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Lights, Camera, Action! by David Whyld

(1) Play the game
(2) Read the introduction
(3) Notes on playing Lights, Camera, Action!
(4) Game information

You just knew today wasn't going to be a good day.
When Violetta de Panino Derriere arrived on set, it was obvious she wasn't going to be just 'one of the guys'. She wanted an entire dressing room for herself, and commandeered another three for her 'entourage' (which included a tea girl, a tea girl's assistant, a tea girl's assistant's apprentice… and even some chap who looked after the tea girl's assistant's apprentice's cat while she was learning the tricks of the trade). Violetta, then displaying the personality she is famed for in the entertainment industry, made several changes to the script which involved, basically, giving herself far more screen time than before and effectively making her the centerpiece of every scene. On top of that, she's dumped the bulk of the dialogue on her co-star, Myles Frobisher.

...press a key...

Only Myles has called in sick today - today of all days! - so you've had to replace him with Witherspoon Nash who's fine in many respects but just not really cut out for lead actor roles.
As if all that wasn't bad enough, your assistant seems to have been replaced by a monkey since you were last looking, Violetta has decided that you, the director of the film, are to be her personal servant for the day (apparently her 'entourage' are too busy caring for her every other need) and-
Aahaahthhgghgghghh!
Oh yes. There's a serial killer at loose.

...press a key...

> 1

Your Office
You'd like to say your office is a mess of different cultures all vying for supremacy in the cut-throat world of commercial films. But it's actually just a mess. There's a desk somewhere, probably buried under that huge pile of papers. There's a filing cabinet lurking in the corner which seems to have been battered around recently with someone with a serious dislike for filing cabinets. There's your computer-
No, someone stole that last week.
There's a door leading out to the main set to the north. Boris your assistant (now transformed into a monkey) is here.

> n
Boris dashes along after you, spraying bits of banana as he goes. You're not sure you really want him following you, at least until he has the decency to stop pretending he's a monkey, but you're probably stuck with him right now.
As you emerge from your office, you reflect it might be a good idea to head outside the studio and see who's been murdered this time.
...press a key...
Outside The Studio
This used to be a pleasant stretch of tarmac which you once had the idea of turning into a miniature golf course. Until, that is, the local serial killer decided here would be a good place to start dumping his victims.
As you emerge from the film set, you catch sight of several actors and studio members clustered around the corpse of…
"Who is it this time?" you ask Ross, the teaboy.
"Meralda the cleaner," says Ross. "Nasty one as well."
You look at her. "She looks kind of different-"
"He cut her head off."
...press a key...
"Ah." You nod. "That's it. Have the police been called?"
"Did it myself as soon as I discovered the body. Well, after I'd taken my morning stroll, of course, and fixed myself a spot of breakfast and then did my stretches. They promised to send someone out next week if they're not too snowed under then."
"Next week? To investigate a murder?"
Ross nods.
"Well," you say, "at least they're getting faster."
You clap your hands and everyone looks at you. "Okay, okay, no need to stand around staring. Nothing to see here-"
"Aside from the corpse, you mean," jokes Smiffy, a filing clerk who clearly fancies himself with a future as a stand-up comedian. You fancy him in the line at the dole office.
"Especially the corpse. We all need to show a little respect here, a little dignity put her watch back! Yes, I saw you! Put it back now or so help me God! and decorum. Go back to work, people. Go do your jobs. We've still got a film to shoot."
...press a key...
There are grumbles and groans, but eventually you manage to restore order and everyone heads back to their respective jobs. Leaving just you and Boris, and the murdered cleaner who is unlikely to be returning to work any time soon.
A bell rings!
The sound cuts right through you. Well, not so much the sound but what the ringing of the bell denotes: Violetta is calling you. Your services are required. Better make your way to her room (west of the canteen if you've forgotten).

> x cleaner
Oh, poor Meralda the cleaning lady. Many are the run-ins you have had with her over the years due to her frustrating habit of never doing an ounce of cleaning. You're not sure just what it was she used to do all day, but whatever it was, it sure didn't include anything that was likely to make the film studio an iota cleaner.
But you feel that it's kind of petty to hold a grudge against her for working here for thirty-two years without ever doing a day's work. The poor thing has been murdered. At a time like this, what's needed is a show of respect, of-
Hang on! Is that her watch?
You quickly swipe it from her wrist and examine it. Yep, her watch alright. Nice one as well. Ought to go someway towards the thirty-two years of pay you gave her that she didn't earn.

> w

Film Set
This is the first part of the film set, cunningly fashioned to look like… a film set. Yes, someone apparently decided that the opening scene of Talk-A-Lot - a film about space battles on the far edge of the galaxy - would benefit from its first set being that of a film set. So you see a camera and a stand (on which to put a camera) and several coils of rope and what looks to be a ceiling light that has fallen from the ceiling and now lies smashed on the floor.
Your office is back to the south, the canteen is off to the west, a jungle is off to the northwest and a door leading outside is to the east. Boris trots towards you from the east.

> w

Violetta's Dressing Room
An entire dressing given to a single star? It's practically unheard of in the history of the film studio, but then you seldom get stars of the magnitude of Violette de Panina Derriere. Despite only arriving two hours ago, she has already had the dressing room repainted shocking pink, had a Jacuzzi installed, thrown out the old desk and table and had an entire office suite put in their place. Oh, and she's had a skylight put in as well. At least, you're assuming that's what the huge hole in the ceiling is.
Various members of her gargantuan entourage lounge around the dressing room, chatting, smoking, drinking.
East lies the canteen. World famous film star Violetta de Panino Derriere is here.
"And about time," says Violetta, looking at you as if you're something she's just watched the cat drag in. "I require a drink or I shall not be able to read my script. Throat too dry and all that."
"And your entourage…?" you say.
"Frightfully busy with preparations and so forth," says Violetta, gesturing to her entourage who are busy doing… not a lot by the look of things. "So be a dear and fetch me something to drink, would you?"
You grit your teeth and give a little nod, not trusting yourself to speak. Boris trots towards you from the east.

> s

Your Office
You'd like to say your office is a mess of different cultures all vying for supremacy in the cut-throat world of commercial films. But it's actually just a mess. There's a desk somewhere, probably buried under that huge pile of papers. There's a filing cabinet lurking in the corner which seems to have been battered around recently with someone with a serious dislike for filing cabinets. There's your computer-
No, someone stole that last week.
There's a door leading out to the main set to the north. Boris trots towards you from the north.

> tidy office
This is hardly a job for a film director, but with Meralda the cleaner no longer in any kind of condition to do the cleaning, and with your faithful assistant Boris mysteriously transformed into a small monkey, you guess the job of cleaning the office falls to… you.
So you set to it with abandon, figuring that an hour or two of good, solid cleaning should soon put it in its place.
...press a key...
Three minutes later, you're panting with exhaustion and wishing you'd stayed in bed today. Cleaning, you decide, is just not a job for film directors. Your talents are better spent elsewhere.
Well, at least your attempt at cleaning did some good: you've now uncovered your desk.

> x desk
Your desk appears normal as far as desks go. You'd have liked a large, imposing desk made from a single oak tree exported from the wilds of Peru and hand carved by Peruvian natives sitting on prayer mats. But the film studio said this was too expensive by far, so you had Boris grab this one from the local Oxfam shop for Ł3.50. You can't help but feel you got ripped off somehow.
Perched on the edge of the desk are your scissors which you quickly take before you forget they're there.

> look under desk
You peer under the desk, expecting to see nothing more interesting than the floor and, perhaps, some more of the mess which seems to occupy every other available space in your office, yet, instead, you find a crowbar.
You pull it out from under your desk and wonder just why you had a crowbar under there.
"Do you know anything about this, Boris?" you ask your monkeyfied companion.
He shrugs and scratches his backside.
"I'll take that as a no," you say.

> n

Film Set
This is the first part of the film set, cunningly fashioned to look like… a film set. Yes, someone apparently decided that the opening scene of Talk-A-Lot - a film about space battles on the far edge of the galaxy - would benefit from its first set being that of a film set. So you see a camera and a stand (on which to put a camera) and several coils of rope and what looks to be a ceiling light that has fallen from the ceiling and now lies smashed on the floor.
Your office is back to the south, the canteen is off to the west, a jungle is off to the northwest and a door leading outside is to the east. Boris trots towards you from the south.

> se

Patch Of Grass
Four feet wide, three feet square, with a daisy growing in the middle, this patch of grass is where romantic scenes are filmed. You've always liked to think that the daisy adds a certain element of class to the proceedings, although the overpowering smell of the sewage works off to the south doesn't help matters much.
The area outside the studio is to the northwest and a tree which often doubles as an entire forest is to the west. Lying on the ground are some raggedy old gardening gloves. Boris trots towards you from the north-west.

