen there.

> x zombie
It doesn't look well. Then again, it is dead so you guess that sort of thing goes without saying. It's a bit too grisly for your tender years for a gory description but suffice to say that it looks a bit of a mess.

> x jars
"My... collection," says Squick. "Would you care to... make a contribution?"
You wisely refrain from answering. However, behind one of the jars you do come across a treat which you quickly swipe and shove deep down in your pocket. Squick doesn't notice.

> talk to squick
"What is it this time?" he'd asks. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

1: "Actually, it just looks like you're standing there with nothing better to do with your time."
2: "Sorry for bothering you. Guess I'll be on my way."
3: "Are you really a vampire?"
4: "What is it you do here?"
5: "Do you need a hand with anything?"

> 5
"My experiments are reaching a crucial stage," says Squick, and gives a mad scientist cackle as he rubs his skeletal hands together. "I seek to restore the dead to life, to give them a second chance, to turn back the evil tide of death that is sweeping across this dismal little planet. And, in the bargain, to make myself filthy stinking rich. But I need to experiment on a live person to achieve this."
"A - gulp! - live person?" you say.
"Indeed. Someone, in fact, just like you."

1: "Sorry. Not interested."
2: "It'd be an honour. What needs doing?"
3: "Let me ask you something else."

> 2
"Excellent! It requires a simple injection of my zombie serum and then... well, we shall see." Squick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a syringe. "Speak to me again when you are ready, child, and we shall pull off the greatest scientific experiment in the history of man."

> talk to squick
"Let the experiment begin," says Squick with a mad laugh that would have done a Hammer Horror film star justice. He lifts his syringe - which, you notice with a thrill of horror, is fully six inches long. "Now, you know how when your family doctor is about to give you an injection and he tells you it won't hurt and then he sticks the needle in you and, indeed, it does hurt?"
"'Ee's gonna kill yer, bruv!" says Lisa, sounding quite a bit more excited at the prospect than you feel altogether comfortable with.
"Er - gulp! - yes."
"Well, this..." The syringe looms closer. "This will hurt!"
And he jabs the syringe into your arm with a triumphant cry!
And nothing happens.
You wait for a minute and still nothing happens.
"Curses!" says Squick. "You're still alive!"
"Of course I'm still alive," you say. "Why wouldn't I-" The penny drops. "Hang on! You thought that was going to kill me!"
Squick has the decency to wince. "Oh no, not as such. I thought there was a slight possibility it would kill you."
"How slight?"
"Oh, about 99.34% or thereabouts. But anyway," he adds as you start to complain, "it seems not to have worked. You're still alive. Damn. I must have messed up the dose somehow. I wonder if you'd mind waiting there while I mix another... No, I see not. At least, I'm assuming that those two raised fingers of yours signify that you aren't interested."
"That's putting it mildly."
"Still, not to worry. Tell you what, have this and keep quiet about this to your parents, okay?"
He hands you an action man figure.
"This is my reward?" you say, looking at the action man figure. He's missing a leg and an arm. Oh, and another leg. And another arm. And the less said about his head the better.
"Yes. It's what is termed a 'bribe'. Take it and keep quiet."
"Worrabout my bwibe?" Lisa says. "I wan' a great big choccy bar wiv lots 'n' lots o' dec-rations on top o' it!"
"Sorry. I'm right out of those," says Squick, who clearly hasn't had a lot to do with children since the mid-70's.
He ignores your protests and ushers you to the door. You're still protesting when the door slams shut with a resounding thud behind you.

You once saw a film about a man who lived in a hotel and dressed up in women's clothing and went round killing people (you think it was on while you were waiting for Friends) and the house in that film looked very similar to this house. The house of Professor Squick is large, imposing and doesn't look at all friendly. Lightning crackles around the many TV aerials protruding from the roof. The front façade of the house is dotted with a dozen or so windows, each of them opening into rooms that are dark and creepy. The main door lies just before you and the knocker resting on it is shaped into a screaming face.
Exits lie: northwest (into Professor Squick's house) and southeast (to Murder Drive [3]).

"Sonofabee-ach!" Lisa hisses. She pounds on the door for a bit before having a sulk and trying to eat the door handle. "Lousy ol' git! Didna even gi' me a darn reward! Wahahahahahaha!" Lisa follows you.