> get gloves
You take the gardening gloves.

> wear gloves
You put on the gardening gloves.

> w

Tree
You're under the branches of a single tree which, when shot from the right angle, can actually look like an entire forest. The wonders of modern camera technology are a marvel to behold sometimes.
The area outside the studio is to the north and a patch of grass where romantic scenes are filmed lies to the east. Boris trots towards you from the east.

> x tree
It seems kind of strange that a single tree could ever accurately represent an entire forest, but it's surprising what can be done with clever camera angles. This tree, unfortunately, doesn't look at all well. Its branches are beginning to wither, its leaves are falling and…
Hang on! What's that caught in the branches? It looks like…
No, it couldn't be one of those. It must be something else.

> x something
It looks like… but surely your eyes are deceiving you because it couldn't be… but it does look like one… but even so…
Well, you don't imagine it's impossible that there's a flying saucer caught in the tree branches but it certainly seems highly unlikely.

> shake tree
You give the tree a slight shake. The flying saucer caught in the branches rocks from side to side… but doesn't fall.

> shake tree
You give the tree a more vigorous shaking, fairly putting some effort into it now. It shakes from side to side, creaks, groans, even gasps at one point (don't ask), but the flying saucer lodged in its branches stubbornly remains where it is.

> shake tree
You grab the tree and shake… and shake and SHAKE… and with a crash, the flying saucer drops to the ground. A plume of dust and smoke shoots up around it and knocks you from your feet. Boris gives a yelp of fear (or glee, it's difficult to tell with monkeys).
When the dust has cleared, you notice with more than a little worry that the flying saucer has missed landing on you by about three inches, give or take an inch or two.

> kick flying saucer
Drawing back your foot, you unleash a devastating kick to the side of the saucer. While this seems to do no actual damage to the saucer which, being made of some steel-like substance, is resistant to kicks from film directors wearing soft shoes, it does nevertheless cause a previously hidden door on the top of the saucer to spring open. Out of it pops… an alien.
"Splip!" it cries. "Mlip! Blip! Scra-lip!"
The alien is small, green, skinny and has a zip in its head. Yes, an actual zip. You're just about to peer more closely at this when the alien gives a cry of "frip!" and goes rushing off in the direction of the film studio.
Boris growls.
"I know," you say, patting his head. "It freaked me out as well."

> n

Outside The Studio
This used to be a pleasant stretch of tarmac which you once had the idea of turning into a miniature golf course. Until, that is, the local serial killer decided here would be a good place to start dumping his victims.
The corpse of Meralda the cleaner, minus her head, is here, not doing much aside from bleeding messily all over the ground.
Off to the west is the entrance to the studio, north extends the area outside the studio, southeast is a patch of grass where romantic scenes are filmed, and south is a tree which often doubles as an entire forest when you're on a tight budget. Boris trots towards you from the south.

> n

More Area Outside The Studio
When overly dramatic outdoor scenes that require cinematic lighting, wide screen shots and an amazing backdrop are called for… people tend to go elsewhere because this shoddy patch of ground just isn't up to the job. As such, though once considered as a possible film set in its own right, this area is now used exclusively for dumping of any garbage which needs dumping after the local garbage collection company cut you off. A huge pile of garbage towers before you, threatening at any moment to topple over and bury anyone foolish enough to be standing here at the time.
The area extends (garbage free) to the south while the studio car park is off to the northeast. Boris trots towards you from the south.

> push garbage
You give the garbage a push. It sways a little, but then rights itself.

> push garbage
Another push. The garbage sways to one side, seems to rock, then rights itself again.

> push garbage
A third push. The garbage sways, almost falls over, and then, right at the very last moment, rights itself. However, something that was perched precariously right on the very top chooses that moment to tumble off and fall to the ground.

> l

More Area Outside The Studio
When overly dramatic outdoor scenes that require cinematic lighting, wide screen shots and an amazing backdrop are called for… people tend to go elsewhere because this shoddy patch of ground just isn't up to the job. As such, though once considered as a possible film set in its own right, this area is now used exclusively for dumping of any garbage which needs dumping after the local garbage collection company cut you off. A huge pile of garbage towers before you, threatening at any moment to topple over and bury anyone foolish enough to be standing here at the time.
The area extends (garbage free) to the south while the studio car park is off to the northeast. A 50p coin lies on the ground. Boris your assistant (now transformed into a monkey) is here.

> get 50p coin
You take the 50p coin.

> s

Outside The Studio
This used to be a pleasant stretch of tarmac which you once had the idea of turning into a miniature golf course. Until, that is, the local serial killer decided here would be a good place to start dumping his victims.
The corpse of Meralda the cleaner, minus her head, is here, not doing much aside from bleeding messily all over the ground.
Off to the west is the entrance to the studio, north extends the area outside the studio, southeast is a patch of grass where romantic scenes are filmed, and south is a tree which often doubles as an entire forest when you're on a tight budget. Boris trots towards you from the north.

> smash vending machine with crowbar
You raise back the crowbar, take aim at the front of the vending machine - and then remember the security alarm. Apparently your predecessor, Smorgasbord Pete, lived in paranoid fear of someone breaking into the vending machine and stealing everything that was in it (two Mars Bar, a Flake and a can of flat Lemonade at the time), so as a preventative method, he wired the machine up to the mains. Anyone attempting to break the front is going to come face to face with enough electricity to fry him to within an inch of his life. Or probably even further.
Considering all that, you reflect that smashing in the front of the vending machine before somehow disabling the alarm would be a bad idea.

> look behind vending machine
Dangling down behind the vending machine is a single wire. No doubt this is attached to the alarm that will send 60,000 volts shooting into the body of whoever is callous enough to try smashing the front of the vending machine in without first disabling the alarm.

> cut wire with scissors
You aim the scissors for the jugular of the wire - assuming a wire can be said to have a jugular which is, perhaps, debatable - and with one quick snip, sever the vending machine's connection to the electricity mains.

> smash vending machine with crowbar
You raise the crowbar, take a deep breath to calm your nerves - you are, after all, a film director and not the sort of fellow who goes around smashing vending machines to bits with a crowbar on regular basis. But you put yourself in a positive mood, tell yourself it's necessary, focus on the glass panel, squeeze the crowbar, and then swing - and the crowbar bounces off!
"Aw, crap!" you mutter, and then, in a fit of sheer rage that you haven't experienced since the time the studio decided to film The Titanic minus the ship, the iceberg and the ocean, you lunge towards the vending machine and headbutt it with all your might.
The front shatters into a million and one pieces and several items that were previously lodged in the innards of the vending machine drop to the floor amidst a pile of broken glass.

> get items
You're not sure the gloves you're wearing are really ideal for sifting through pieces of broken glass, but you decide it's a risk worth taking, and plunge your hands into the glass…
...press a key...
A few seconds pass during which you don't die so you decide that this was a good move after all. You look at the items you have recovered, and note that they seem a small price to pay for the effort you had to go through to get them: some coca cola, a Kit Kat, a mouldy old French Fry and a wafer (commonly used in conjunction with eating ice cream). None of them look in very good condition and not look even vaguely the sort of things you would ever want to put in your mouth.

> give coca cola to violetta
Violetta looks at the can you are holding out to her. "Coke?" she says. "Pray tell, what is this… coke?"
"It's, er, a refreshing brand of wine from the Outer Hebrides," you say, calling on your years as a film director to smooth over the lie. "Generally consumed by those of an artistic forbearance and great, um, intellectual capacity and-"
"Oh, give it here." Violetta snatches the can from your hand, struggles with the ring pull on top for a while before hitting the can into the wall several times. By the time it has been dented enough to let some of the coke spill free, it's looking quite a bit the worse for wear. Violetta takes one sip of it. She grimaces. "Is it supposed to taste like an old sock?"
You nod. "Indeed. I hear that is what gives it its essence."
Fortunately Violetta is as lacking in intellectual capacity as she is in personality and just drinks the can of coke until there is nothing left. Literally nothing. You're not sure if she was supposed to drink the can itself, but Violetta de Panino Derriere is hardly the sort of person you point out this sort of thing to.
Afterwards, she dismisses you with a wave of her dainty hand. It seems you are free to go… for now.