> se
You move southeast.
Silhouetted against the northwestern horizon is the terrifying abode of Professor Squick. Rumours abound that he's either a vampire or just someone with a real liking for long capes, pale skin and neck measurements. Murder Drive winds away past his house and you'll be pleased to get out of here.
Exits lie: southwest (to murder Drive [2]), northwest (to outside Professor Squick's house) and northeast (to murder Drive [4]). Balfour is crouched at the side of the road looking... strange. Lisa follows you from the north-west.

> ne
You move northeast.
The road curves around here and the sky overhead begins to get very, very dark (although you're sure this is just pure coincidence). On one side of the road lurks the house of Elsa Trivett, a woman with a mad fixation on guns. On the other side is where Mad Old Gubbins lives while to the northwest is the house of Colonel Haggard, a demented former army man. You've heard evil things about all three.
Exits lie: southwest to murder Drive [3], north to Elsa Trivett's house, northwest (to outside Colonel Haggard's house) and southeast (to Mad Old Gubbins' house). Lisa follows you from the south-west.

> nw
You move northwest.
You're on the front porch of Colonel Haggard's house. Remnants from his days in the army litter the garden and the house itself looks like something that has seen one too many wars. The walls are scarred with bullet holes and larger craters that look like cannon fire or maybe rocket blasts. The front door - seven feet of stainless steel which you suspect was once part of a tank - stands closed before you and looks to be the only way inside the house (the windows have been covered with steel bars).
Exits lie: north (into Colonel Haggard's house) and southeast (to Murder Drive [4]). Lisa follows you from the south-east.

> knock on door
Your knock sounds hollow on the door and echoes away eerily along the whole street. Then, slowly, the door opens.
"Wahahahahahah!" wails Lisa, clutching your arm in fright.
There in the doorway stands Colonel Haggard, wearing a full suit of body armour and carrying a bazooka.
"WHAT IN HELL DO YOU KIDS WANT?" he thunders.
You open your mouth and say:

1: "Trick or treat!"
2: "Er, hi. Insurance salesman here. You interested in buying any?"
3: "What gives with all the army stuff in your front garden?"
4: "I've got this lovely action man figure which I thought you might be interested in."

> 4
The colonel hesitates in the act of yelling at you for wasting his time and stares fixedly at the action man figure in your hand.
"MY GOD," he gasps, "IT REALLY IS THE FIRST EVER ACTION MAN! I NEVER DREAMED THIS MOMENT WOULD COME TRUE THAT I, EUSTACE PHILOMEN COLUMBINE HAGGARD, WOULD HOLD IN MY HAND THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE TRUE ACTION MAN FIGURE!"
"Yer ain't gorrit yet, pig'ead!" says Lisa. "Dunna gi' it 'im, bruv, till he 'ands o'er some sweeties 'n' choccies!"
You start to tell Lisa to shush when the colonel makes a sudden swift movement and snatches the action man figure out of your hand!
"MINE!" he cries. "MINE FOREVER MORE! AHHAHAHAHAH!" He steps aside and gestures to his house. "COME IN, MY FRIENDS. I HAVE A REWARD FOR YOU."
Whether you want the 'reward' or not seems pretty much academic as the colonel grabs both of you in one big hand and pulls you inside.

The colonel's house is surprisingly spartan and doesn't contain anywhere near as many weapons as you thought it might do. In fact, aside from the anti-tank gun resting on the sofa and the nuclear bomb (yes, it really is a nuclear bomb) on the shelf by the TV, there's precious little in here at all.
Exits lie: south (to outside the house). Colonel Haggard is here.

"Wahahahaaha!" Lisa wails. "'Elp me, bruv, he's gonna eat me! Ahahahahahahh!"
But instead of eating you, the colonel merely sets you down on the floor. Then he carries the action man figure to the far side of the room, opens a safe you never noticed before and reverently places the figure inside. With a last look at his newly acquired toy, the colonel closes the safe.
Then he turns to you. "AS A REWARD FOR DOING THAT, YOU CAN TAKE ANYTHING YOU WANT FROM HERE."
"Yer gots any choccies an' icy cweam?" asks Lisa.
The colonel considers the question then shakes his head. "ALAS NOT. BUT ANYTHING ELSE IS YOURS FOR THE TAKING."