> nw

Jungle
Despite possessing just one tree (fake), one bush (fake) and one broken fairground ride (real), this makes for a surprisingly effective jungle. The heat is terrifying, leading you to suspect that either the studio have finally got something right… or the air conditioning is broken again.
To the southeast is a film set which looks like a film set, while northwest lies the surface of the moon and north Hell itself. Boris trots towards you from the south-east.
You hear a strange sound - a bit like "dlip!" - from up above in the 'treetops', but whoever, or whatever is up there, moves too swiftly for you to get a good look at them.

> x tree
This isn't an actual tree of course. That would have been far too expensive. No, this one is made from cardboard and has a few cardboard branches stapled to its sides to give the impression of being a genuine jungle tree. A creeper (actually your ex-girlfriend's washing line painted green) dangles down the side of the tree.

> x creeper
From each relationship you have had, you like to think you have taken something. From Mariella, it was this washing line which you kept as a memento of your time together. Actually, you didn't so much keep it as find it being wrapped around your neck when you left her house, but as she was the one doing the wrapping of the washing line around your neck, you decided she meant for you to keep it. When you had managed to untangle it from your throat, and start breathing again, you brought it to the studio to use as a prop.
Boris makes a tugging gesture.

> tug creeper
You tug on the creeper and-
And the weird alien you saw emerging from the flying saucer comes tumbling from the treetop and lands in a heap before you.
"Brip!" he cries, scrambling around and finally getting to his feet. (One of which, you notice, is actually covered in a comfortable slipper.) "Frip! Gar-" He seems to sag. "Aw, hell with it." He tugs at the zip you noticed before on the side of his head and then opens his face. The mask he was wearing slips to one side to reveal the unmistakeable features of-
"Byron Smiggle!" you cry.
"It's Petty Morgan actually," says the fellow.
Obviously not that unmistakeable then.
"What are you doing in an alien suit, Petty?" you ask, wondering just where he has been for the last six months. You assumed he had been either kidnapped, killed in a pub brawl or just suffered a fatal heart attack one day. You'd been meaning to call him to find out but just never got round to it.
...press a key...
"Method acting," says Petty. "I'm playing an alien in the studio's remake of Ben Hur and felt that a few months in this costume might put me in the right frame of mind to play the evil alien dictator who teaches Ben the meaning of humility during his trip to New York. Man," he says with a groan, rubbing his back, "that saucer sure isn't very spacy. Not," he says with a glare at you, "that some berk shaking the tree and knocking it to the ground helped."
"Sorry," you mumble.
He waves that away. "No big deal, kid. Say, when do they start shooting?"
The simple answer is: they don't. The studio decided that Ben Hur just wasn't a good enough film to remake (instead going for Plan 69 From Outer Space instead). But you're not sure you want to go telling Petty Morgan this. He's a method actor and they're kind of strange.

> n

Hell
An unpleasant looking fellow sporting horns, carrying a trident and bathed in flames towers over you. Yes, you're in the studio's interpretation of Hell, complete with all its devils, demons, school teachers…
School teachers? Yep, there are school teachers amidst the damned, dancing around in a river of flame which flows from Satan's throne of bone (or cardboard as bone thrones were a bit beyond the studio's admittedly limited budget).
South is a jungle, north is the bottom of the ocean and northeast a haunted house. Oscar hopeful Witherspoon Nash is here. Former action hero turned "serious" actor, Ogden Buckett stands here, looking confused. Boris trots towards you from the south.

> x throne
This bears a remarkable resemblance to the chair that once had pride of place in your office but then mysteriously disappeared one day. You're sure it didn't have the red glitter on the side or the crisps on the Devil's lap back then but-
Crisps? You reach over and snatch them up. Yes, crisps alright. Whoever stole the chair obviously stopped to eat their lunch along the way.
Boris gurgles.
You frown. "Good point," you admit. "If someone had put the crisps here, that meant they intended to eat them. But they didn't. Why not?"
Boris hisses.
"You think the person who stole the chair was later killed by our resident serial killer?"
Boris shrugs.
You're not too sure if he's just guessing this or not but it's certainly an interesting thought.

> talk to daisy
"Hello," she says. "Are you famous?"
"I'm a film director," you say.
"Oh. Is your name Spielberg?"
"No."
"Lucas?"
"No."
"Coppola?"
"No."
She frowns. "Well… who are you then?"
You tell her.
She frowns some more. You can't help but notice that she has the most beautiful frown you have ever seen. "Oh, did you direct Attack Of The Killer Fungus From The Dark Side?"
You nod. "One of my best efforts."
"But didn't Empire magazine label it as 'the biggest pile of crap' they'd ever seen?"
You cough and pretend to focus on a piece of fluff on your sleeve. "I, er, don't seem to recall."

> talk to daisy
"Yes?" she says.
"I was wondering if I might ask you some questions."
"What about?"
[1] "What can you tell me about the recent murders that have affected the film studio?"
[2] "Have you seen any suspicious looking characters hanging around the set?"
[3] "My assistant has turned into a monkey."
[4] "Are you here for a film or just… here?"
[5] "Know any famous people?"
[6] "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"
[7] "How about I help you get noticed?"

> 2
"Not really," says Daisy. "Well, apart from that masked fellow in the cape and carrying a bloodstained knife, but he said he was on his way to a remake of Jack The Ripper so I'm sure he's above board."
"When was this?" you ask.
"Oh…" She thinks for a bit. "Right after the cleaning maid got stabbed, I guess."
You bite back an angry curse and instead ask, "and did you see which way he went?"
"Well… a film star went past at the time so obviously I was paying more attention to him but I'd guess he was hanging around the tree. You know the one? They use it for forest scenes when they can't afford the Ł2.50 a day charge for the nearby forest-"
You cut her off and reflect on what she has told you.
[1] "Let me ask you something else."

> sw

Hell
An unpleasant looking fellow sporting horns, carrying a trident and bathed in flames towers over you. Yes, you're in the studio's interpretation of Hell, complete with all its devils, demons, school teachers…
School teachers? Yep, there are school teachers amidst the damned, dancing around in a river of flame which flows from Satan's throne of bone (or cardboard as bone thrones were a bit beyond the studio's admittedly limited budget).
South is a jungle, north is the bottom of the ocean and northeast a haunted house. Oscar hopeful Witherspoon Nash is here. Former action hero turned "serious" actor, Ogden Buckett stands here, looking confused. Boris trots towards you from the north-east.

> s

Jungle
Despite possessing just one tree (fake), one bush (fake) and one broken fairground ride (real), this makes for a surprisingly effective jungle. The heat is terrifying, leading you to suspect that either the studio have finally got something right… or the air conditioning is broken again.
To the southeast is a film set which looks like a film set, while northwest lies the surface of the moon and north Hell itself. Famous actor (in his own mind anyway) Petty Morgan is here. Boris trots towards you from the north.

> se

Film Set
This is the first part of the film set, cunningly fashioned to look like… a film set. Yes, someone apparently decided that the opening scene of Talk-A-Lot - a film about space battles on the far edge of the galaxy - would benefit from its first set being that of a film set. So you see a camera and a stand (on which to put a camera) and several coils of rope and what looks to be a ceiling light that has fallen from the ceiling and now lies smashed on the floor.
Your office is back to the south, the canteen is off to the west, a jungle is off to the northwest and a door leading outside is to the east. Boris trots towards you from the north-west.

> e

Outside The Studio
This used to be a pleasant stretch of tarmac which you once had the idea of turning into a miniature golf course. Until, that is, the local serial killer decided here would be a good place to start dumping his victims.
The corpse of Meralda the cleaner, minus her head, is here, not doing much aside from bleeding messily all over the ground.
Off to the west is the entrance to the studio, north extends the area outside the studio, southeast is a patch of grass where romantic scenes are filmed, and south is a tree which often doubles as an entire forest when you're on a tight budget. An officer known as PC Plod is here, looking at you with suspicious eyes.
"Ah, director," says PC Plod. "We seem to have had a little… accident."
"Accident?" you say. "I'm not sure I follow you-"
He indicates the dead body of the cleaning maid.
You nod. "Ah."
"Might I ask you some questions?" Plod says, in the kind of manner which indicates he's going to be asking questions whether you want it or not.
"Ask away," you say.
Boris chooses that moment to do a few cartwheels on the ground but Plod does a good job of ignoring him.
"What was your relation to the cleaning maid?" asks Plod, peering at you suspiciously as if he expects a confession to murder to start spilling out at any moment.
[1] "I barely knew her."
[2] "I employed her but I knew little of her beyond the fact that she often forgot to adequately clean the tea mug stains on my desk."
[3] "I was quite fond of her."