> x tv
It's currently switched off. Actually "currently" might as well be "permanently" due to the fact that the screen is shattered and has a sword embedded in it. You guess the colonel was eager to try out another of his weapons and the TV seemed a good place to start.
On top of the TV is a noose.
"TAKE THE NOOSE IF YOU LIKE," says the colonel. "I BOUGHT IT YEARS AGO AS AN ANTI-THEFT DEVICE BUT I FIGURED THAT A GOOD RIFLE SHOT IN THE HEAD TENDS TO ACT AS A BETTER DETERRENT."
You do as he says.

> fire gun
You reach out to press the button - and then hesitate. If the gun goes off in here, won't the blast kill you outright? Maybe you'd be better off not firing it after all.

> fire gun
Your death wish in full flow, you press the button - and are almost deafened when a thunderous blast rips through the room, shatters the front window and makes a sizeable dent in the road outside.
"Way-hey!" cries Lisa. "You fink we killed someun' wiv dat, bruv?"
"I DOUBT IT," says the colonel. "BUT GOOD SHOT, CHILD. YOU SURE SHOWED THAT WINDOW WHAT FOR!"
You expected the colonel to be pretty miffed that you'd wrecked his front room but if anything he seems ecstatic.
"I HAD JUST ABOUT GIVEN UP GETTING ANY MORE USE OUT OF THAT GUN, TRUTH BE TOLD," he explains. "BUT IT SEEMS IT STILL WORKED AFTER ALL. FANCY THAT!"
"Sorry about the ceiling," you say, which has just begun to groan and crack.
"HMMM?" The colonel glances up. "AH. NOW THAT MIGHT PROVE TO BE A BIT OF A PROBLEM. MIGHT I SUGGEST YOU FETCH ME SOME WOOD AND A HAMMER AND NAILS AND I'LL PATCH IT UP."
"Er, where are we going to find some wood, a hammer and nails from?"
"OH, YOU'LL MANAGE FINE I'M SURE. CLEVER CHAP LIKE YOU. NOW, YOU'D BETTER HURRY-" The colonel moves quickly, standing on the anti-tank gun and bracing the ceiling with his shoulders. "MIGHT BE... AN... IDEA... IF YOU... HURRIED," he adds, groaning under the weight.
You take one look at Lisa and flee the house.

You're on the front porch of Colonel Haggard's house. Remnants from his days in the army litter the garden and the house itself looks like something that has seen one too many wars. The walls are scarred with bullet holes and larger craters that look like cannon fire or maybe rocket blasts. The front door - seven feet of stainless steel which you suspect was once part of a tank - stands closed before you and looks to be the only way inside the house (the windows have been covered with steel bars).
Exits lie: north (into Colonel Haggard's house) and southeast (to Murder Drive [4]).

"Hey, look at dat, bruv!" says Lisa, clutching your arm and pointing to the crater in the road. "Cor! We coulda really bus'ed someun's 'ead in if we'da hit 'em! Better look nex' time, eh?"
"Er," you say, which is about the best answer you can come up with on the spur of the moment. You hurry over to the crater and peer inside, making certain that there aren't dead people lying there. Fortunately there aren't. What you do find, however, is a treat and a spent anti-tank gun shell. The shell you leave where it is (it's too hot to touch at the moment) but the treat you put in your pocket.
"No sweedies?" asks Lisa hopefully.
"No sweeties," you say.

> se
You move southeast.
The road curves around here and the sky overhead begins to get very, very dark (although you're sure this is just pure coincidence). On one side of the road lurks the house of Elsa Trivett, a woman with a mad fixation on guns. On the other side is where Mad Old Gubbins lives while to the northwest is the house of Colonel Haggard, a demented former army man. You've heard evil things about all three.
Exits lie: southwest to murder Drive [3], north to Elsa Trivett's house, northwest (to outside Colonel Haggard's house) and southeast (to Mad Old Gubbins' house). Lisa follows you from the north-west.