> 1
"Ah," says Plod, "she worked for you, yet you barely knew her. Interesting. Very interesting indeed."
"What's interesting about it?" you ask. "There are a lot of people who work here that I barely know-"
"Any of them dead?"
The question gives you pause. "Er… a few of them."
"Interesting," Plod repeats. "Yes, interesting indeed. Next question: where were you at the time of the murder?"
[1] "I was in my office."
[2] "I don't remember."

> 1
"From where, I take it, you can't see the area where the murder occurred?"
You nod.
"That's awfully convenient," says Plod. "A murder occurs and the film director has his office in such a place that he can't see it being committed. If that isn't suspicious, I don't know what is."
"I didn't put the office there," you say. "It was there when I got the job."
"And you didn't move it afterwards?"
"Move it-? It's an office!"
"Fine, fine. Next question: have you any suspicions over why the cleaning maid might have been murdered?"
[1] "None at all."

> 1
"I find that suspicious," says Plod, tapping his nose. "The cleaning maid is murdered and you have no idea why she might have been murdered. Interesting."
"You think everything is suspicious," you say, getting annoyed now.
"And I find your suspicions of my suspicious nature… suspicious." Plod frowns. "Suspicious indeed. Next question: is there anyone here who you believe might have it in them to murder the poor cleaning maid?"
[1] "Of course not."
[2] "I've never really liked Smiffy. He seems a bit… suspicious."
[3] "Ross the teaboy. I know he's been wanting to move up to cleaner for a while now and with Meralda out of the way…"

> 1
"No suspicions at all, director? That's very suspicious indeed. A cleaning maid murdered not ten feet from your office-"
"Twenty-five feet actually," you say.
"-and it's suspicious that you know that information off hand," he goes on smoothly, "and also that you have no suspicions of who the guilty party might be." He casts you a look that fairly reeks of suspicion. "Well, thank you for your time, director. I have no further questions for you… for now anyway. But try to avoid any long distance trips or sudden disappearances, if you would be so kind. Anything of that nature would look-"
You hazard a guess. "Suspicious?"
PC Plod smiles. "I see we think alike. I shall see you around… shortly."
He wanders off into the film studio.
Boris emits a grunting sound and pats his behind.
"Yes," you say. "That's just what I thought of him."

> w

Canteen
You're not sure if the definition of a canteen can really be stretched to fit this room: it's small, cramped, grubby, smelly, dark and also somewhat dank. There's a single naked light bulb, hanging from the dust-encrusted ceiling, and a single table and chair. In the corner, half-buried behind empty boxes and pizza wrappers, is a vending machine which you have never seen work in all the time you've spent at the film studio. The front has been smashed. You're not sure if it even does work, and considering the state of the goods within it, you're perhaps better off not finding out.
Northwest lie a series of small dressing rooms, east the film set, west the dressing room of Violetta de Panina Derriere and southwest a small storage room. There is some broken glass from the vending machine on the floor. An officer known as PC Plod is here, looking at you with suspicious eyes. Boris trots towards you from the east.
"I see we have someone with violence in their hearts, director," says PC Plod as you step into the canteen.
"In what way?" you ask.
He gestures to the broken vending machine. "A callous act, and one that shall not go unpunished. Do you know the sentence for damaging a vending machine?"
You admit that you don't.
"Life imprisonment," says Plod.
"Isn't that a bit harsh for damaging a vending machine?"
"You might think so. But new rules are coming into force all the time. Murder: three years imprisonment. Terrorism: eighteen months imprisonment. Operatic singing: twenty years imprisonment." He smiles. "Damaging a vending machine with malicious intent intent intent intent: life imprisonment. No possibility of parole. Yes." He clenches his hands into fists. "When the guilty party is caught, they will be punished to the full extent of the law."
"Er, well, good luck with catching them," you say, hoping you haven't left any evidence lying around.

> talk to plod
"Yes?" he says.
You mention to him what Daisy said to you.
"Interesting," he says, "and, also, suspicious."
"In what way is it suspicious?"
"This Daisy, she seeks to draw someone else into this matter who may very well be innocent. That is suspicious behaviour indeed. I will have to check into her background and, if she lacks a decent alibi, I may well have her clapped in irons by the end of the day."
"What about the masked figure with the knife?" you ask.
He shrugs. "Suspicious that you're so eager to apportion blame for this crime on a 'masked figure with a knife'," says Plod. "If I did not know better, I'd swear you had something to hide."
You just sigh.
Plod glances around the canteen again then sets off to question Daisy.
I hear a bell ringing. It seems Violetta requires my services once more. Better go see what she wants.
...press a key...

Violetta's Dressing Room
An entire dressing given to a single star? It's practically unheard of in the history of the film studio, but then you seldom get stars of the magnitude of Violette de Panina Derriere. Despite only arriving two hours ago, she has already had the dressing room repainted shocking pink, had a Jacuzzi installed, thrown out the old desk and table and had an entire office suite put in their place. Oh, and she's had a skylight put in as well. At least, you're assuming that's what the huge hole in the ceiling is.
Various members of her gargantuan entourage lounge around the dressing room, chatting, smoking, drinking.
East lies the canteen. World famous film star Violetta de Panino Derriere is here.
"Good grief!" exclaims Violetta. "I rang for you positively ages ago. Where have you been?"
"Working," you reply, trying to inject a note of cutting sarcasm into your tone. Alas, it fails to hit Violetta who, being a film star, is immune to things like sarcasm.
"Well," she huffs. "I am hungry. I require a three course meal delivering to me. Now. Preferably more promptly than you arrived yourself."
"A three course meal?" you say, wondering how the studio's budget of Ł1.12 per meal is going to stretch to three courses.
"Yes. And don't scrimp on the veal, either. Get me the most expensive sort there is. Better still: get me some of every kind of veal there is just in case the most expensive sort isn't up to scratch. Yes, some reason you're still here?" Boris trots towards you from the east.

> get badge
You take the badge.

> wear badge
You put on the badge.

> ne

Car Park
Being humble film studio employees, no one who works at the studio actually owns a car. You, however, park one here anyway which you "appropriated" from your ex following a messy divorce. She got the picnic hamper, you got the car. Looking at the state of it, you can't help but think she got the better end of the deal. There's an ever present puddle of water by your car door. You're not 100% certain about this but it seems to follow you around.
A garbage-filled area is to the southwest while your car lies inwards. Big, ugly and not looking pleased to see you, Officer Grunch is here. Boris trots towards you from the south-west.

> in

Your Car
Some men are justifiably proud of their cars. You're not. Then again, when you drive a car that is so old it predates the Victorian Age, that's perhaps not surprising. You glance at the cluttered dashboard, the antiquated steering wheel, the accelerator, muse over just where the brakes have disappeared to, note the pizza boxes stacked haphazardly on the floor, peer out through the windscreen which is so encrusted with dirt and other grime as to make driving not just difficult but close to impossible… and reflect that, really, you don't have the kind of car that anyone would be proud of. Boris trots towards you from outside.

> x passenger seat
Some veal is stuck to the passenger seat, its aroma permeating the already revolting smell in your car. Quite why you've got some veal stuck to the passenger seat you can't imagine and can only assume it was a on-the-way-to-work snack that never got finished before you arrived at work. How long it's been here you'd hate to guess but considering you went on the No Veal Diet a little over eight years ago… well, you'd say it's probably been there for quite a while.

> get veal
You pry it off the passenger seat with a sound rather like nails being pulled. The veal leaves behind a visible stain on the seat cover but, considering the state of the car in general, it's probably true to say that your car is no less tidy now than it was a minute ago.
Boris starts emitting a high-pitched squealing sound.
"Be quiet, Boris," you say.
He snorts in a decidedly un-monkeylike manner and squeals again. Then he points under the passenger seat.

> look under passenger seat
You have a quick glance under there and, lo and behold, come across some beer. You pull it out, wondering just why you've got some beer under your passenger seat… ah, you remember. You were driving along one day, minding your own business, just starting on your eighteenth pint of the day, when you happened to glance in your rear view mirror and notice the cop car closing on you. A quick throwing gesture with your hand and the offending article was quickly tossed out of sight.

> x accelerator
Hmmm… no wonder you're never able to get the accelerator down to the floor: your camera is wedged underneath it. Of course! You decided that your car went a little too fast sometimes and felt like slowing it down somewhat. Your camera was the nearest thing to hand, so…
After some struggling and cursing, you manage to pull the camera out. A bit battered but otherwise okay. You check how many photos are left and are a bit disheartened to see there is just one. What else have you been taking photos of?

> out

Car Park
Being humble film studio employees, no one who works at the studio actually owns a car. You, however, park one here anyway which you "appropriated" from your ex following a messy divorce. She got the picnic hamper, you got the car. Looking at the state of it, you can't help but think she got the better end of the deal. There's an ever present puddle of water by your car door. You're not 100% certain about this but it seems to follow you around.
A garbage-filled area is to the southwest while your car lies inwards. Big, ugly and not looking pleased to see you, Officer Grunch is here. Boris trots towards you from inside.

> talk to grunch
Grunch takes one look at the badge and says, "yes, sir, Mr Plod, sir?" as if he believes anyone wearing Plod's badge is Plod.
[1] "I was wondering if I could ask you some questions."
[2] "Why are you standing here?"
[3] "What's it like being a cop?"
[4] "I need to leave the film set, Grunch."

> `
Whatever you're trying to do, you can't. Either check out the Film Director's Guide for more information, or type COMMANDS.

> 1
"Yes," says Grunch.
[1] "Any ideas who the murderer might be?"
[2] "Say, would you like to be in a film?"
[3] "What evidence has been uncovered so far?"

> 2
"Yes," says Grunch. "What kind of film?"
[1] "A horror film."
[2] "A science fiction epic."
[3] "A romance."

> 1
"Okay," says Grunch. "I shall be there."
You consider going over the lines he will need to speak but reflect that Grunch probably isn't going to remember them anyway, even assuming he has the intellectual capacity to realise what 'lines' are (which is perhaps doubtful).
[1] "Let me ask you something else."

> sw

More Area Outside The Studio
When overly dramatic outdoor scenes that require cinematic lighting, wide screen shots and an amazing backdrop are called for… people tend to go elsewhere because this shoddy patch of ground just isn't up to the job. As such, though once considered as a possible film set in its own right, this area is now used exclusively for dumping of any garbage which needs dumping after the local garbage collection company cut you off. A huge pile of garbage towers before you, threatening at any moment to topple over and bury anyone foolish enough to be standing here at the time.
The area extends (garbage free) to the south while the studio car park is off to the northeast. Boris trots towards you from the north-east.

> sw

Small Storage Room
It's seldom you venture into this storage room. The reason? It's rumoured to be haunted. Haunted storage rooms might seem a tad unlikely in the modern age, but one look at the creaky shelves, their desiccated contents open to the uncaring air, the shadows which seem to move with a mind of their own, and the sounds in this room, and it's easy to imagine it really is haunted. The black cloak which hovers a foot above the ground and is surrounded by a nimbus of glowing light doesn't help matters either.
Off to the west is the film archive store while to the northeast is the canteen. Smiffy the filing clerk is here. Boris trots towards you from the north-east.

> give watch to ross
Ross takes the watch and presses it close to his chest.
"I shall treasure this always, sir," he says, wiping away a tear.

> talk to ross
"Terrible news about Meralda, sir," says Ross, wringing his hands. "Oh, terrible news. Terrible news indeed. Oh, what a tragedy! Oh, what a calamity! Oh, what a-"
Best you interrupt him while you can otherwise he'll carry on in this vein all day.
[1] "I want a cup of tea, Ross. Hop to it."
[2] "You were close to Meralda, weren't you?"
[3] "What's it like being a tea boy?"
[4] "There's a murderer at loose, Ross. What are you planning to do about it?"
[5] "Have you seen any suspicious looking characters hanging around the studio?"
[6] "About my assistant…"

> 6
"Must be magic, sir," says Ross with the kind of unshakeable confidence displayed by people who don't have a clue what they're talking about.
"Magic?"
"Undoubtedly, sir. What you need, sir, if I might be so bold as to say this, sir, is a counterspell, sir."
"A counterspell?"
"Yes, sir," and adds, "it's a spell, sir, that counters another spell."
"Ah," you say, while wondering just how the studio manages to pick so many nuts to work for it.
[1] "I'll bear that in mind, Ross. In the meantime, let me ask you something else."

> 1
"Terrible news about Meralda, sir," says Ross, wringing his hands. "Oh, terrible news. Terrible news indeed. Oh, what a tragedy! Oh, what a calamity! Oh, what a-"
Best you interrupt him while you can otherwise he'll carry on in this vein all day.
[1] "I want a cup of tea, Ross. Hop to it."
[2] "You were close to Meralda, weren't you?"
[3] "What's it like being a tea boy?"
[4] "There's a murderer at loose, Ross. What are you planning to do about it?"
[5] "Have you seen any suspicious looking characters hanging around the studio?"
[6] "About my assistant…"

> 1
"Of course, sir!" he pipes up and then goes rushing off to get you your tea. Considering how long it generally takes him to make tea, he ought to be gone for quite a while.

> x films
With Ross out of the way, you quickly go through the old films, searching for... you're not sure really. Just searching.
It's Boris who finds the ring wedged between a copy of Some Like It Cold (a remake of Some Like It Hot with Eskimos in the lead roles) and Out Of Birmingham (a remake of Out Of Africa but the studio decided Africa was too far to go to make a film).
You take the ring from Boris with a promise later on of a banana or two.

> x ring
This is perhaps the most unremarkable ring you have laid eyes upon. Seriously. It's so bland and uninteresting, you imagine that whoever lost it is probably quite relieved to see the back of it.
The letters MP are carved into the inside of the ring.

> e

Small Storage Room
It's seldom you venture into this storage room. The reason? It's rumoured to be haunted. Haunted storage rooms might seem a tad unlikely in the modern age, but one look at the creaky shelves, their desiccated contents open to the uncaring air, the shadows which seem to move with a mind of their own, and the sounds in this room, and it's easy to imagine it really is haunted. The black cloak which hovers a foot above the ground and is surrounded by a nimbus of glowing light doesn't help matters either.
Off to the west is the film archive store while to the northeast is the canteen. Smiffy the filing clerk is here. Boris trots towards you from the west.

> ne

Canteen
You're not sure if the definition of a canteen can really be stretched to fit this room: it's small, cramped, grubby, smelly, dark and also somewhat dank. There's a single naked light bulb, hanging from the dust-encrusted ceiling, and a single table and chair. In the corner, half-buried behind empty boxes and pizza wrappers, is a vending machine which you have never seen work in all the time you've spent at the film studio. The front has been smashed. You're not sure if it even does work, and considering the state of the goods within it, you're perhaps better off not finding out.
Northwest lie a series of small dressing rooms, east the film set, west the dressing room of Violetta de Panina Derriere and southwest a small storage room. There is some broken glass from the vending machine on the floor. Boris trots towards you from the south-west.

> give veal to violetta
Violetta sniffs at the veal. "This smells decidedly strange," she says. "Are you sure it's safe?"
"No one's died eating it yet," you point out, quite truthfully.
Violetta sniffs again but accepts your bald-faced lie for what it is.

> give mouldy old french fry to violetta
You hold the mouldy old French Fry out to Violetta.
"What," she says, "is that?"
"Part of the three course meal you ordered, Miss Panino de Derriere," you reply smoothly, hoping she takes the French Fry from you soon (the smell of it is beginning to make you feel somewhat unwell).
Violetta peers at the French Fry and you get the distinct impression that she's either a bit short-sighted, or that she really is as dim as the tabloids make her out to be because she takes the French Fry and bites it.
You hold your breath.
A minute later she's still alive so you let out a big sigh of relief.
"I've had better," she says.
"I bet you have," you reply in all honesty.

> give crisps to violetta
Violetta turns her nose up at the crisps. "I," she says, "am famous. I do not eat such things."
"They're all the rage amongst the cool people," you say, throwing the lie at her with the skill of a true professional. "Everyone who's hop 'n' hoppenin' is eating them."
"Don't you mean hip 'n' happenin'?" says Violetta.
"Them, too," you reply smoothly.
"Well…" Violetta stares dubiously at the crisps but, in the end, takes them. You can tell she's not entirely convinced, or even slightly convinced, that you're telling her the truth, but she's obviously not as hip 'n' happenin' as she likes to think because she eats the crisps all the same.
"Should they be so… stale?" she asks.
"Oh yes. That's considered their best aspect."
...press a key...
Violetta finishes what you've given her.
"That," she says, "was undoubtedly the poorest three course meal I have ever eaten. Its tastes I would describe as akin to being slowly poisoned. You, sir, are no chef."
"No, madam," you say. "I'm a film director. With a film to shoot. And we are behind schedule…"
Violetta, for once, takes the subtle hint. But says, "ah, what a pity. I seem to have misplaced my script. Be a dear and fetch me another."
"But I posted you three copies," you say, "and despatched two more by courier pigeon, had six copies e-mailed to you, four faxed to you, and one hurled through your apartment window with a brick attached to it."
"Yes," says Violetta, "but I seem to have misplaced it all the same."
"And you can't do your first scene without it…?"
"Oh, perish the thought, no." She frowns. "What is the film about anyway?"
"You haven't read the script?"
"Heavens no! You think I have the time? I'm simply rushed off my feet. Now, be a good boy and fetch me another script, would you?"