> sw
You move southwest.
Silhouetted against the northwestern horizon is the terrifying abode of Professor Squick. Rumours abound that he's either a vampire or just someone with a real liking for long capes, pale skin and neck measurements. Murder Drive winds away past his house and you'll be pleased to get out of here.
Exits lie: southwest (to murder Drive [2]), northwest (to outside Professor Squick's house) and northeast (to murder Drive [4]). Balfour is crouched at the side of the road looking... strange. Lisa follows you from the north-east.

> talk to balfour
"You needs wots I gots," says Balfour. "You needs hammer, wood and nails you does, oh yes you does!"
"Weirdo, bruv!" wails Lisa, clinging to your arm. "Quick! Kill 'im 'fore he eats me!"
You shush her. "How do you know we need a hammer, some wood and some nails?" you ask Balfour.
"You does, I sees you does, and knows you does. And you does!"
Which is something you can't dispute.
"I see," you say. "And I don't suppose you're just going to hand them over, are you?"
Balfour gives a sneaky grin. "Yous 'ands me a treat an' me 'ands you wots you needs!"
A treat?
"Tell him yes, bruv," whispers Lisa, still clinging to you, "den bash 'is 'ead in when he's not lookin' an' swipe wot we needs!"

> give treat to balfour
Wondering if you're making a really big mistake, you hand the treat over to Balfour - who promptly scoffs it in one go!
"And now you gots wots I gots and wots you needs," he says, and drops on the ground a hammer, some wood and some nails.
"Yer greedy pig'ead!" says Lisa angrily. "I wuz gonna eats that tweat meself!" She looks at you. "Kill 'im, bruv!"
Balfour gives a chortle and goes rushing off down the street before you decide to have a change of heart and kill him anyway.

> get all
You take the wood, the hammer and the nails.

> ne
You move northeast.
The road curves around here and the sky overhead begins to get very, very dark (although you're sure this is just pure coincidence). On one side of the road lurks the house of Elsa Trivett, a woman with a mad fixation on guns. On the other side is where Mad Old Gubbins lives while to the northwest is the house of Colonel Haggard, a demented former army man. You've heard evil things about all three.
Exits lie: southwest to murder Drive [3], north to Elsa Trivett's house, northwest (to outside Colonel Haggard's house) and southeast (to Mad Old Gubbins' house). Lisa follows you from the south-west.

> nw
You move northwest.
You're on the front porch of Colonel Haggard's house. Remnants from his days in the army litter the garden and the house itself looks like something that has seen one too many wars. The walls are scarred with bullet holes and larger craters that look like cannon fire or maybe rocket blasts. The front door - seven feet of stainless steel which you suspect was once part of a tank - stands closed before you and looks to be the only way inside the house (the windows have been covered with steel bars).
Exits lie: north (into Colonel Haggard's house) and southeast (to Murder Drive [4]). Lisa follows you from the south-east.

> n
"AH, EXCELLENT!" cries the colonel as you approach the house. "JUST LEAVE THE SUPPLIES THERE AND I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE!"
You do as he says and a moment later he dashes out of the house, grabs what you've left him, and dashes back inside. There comes the sound of frantic hammering and banging and then he emerges again.
"CRISIS AVERTED," he announces to you and Lisa. "IT SEEMS MY HOUSE WILL SURVIVE ANOTHER DAY AFTER ALL."
"You gonna gi' us some sweeties fer 'elpin' yer out?" asks Lisa.
"SWEETS? NAY. I SHALL GIVE YOU SOMETHING INFINITELY PREFERABLE TO SWEETS."
"Choccies?"
The colonel pulls out of his pocket: two treats!
You eagerly take the treats and stuff them deep into your pocket where no one will ever find them.
"MANY THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR HELP," says the colonely. "AND NOW, I THANK YOU FOR MY EFFORTS AND SHALL RETREAT TO MY HOUSE. FAREWELL."
The colonel salutes you in a way you imagine he got from his days in the army before retreating back inside his house.
"I'd 'ave sooner 'ad some choccies," says Lisa wistfully.