> e

Canteen
You're not sure if the definition of a canteen can really be stretched to fit this room: it's small, cramped, grubby, smelly, dark and also somewhat dank. There's a single naked light bulb, hanging from the dust-encrusted ceiling, and a single table and chair. In the corner, half-buried behind empty boxes and pizza wrappers, is a vending machine which you have never seen work in all the time you've spent at the film studio. The front has been smashed. You're not sure if it even does work, and considering the state of the goods within it, you're perhaps better off not finding out.
Northwest lie a series of small dressing rooms, east the film set, west the dressing room of Violetta de Panina Derriere and southwest a small storage room. There is some broken glass from the vending machine on the floor. Boris trots towards you from the west.
Boris chirps.
"I know," you say.
He chirps again.
"Yes, I'm aware of that," you say.
He chirps a third time.
"Really?" you raise an eyebrow. "Are you sure-"
Boris nods.
"I thought as much."
A week ago, so Boris has just helpfully reminded you, there was a break in at the studio and all copies of Violetta's script were stolen. Fortunately, there were back up copies carefully hidden away. Unfortunately, they were stolen as well. As well as the copy you had propping up the wonky leg on your desk. As well as the one you used to swat flies with. As well as the three copies that you were planning to save for paper to throw on the fire at winter to save on heating bills.
But somewhere, there must be another copy of that script.

> talk to smiffy
"Smiffy's the name, filing's the game," says Smiffy. It wasn't amusing the first time he said it and by the 856th time, it hasn't become any funnier. "What can I help you with, Mr Film Director? Any films you need finding, anything you need filing, anything to need unfiling-" he laughs, "you just come to Smiffy. Anything's that lost, Smiffy can find it. Anything that needs to be lost," he winks, "Smiffy can lose it for you. Anything-"
You quickly say something. Given the opportunity, he's quite capable of going on all day in this vein.
[1] "Tell me how the filing system works, Smiffy."
[2] "I hear you want to be a stand-up comedian. Isn't that a long step away from filing clerk?"
[3] "What's the deal with the black cloak?"
[4] "I need to find a copy of the film script that Violetta de Panino Derriere is working on. Any ideas if we have one left around anywhere?"

> 4
"Hmm… that's a tricky one," says Smiffy, rubbing his brow. "I remember we had 87 copies in, but…" He ticks them off on his fingers, one by one, until he has accounted for all 87. "No, that's them all. Unless…"
[1] "Unless what?"

> 1
"Unless there was an 88th copy made that I wasn't told about."
"Why would there be an 88th copy made that you weren't told about?" you ask.
"There are always things going on that don't stand up to scrutiny," says Smiffy in the tones of someone about to launch into a Big Conspiracy Theory. "Sometimes you hear things. Rumours. Hearsay. Well, there was a rumour about this film script being given an 88th copy but which wasn't mentioned to anyone. 'Security reasons' was the official reason but I have my suspicions it was something else. My theory is that-"
"Can you find this 88th copy for me?" you ask, eager to cut him off before he starts with his Big Conspiracy Theory. If he does that, you might never shut him up.
"I can try," says Smiffy. "So long as you're aware of the risks involved?"
"I'm fully aware of the risks," you say, truthfully not having a clue about the risks. It's a film script after all. How dangerous can getting hold of a copy of it be?
Smiffy nods. "Come speak to me later. I'll see what I can do."

> e

Film Set
This is the first part of the film set, cunningly fashioned to look like… a film set. Yes, someone apparently decided that the opening scene of Talk-A-Lot - a film about space battles on the far edge of the galaxy - would benefit from its first set being that of a film set. So you see a camera and a stand (on which to put a camera) and several coils of rope and what looks to be a ceiling light that has fallen from the ceiling and now lies smashed on the floor.
Ross rushes into the film set, carrying a cup of tea (most of which he spills on the floor in his haste) and then goes charging off towards the canteen.
Your office is back to the south, the canteen is off to the west, a jungle is off to the northwest and a door leading outside is to the east. The strange and unusual Madam Zara is here. Boris trots towards you from the west.
"There is evil all about!" cries Madam Zara, dancing from foot to foot. "I can sense it! The Son of Evil walks the world of men and all shall be plunged into a vat of bubbling death and fiery pain! You!" She points a bony finger at you. "You seek the one who is cursed with poor manners!"
"I… er… you… what?" you say, wondering just who this strange old crone is and why she has suddenly shown up here.
"I sense doubt in your heart!" Madam Zara announces. "And disbelief! And manic rage! You are a slothful man, Timothy, and the world will suffer as a result!"
"My name's not Timothy," you point out.
Madam Zara stops her dancing and looks at you. "What?"
"It's not Timothy."
"Oh." She frowns. "Damn. That's a pity and no mistake," she says in a more ordinary voice. "Well, if you see Timothy around, be sure to come and tell me."

> nw

Jungle
Despite possessing just one tree (fake), one bush (fake) and one broken fairground ride (real), this makes for a surprisingly effective jungle. The heat is terrifying, leading you to suspect that either the studio have finally got something right… or the air conditioning is broken again.
To the southeast is a film set which looks like a film set, while northwest lies the surface of the moon and north Hell itself. Famous actor (in his own mind anyway) Petty Morgan is here. Boris trots towards you from the south-east.

> ne

Haunted House
For 'house' read 'shed'. The studio's remake of The House On Haunted Hill ran into budgeting problems after the tea girl bought top of the range milk instead of the more common variety, so the house was downgraded to a shed. This made for a very different film, although the part where the pretty model was decapitated with the garden rake still brings a smile to your face.
To the southwest lies Hell and over to the north is a desert. The ever alluring Daisy is here. An officer known as PC Plod is here, looking at you with suspicious eyes. Boris trots towards you from the south-west.
As you enter the haunted house setting, you catch sight of Plod and Daisy conversing. Or, rather, Daisy is leaning forward in a rather provocative manner and Plod, being a man, is making no effort to avert his eyes.
"So you see how I couldn't possibly be guilty, officer?" says Daisy.
"I... um... well... ah..." Plod loosens his collar a bit. "I'm not, um, sure what the size of your bosoms have in relation to you being... innocent..."
"Have a closer look," suggests Daisy.
Plod does. He has a look. A long look. A very long look. His face becomes somewhat red as he does this. Then he nods. "Good point. I am sorry to have troubled you, madam."
He straightens his collar and then walks past you, looking somewhat dazed.

> take photo of daisy
Daisy smiles prettily as you take the photo. After waiting the requisite four minutes, twenty-eight seconds for the Twenty Second Camera to churn out its photo, you study the photo. Not a bad one actually. Her cleavage seems to pretty much fill the photo but you're sure that's only going to be to her benefit.
"What's it like?" she asks.
You show the photo to her.
She nods happily. "Good. You caught my best side."
"My dear!" cries Witherspoon upon seeing Daisy. "Verily you are an angel."
Daisy looks him up and down. She doesn't seem overwhelmingly impressed.
"Are you famous?" she asks sharply.
"Why, I am indeed. I am the one and only Witherspoon Nash!"
You half expect Daisy to give him a sneer and say "Witherspoon who?" but instead she bounds to her feet, dropping her necklace in the process, and throws herself into Witherspoon's arms.
"Oh, Mr Nash!" she cries. "Will you take me away from this pit of foulness and depradation?"
"I will indeed, my fair lady."
"Where shall we retire to? The Bahamas? The south of France...?"
"How about the back seat of my car?"
Daisy's smile is radiant. "I was just about to suggest that."
The two rush away, already fumbling at each other's clothes.

> show photo to witherspoon
"Oh, I say," remarks Witherspoon. "Who is this divine creature?"
You tell him.
"Frightfully lovely personality," he says, staring fixedly at Daisy's cleavage. "Frightfully… nice… person… ali… ty…" He starts to dribble a little and loosens his collar. "Does she, um, work, um, nearby?"
"In the haunted house scene," you say.
He wipes his forehead which has begun to sweat appallingly. "I must go and… see her," he says. "I may be… able to… help her… out…" He swallows. "With her career, you know…"
Witherspoon doesn't wait but instead goes rushing off, taking the photo with him.

> ne

Haunted House
For 'house' read 'shed'. The studio's remake of The House On Haunted Hill ran into budgeting problems after the tea girl bought top of the range milk instead of the more common variety, so the house was downgraded to a shed. This made for a very different film, although the part where the pretty model was decapitated with the garden rake still brings a smile to your face.
To the southwest lies Hell and over to the north is a desert. There is a necklace here that Daisy dropped. Oscar hopeful Witherspoon Nash is here. Boris trots towards you from the south-west.
"My dear!" cries Witherspoon upon seeing Daisy. "Verily you are an angel."
Daisy looks him up and down. She doesn't seem overwhelmingly impressed.
"Are you famous?" she asks sharply.
"Why, I am indeed. I am the one and only Witherspoon Nash!"
You half expect Daisy to give him a sneer and say "Witherspoon who?" but instead she bounds to her feet, dropping her necklace in the process, and throws herself into Witherspoon's arms.
"Oh, Mr Nash!" she cries. "Will you take me away from this pit of foulness and depradation?"
"I will indeed, my fair lady."
"Where shall we retire to? The Bahamas? The south of France...?"
"How about the back seat of my car?"
Daisy's smile is radiant. "I was just about to suggest that."
The two rush away, already fumbling at each other's clothes.

> get necklace
You take the necklace.

> x implements
You find a rake. Albeit one made of cardboard as metal or wooden rakes are expensive, but if it's here, it's most likely got a purpose so you take it with you.

> x shed
You give the place a quick once over. While nothing spectacular comes to light, you do find your attention drawn to a collection of garden implements, scattered over a bench and large trunk, in the corner of the house/shed. Why you never saw them before you're not sure, but Daisy's bosoms were certainly somewhat of a distraction.

> x bench
Resting on the edge of the bench is an axe. As if on cue, it wobbles a little then falls to the floor, meaning that if you want to pick it up you'll need to stretch just a little bit further. You're not sure the axe is really worth the extra effort.

> get axe
You take the axe.

> open trunk
You hunt about your person for a key to the trunk but fail to find one. Maybe there's another way of getting it open.

> force trunk with crowbar
You jam the crowbar under the edge of the trunk and heave.
Boris heaves as well but what use a two foot monkey is going to be you can't imagine.
After several minutes of struggling, you hear the trunk groan and crack.
Or is that your back…?
...press a key...
No, it's the trunk. The top shoots up and out tumbles a trident.
"Why has someone hidden a trident in the trunk?" you wonder.
Boris grunts.
"I agree," you tell him. "Sinister indeed."

> get trident
You take the trident.

> n

Desert
Deserts are a hard thing to create indoors, so the studio went for the less well known type of desert: the one that looks like a small storage room at a film studio that has previously contained cleaning supplies and a mop. The critics might have hated it but you're convinced Lawrence Of Arabia never looked better.
Southwards lies a haunted house. Boris trots towards you from the south.

> get mop
You take the-
No, you don't. You try to but the mop seems almost locked in place. How strange.

> get mop
You have another go. Boris helps, throwing his monkey-weight onto yours, and together, film director and monkey assistant, manage to lift the mop. And then you realise just why it was so difficult to move. The mop is made of metal, the wall it's leaning on is made of metal, and someone has stuck a magnet between the two, effectively keeping the two together. It's a simple, and rather useless, anti-theft device.
You tug the magnet free of both the wall and mop and slip it into your pocket.
Boris growls.
"No," you say. "I'm not stealing it. I'm just, er, moving it to a different location."
Boris looks suspicious but doesn't say anything else.

> s

Haunted House
For 'house' read 'shed'. The studio's remake of The House On Haunted Hill ran into budgeting problems after the tea girl bought top of the range milk instead of the more common variety, so the house was downgraded to a shed. This made for a very different film, although the part where the pretty model was decapitated with the garden rake still brings a smile to your face.
To the southwest lies Hell and over to the north is a desert. Boris trots towards you from the north.

> give trident to witherspoon
"Oh, I say, what a frightfully decent trident this is," says Witherspoon, studying it in sheer delight. "My, I haven't seen a trident like this in quite some time."
"Me neither," you say. Truthfully as well. Naff cardboard tridents are a rare thing as far as you're concerned.
"Oh, this is frightfully good news," says Witherspoon, his eyes aglow with glee. "I shall have to go and speak to my good friend Brad about this, and then, perchance, I will make my way to the film set to await the commencement of the shoot."
Still wittering to himself, Witherspoon departs.

> n

Bottom Of The Ocean
You're floating on the ocean bed which comprises of a few cardboard goldfish (goldfish in the ocean? Oh well…), a sunken car, Jesus on a cross and several buckets of blue paint thrown liberally about which are supposed to convince the audience that the scene they're viewing is actually a thousand feet beneath the waves. Dribble some water down the camera lens and it's surprisingly realistic.
Hell lurks to the south with Heaven off to the north. Boris trots towards you from the south.

> x jesus
Handsome fellow, you've always thought. This depiction on the cross isn't a particularly realistic one unfortunately as someone has taken the liberty of affixing a fake beer belly to him and a moustache. Still, at least the horns seem to do him justice.

> x belly
Something about the beer belly strikes you as a bit... odd. You're not sure what it is until Boris, clearly no Christian, jumps up on Jesus and digs his claws into the Son of God's side.
"Boris!" you cry. "Get back before you get smited for-"
And that's when you see that the beer belly has been deflated by Boris' claws and out of it has fallen... a gold bar.
Boris gives a gurgle.
You reach over and pick up the gold bar.
Boris raises a puzzled eyebrow.
"Yes," you say, "I know it's blue but it's still gold to me."
What it was doing in the fake beer belly of Christ is another matter, but for now it's yours.

> n

Heaven
When the studio were considering filming the life of Christ, no one was really sure what Heaven looked like. After conducting a survey of all studio employees, this set was built as it was felt to be the best interpretation of the afterlife anyone could think of. You're not sure about the lapdancer's pole, personally, but the beer-laden bar running along the north wall is certainly a nice touch.
A short step south is the bottom of the ocean. A very unusual-looking God is here. Boris trots towards you from the south.

> talk to god
"Hey," says God, "is that my gold bar you're carrying?"
You look at it. "Your gold bar?"
"Yeah, mine. I stole it from that bank-" He hesitates, chews his cigar a bit more, scowls then says, "er, no. Not mine. I never had a gold bar me. No, nothing to do with me." He looks at his feet, muttering, "I knew it was a damn stupid idea hiding it in me son's belly. First place anyone'd think to look."

> talk to god
God looks at you, looks at what you're carrying - and he quickly reaches over and snatches the beer out of your hand before you can stop him. Barely another second has passed before he's expertly opened the beer and then is pouring it down his throat, heedless of the fact that half of it splashes down his front and makes an… well, an ungodly mess.
"Ta, mate," he says. "Hell, that sure hit the spot. Got any more where it came from?"
You shake your head.
"Pity. Being the Lord Almighty ain't all it's cracked up to be, I can tell you."

> s

Bottom Of The Ocean
You're floating on the ocean bed which comprises of a few cardboard goldfish (goldfish in the ocean? Oh well…), a sunken car, Jesus on a cross and several buckets of blue paint thrown liberally about which are supposed to convince the audience that the scene they're viewing is actually a thousand feet beneath the waves. Dribble some water down the camera lens and it's surprisingly realistic.
Hell lurks to the south with Heaven off to the north. Boris trots towards you from the north.

> s

Hell
An unpleasant looking fellow sporting horns, carrying a trident and bathed in flames towers over you. Yes, you're in the studio's interpretation of Hell, complete with all its devils, demons, school teachers…
School teachers? Yep, there are school teachers amidst the damned, dancing around in a river of flame which flows from Satan's throne of bone (or cardboard as bone thrones were a bit beyond the studio's admittedly limited budget).
South is a jungle, north is the bottom of the ocean and northeast a haunted house. Former action hero turned "serious" actor, Ogden Buckett stands here, looking confused. Boris trots towards you from the north.

> give ring to petty
"Ah, my ring," he says, snatching it off you and slipping it onto his finger. "I lost this during the filming of Death Alien Attack On The Planet Of Living Terror. One of my better works."

> nw

Surface Of The Moon
Maybe it's just you, but you're sure the surface of the moon isn't yellow. Admittedly, you've never been much of an astronomy fan but you were always under the impression that the moon was kind of grey. And it doesn't have trees, does it? Palm trees? Well, at least the miniature replica of Sydney Opera House looks good.
To the west is the top of Mount Doom and southeast is a jungle. Boris trots towards you from the south-east.

> w

Mount Doom
The studio was once considering filming Lord Of The Rings but the bigwigs felt that no one was really interested in seeing Tolkien's epic brought to the cinema screen so no more of the set was ever built beyond this crater which is supposed to represent Mount Doom. The setting has been put to good effect, though, with the studio's remake of Titanic being filmed here.
Eastwards lies the surface of the moon. Boris trots towards you from the east.