> se
You move southeast.
The road curves around here and the sky overhead begins to get very, very dark (although you're sure this is just pure coincidence). On one side of the road lurks the house of Elsa Trivett, a woman with a mad fixation on guns. On the other side is where Mad Old Gubbins lives while to the northwest is the house of Colonel Haggard, a demented former army man. You've heard evil things about all three.
Exits lie: southwest to murder Drive [3], north to Elsa Trivett's house, northwest (to outside Colonel Haggard's house) and southeast (to Mad Old Gubbins' house). Lisa follows you from the north-west.

> se
You move southeast.
You've heard many frightening stories about Mad Old Gubbins, the most dangerous man on Murder Drive to carry a walking stick. The stories relate to how he has a liking for leaping out of alleys with his stick in hand and pounding to a bloody pulp anyone foolish enough to be there. You're standing right outside his house.
The small building looks every bit as rundown as you might have expected: the walls seem to lean at a weird angle and look on the verge of collapsing altogether. The door - which resembles a piece of driftwood and is only vaguely door-shaped - rests uneasily in the frame. And the windows... well, the less said about the windows the better. Above the door, for a reason that escapes you right now, is a pole.
Exits lie: southeast (into Mad Old Gubbins' house) and northwest (to Murder Drive [4]). Lisa follows you from the north-west.

> tie noose to pole
An idea occurring to you (you get them once a year whether you like it or not), you loop the noose around the pole.
"Wicked!" cries Lisa. "Le's 'ave us a lynchin'! Woo-hoo! Off wiv der 'eads!"

> knock on door
You raise your hand to knock on the door - and it flies open! There stands Mad Old Gubbins, the most fearsome pensioner in the world.
"Whahahahahahahahah!" he cries - you're not sure if he's especially upset at you or if this is how he usually greets people. "Kids! I love kids!"
"Gweat!" says Lisa. "Yus go' any sweeties?"
"Roasted," finishes off Gubbins and before you can say anything to that he reaches out one gnarled hand and grabs Lisa and drags her back into his house.
"Wahahahahahahah!" wails Lisa as the door slams shut. "...'elp me, bruv, de ol' git's gonna eat me..."
You pound on the door but are unable to get inside. There comes a cry of "clear off! Now, where'd I put them damn matches?"
You realise you don't have long to act before Lisa gets roasted. The only question is - what do you do?

> climb through window
The gaping holes are far too narrow for even a skinny little kid like you to climb through. However, as you try Gubbins happens to glance over and see you.
"Damn kid!" he thunders. "Breaking into me damn house just 'cos I'm about to eat your sister!"
"Wahahahahahaha!" wails Lisa.
Gubbins comes stomping over to the front door, tears it open with enough force to break it off its hinges and charges out of the house at you - not seeing the noose hanging from the pole until it's too late! With a snarl, he trips and the noose falls around his neck and then there is one horrid jerk and...
You manage to avert your eyes just so you don't end up getting emotionally disturbed.
"Wa-hey!" cries Lisa from inside the house. "Der ol' git's ded 'n' done fer! D'yer 'ear 'is neck snap, bruv? Cor! It wuz wicked!"
"Are you alright?" you ask, rushing into the house.

The only room in Gubbins' house (you're guessing he either ate the others or misplaced them one day) is nothing more than a patch of burnt earth with some coffins arrayed around the outside. The smell of rot (and maybe Gubbins' body odour as well) is present on a continual basis although even this is overwhelmed by the untidy collection of garbage assembled in the middle of the room. Windows that are nothing more than gaping holes in the wall look out over Murder Drive. In the middle of the room is the chair in which the evil old man had Lisa tied in readiness for her 'dinner'.
Exits lie: northwest (to the outside world).

"He wuz gonna eats me, bruv!" says Lisa. From the tone of her voice, you get the feeling she was quite looking forward to the whole experience. "I wuz gonna swim 'round in 'is belly an' bite 'is insidies ter bits 'n' pieces!"
You try to hush her as you untie her from the chair.
"You'd better not tell Mother about it," you say. "She might get worried."
"Gonna tell me friends," Lisa says. "Snottie's dad tried ter stab 'er once wiv a flagpole an' she tol' ever'one fer weeks 'n' weeks 'n' weeks 'bout it! An' den dere wuz Smelly - 'er bruv got kidnapped by aliens an' dey exper-men'ed on 'im an' took orf 'is 'ands! Cor! Dey're gonna be so jealous when I tells 'em dat an evil ol' man wuz gonna 'as me fer 'is brekkie!"
Telling her to keep quiet about this is probably a bad idea so instead you settle for just trying to ignore her.
"Yer fink we should chops me 'and orf ter makes it look more real, bruv?" asks Lisa. She holds up her left hand. "Right 'ere-"
And then she goes quiet as you hear someone moving around outside the house. You can't see who it might be from where you're standing but they're clearly moving around very close to Gubbins' corpse.
"...keep... very... quiet..." you say to Lisa. "... no... sudden... moves... and... we'll... be... just... fi-"
"Wahahahahahahahaha!" wails Lisa, clutching at your arm. "'Elp me, bruv! De ol' git ain't ded an' he's come ter eats me all up!"
You push her away and rush over to the door and see... well, no sign of Gubbins' corpse for starters. Whoever was prowling around out here has taken it with them.
"Gwave wobbers!" says Lisa with awe in her voice. "I'm gonne be a gwave wobber when I grows up! Dat or a terrorist! I ain'ts decided yet."

> wait
"Hey, look wot I found!" says Lisa. She has a treat in her hand.
"Where'd you get that from?" you ask, wondering how you could have missed it.
She shrugs. "Jus' found it."
It takes a bit of persuasion to get her to hand it over - you have to tidy her room for the next 1,024 years - but eventually you get the treat.

> nw
You move northwest.
You've heard many frightening stories about Mad Old Gubbins, the most dangerous man on Murder Drive to carry a walking stick. The stories relate to how he has a liking for leaping out of alleys with his stick in hand and pounding to a bloody pulp anyone foolish enough to be there. You're standing right outside his house.
The small building looks every bit as rundown as you might have expected: the walls seem to lean at a weird angle and look on the verge of collapsing altogether. The door - which resembles a piece of driftwood and is only vaguely door-shaped - rests uneasily in the frame. And the windows... well, the less said about the windows the better. Above the door, for a reason that escapes you right now, is a pole.
Exits lie: southeast (into Mad Old Gubbins' house) and northwest (to Murder Drive [4]). Lisa follows you from the south-east.

> nw
You move northwest.
The road curves around here and the sky overhead begins to get very, very dark (although you're sure this is just pure coincidence). On one side of the road lurks the house of Elsa Trivett, a woman with a mad fixation on guns. On the other side is where Mad Old Gubbins lives while to the northwest is the house of Colonel Haggard, a demented former army man. You've heard evil things about all three.
Exits lie: southwest to murder Drive [3], north to Elsa Trivett's house, northwest (to outside Colonel Haggard's house) and southeast (to Mad Old Gubbins' house). Lisa follows you from the south-east.

> sw
You move southwest.
Silhouetted against the northwestern horizon is the terrifying abode of Professor Squick. Rumours abound that he's either a vampire or just someone with a real liking for long capes, pale skin and neck measurements. Murder Drive winds away past his house and you'll be pleased to get out of here.
Exits lie: southwest (to murder Drive [2]), northwest (to outside Professor Squick's house) and northeast (to murder Drive [4]). Lisa follows you from the north-east.

> sw
You move southwest.
Murder Drive curves here, one branch heading south to where your house is located (opposite the road from the lunatic asylum) and the other branch heading northeast. You've always tried to avoid venturing along here after the hours of darkness because you suspected it might be really, really spooky. You were right as well.
At the curve in the road is an overflowing dumpster that looks like it hasn't been emptied in years while on the other side of the road is an abandoned building.
Exits lie: northwest (to the abandoned building), northeast (further along Murder Drive) and south (to Murder Drive [1]). Lisa follows you from the north-east.

> s
You move south.
Close to the southern edge of Murder Drive you stand, shivering. It's not that cold here but you feel a definite need to shiver all the same. The rundown house of Barney Bloggs, the town's village idiot, lurks to the west while to the east is the likewise rundown dwelling of Mrs Thumpp, a woman whose name and hobby are one and the same. What she does for a living you don't know but she sure has a ready supply of thumps for anyone who gets on her nerves.
Exits lie: north and south (to Murder Drive), east (to Mrs Thumpps' house) and west (to Barney Bloggs' house). Lisa follows you from the north.

> w
You move west.
Is it just your imagination or does the front of Barney Bloggs' house resemble a skull? The way the windows frame the door, the freakish placing of the tiles on the roof, the chill feeling that floods through you...
You hear strange and unsettling sounds emanating from inside the house although what any of these things are you don't like to think. You've heard more than a few rumours concerning Barney and none of them are especially nice rumours. The front door looks to be locked and more than sturdy enough to withstand any kind of pressure you might be able to bring to bear against it.
Exits lie: east (to Murder Drive [1]) and west (into Barney Bloggs' house). Lisa follows you from the east.

> w
You move west.
From the smashed TV to the wrecked entertainment centre, it's clear that housekeeping is not one of Barney's strong points. Food has been spilled on the floor (or maybe that's where he just stores it while he gets around to eating it), turning a naturally untidy location into one that a scrap yard would be ashamed of. A painting that resembles... something... hangs from one battered wall although your mind balks at trying to describe what it might be.
Lying sprawled in the middle of this untidy mess is the dead body of Barney.
Exits lie: east (to outside the house). Lisa follows you from the east.

> x body
Grimacing, you have a quick glance through his pockets - and find a treat.
"Gweat!" cries Lisa. "Corpsie-robbin'! Yous gotta luv it!"

> e
You move east.
Is it just your imagination or does the front of Barney Bloggs' house resemble a skull? The way the windows frame the door, the freakish placing of the tiles on the roof, the chill feeling that floods through you...
You hear strange and unsettling sounds emanating from inside the house although what any of these things are you don't like to think. You've heard more than a few rumours concerning Barney and none of them are especially nice rumours. The front door looks to be locked and more than sturdy enough to withstand any kind of pressure you might be able to bring to bear against it.
Exits lie: east (to Murder Drive [1]) and west (into Barney Bloggs' house). Lisa follows you from the west.

> e
You move east.
Close to the southern edge of Murder Drive you stand, shivering. It's not that cold here but you feel a definite need to shiver all the same. The rundown house of Barney Bloggs, the town's village idiot, lurks to the west while to the east is the likewise rundown dwelling of Mrs Thumpp, a woman whose name and hobby are one and the same. What she does for a living you don't know but she sure has a ready supply of thumps for anyone who gets on her nerves.
Exits lie: north and south (to Murder Drive), east (to Mrs Thumpps' house) and west (to Barney Bloggs' house). Lisa follows you from the west.

> s
You move south.
The whole of Murder Drive is laid out before you in all its... Words fail you. It's not that it's a particularly nasty looking street or anything like that but when you know as much about the occupants of the houses as you do, it's hard to see the street for what it is and not let your opinions cloud your judgement. There's something vaguely unsettling about it all the same. It's not the sort of street you really want to be wandering along at night time dressed as a scarecrow.
Exits lie: north (to Murder Drive) and south (to the road leading home). Lisa follows you from the north.

> s
"Oh, you have done well!" Mother coos, clapping her hands in delight. "Treats galore! And I bet you had a really good time!"
"We almost got killed, mom!" you protest. "This creepy guy wanted to turn us into zombies, and Lisa nearly got eaten by an evil old man and-"
"Oh, pfftt," says Mother, waving her hand as if batting away a particularly persistent insect, "you kids and the tales you tell. I hope you thanked your neighbours for all these treats."
"Well-"
"Because if you haven't you'll have to go back and say thank you to every single one of them?"
Even the dead ones? you wonder. But out loud you say, "no need to worry, mom. We thanked every one of them personally."
"Yeh! Dey sed we wuz really really really really nice kids an' we oughta get ice cweam an' choccies!" pipes in Lisa.
"Well, you did do exceptionally well so I guess ice creams and chocolates is a fair reward," says Mother. She takes your hand and that of Lisa and leads you away to the south. "After all, you'll need your strength for your secret holiday tomorrow when we fly to Disneyland."
Amid a chorus of "yay!" "great!" "fab!" and "is dere any choccies in Disneywand?" the three of you return home.

Well done! You've reached the best ending in the game! Well done! You've reached the end of the game. If you want to have another go, type "restart".