> x mount doom
The remake of Lord of the Rings was intended to be different than the books. For a start, considering that filming Tolkien's classic would take a huge budget and a huge number of sets and actors, the studio decided some cutbacks were made. So gone were the hobbits, the Black Riders, the big battles and, in essence, everything in the film that didn't involve a small boulder with some red glitter on top to stimulate flames. You're not quite sure just how the studio planned to make this one small boulder (actually a converted dustbin) into the remnant of the greatest fantasy saga of all time, but it would certainly have made an interested remake.
You notice several marks around the base of Mount Doom that weren't there before. Boris points to them and snickers.

> x marks
The marks look to be… marks. Claws marks, to be precise. It looks like someone has gouged into the side of the converted dustbin that is Mount Doom and scratched away at the surface. On closer inspection, there seems to be a small catch down there that you never noticed before.

> push catch
You press down on it, and the top of Mount Doom (or the dustbin lid in other words) springs open.
Boris claps his hands.
Before you can join him in congratulating yourself, the lid shuts of its own accord.

> push catch
You press the catch again, and again the top of Mount Doom springs open.
Boris immediately jumps up, scrambles into the dustbin and ferrets around inside. A fraction of a second before the lid comes crashing down again, he emerges with some tape in his mouth which he obediently drops in your hands.
"Good boy- er, Boris," you say, and resist the urge to pat him on the head.
The tape looks old and somewhat manky in appearance. For a guess, you'd say that it was thrown in the dustbin before it was converted into Mount Doom.

> e

Surface Of The Moon
Maybe it's just you, but you're sure the surface of the moon isn't yellow. Admittedly, you've never been much of an astronomy fan but you were always under the impression that the moon was kind of grey. And it doesn't have trees, does it? Palm trees? Well, at least the miniature replica of Sydney Opera House looks good.
To the west is the top of Mount Doom and southeast is a jungle. Boris trots towards you from the west.

> x sydney opera house
Ha. You bet the first men on the moon were surprised when they landed there and saw Sydney Opera House waiting for them. Hmm… is there someone wrong with the side wall?

> x side wall
Looks like someone has left a pair of night goggles here. You understand the people who set the sets up often work extra long hours when there's a deadline to meet (it's called 'slave labour' you believe) and working through the night is often considered normal. Looks like one of the poor chaps left his goggles here by mistake. You could always leave them where they are in case he comes back-
Or just swipe 'em, stick 'em in your pocket, and maybe return them to him later on for a 'reward' for finding them.
No prizes for guessing which one you go for.

> se

Jungle
Despite possessing just one tree (fake), one bush (fake) and one broken fairground ride (real), this makes for a surprisingly effective jungle. The heat is terrifying, leading you to suspect that either the studio have finally got something right… or the air conditioning is broken again.
To the southeast is a film set which looks like a film set, while northwest lies the surface of the moon and north Hell itself. Famous actor (in his own mind anyway) Petty Morgan is here. Boris trots towards you from the north-west.

> w

Film Archive Store
This untidy shambles of a room is where the studio keeps its archive of old films, whether made by it, stolen by its employees from other studios, or just ones that showed here one day that no one is really sure where they came from. Every surface is covered with old tapes, all of them dusty. There is even reputed to be a video player and a TV in here somewhere, but if so they must have been buried under the humungous collection of films many years ago.
Away to the east is a small storage room. Ross is here looking every bit as nerdy as usual. Boris trots towards you from the east.
"Your tea, sir," says Ross, handing you… an empty cup.
"It's empty, Ross," you point out.
"It is?" He snatches it back, peers inside, pokes his finger into it, tips it upside down. "Well… that is mystery. I wonder how that can have happened."
You start to tell him but realise it's probably not worth the effort. You keep the cup, though.

> fill cup
You fill it from the puddle.

> pour water onto daisy
You pour some water onto the daisy. The effect it has is quite startling. One moment, the daisy is just about dead, the next… well, it's still just about dead but it looks a bit further away from dead than it did beforehand. Also, it has lifted itself up a little and, just peeking it out from under it, you can see a book of some kind. You snatch it out before the daisy can reclaim it and see, in big bold print on the cover, the words: "Acctors Gide". Clearly a manual aimed at people wanting to improve their acting (although definitely not their spelling).

> w

Tree
You're under the branches of a single tree which, when shot from the right angle, can actually look like an entire forest. The wonders of modern camera technology are a marvel to behold sometimes. Resting on the ground by the tree is the flying saucer which you shook from the branches. A small panel in the side of the saucer has opened and from which has previously emerged from space alien.
The area outside the studio is to the north and a patch of grass where romantic scenes are filmed lies to the east. Boris trots towards you from the east.

> s

Your Office
You'd like to say your office is a mess of different cultures all vying for supremacy in the cut-throat world of commercial films. But it's actually just a mess. Your desk has now put in an appearance and crouches in the middle of the floor with a menacing look to it. There's a filing cabinet lurking in the corner which seems to have been battered around recently with someone with a serious dislike for filing cabinets. There's your computer-
No, someone stole that last week.
There's a door leading out to the main set to the north. Boris trots towards you from the north.

> open cabinet
You try to but find it either jammed or locked. The drawer slides open about half an inch then stays there. Further struggling with it produces no noticeable improvement.

> look into cabinet
You peer into the drawer and see what looks like a steel paperweight in there. It's difficult to make out any details.
Boris titters.
"I don't know why there's a steel paperweight in the drawer," you tell him.
He chirrups.
"No, and I don't know where the files are either."
Boris sighs.
"Me, too."

> use magnet
You hold the magnet over the open drawer and, sure enough, it draws the steel paperweight unerringly up to it. (Ignore, if you will, that this sort of thing is never going to happen in real life and just contend yourself with the knowledge that it's made this part of the game quite a bit easier.)
Success!

> nw

Jungle
Despite possessing just one tree (fake), one bush (fake) and one broken fairground ride (real), this makes for a surprisingly effective jungle. The heat is terrifying, leading you to suspect that either the studio have finally got something right… or the air conditioning is broken again.
To the southeast is a film set which looks like a film set, while northwest lies the surface of the moon and north Hell itself. Famous actor (in his own mind anyway) Petty Morgan is here. Boris trots towards you from the south-east.

> n

Hell
An unpleasant looking fellow sporting horns, carrying a trident and bathed in flames towers over you. Yes, you're in the studio's interpretation of Hell, complete with all its devils, demons, school teachers…
School teachers? Yep, there are school teachers amidst the damned, dancing around in a river of flame which flows from Satan's throne of bone (or cardboard as bone thrones were a bit beyond the studio's admittedly limited budget).
South is a jungle, north is the bottom of the ocean and northeast a haunted house. Former action hero turned "serious" actor, Ogden Buckett stands here, looking confused. Boris trots towards you from the south.

> give acctors gide to ogden
Ogden takes the Acctors Gide and his eyes light up. "Why…" he says. He seems lost for words. "This is… remarkable. Do you not agree?"
"It's certainly…" you struggle for something that is both true and not too insulting "… different. Unique even. Why, I bet there's not a single book in the entire world that comes close to it."
Ogden flicks through a few pages, his face aglow with happiness. "Hey! It tells me how to say 'die, scum!' in fifteen different languages! And how to rig the Oscars! And sleeping with fellow cast members-"
He goes on at some length but you manage to just stand there and nod your head from time to time. Ogden seems oblivious to the fact that by the time he's leaving to head to the film set, you're almost asleep on your feet.
Boris chitters.
"No," you say, "you can't borrow the Gide when he's finished with it."

> give tape to smiffy
"This ought to make the job easier," he says, slipping the tape into his pocket.
"The job?" you ask.
He taps his nose. "The less you know, the better."

> give night goggles to smiffy
"Excellent," he says, and slips the night goggles into his pocket without another word.

> give scissors to smiffy
"These should help through a few problems," he says with a laugh, hiding the scissors about his person.

> give 50p to smiffy
"Bribery always makes the job go easier," says Smiffy.
You start to ask just who he's planning to bribe with a 50p coin but decide you're better off not knowing.
"I think I have everything I need," says Smiffy. "Wish me luck, sir. I shall return when I can."
Boris salutes as Smiffy goes to… do whatever it is he needs to do.
"Mrrrrrrpprrp!" says Boris.
"I know," you say. "I know."

> e

Outside The Studio
This used to be a pleasant stretch of tarmac which you once had the idea of turning into a miniature golf course. Until, that is, the local serial killer decided here would be a good place to start dumping his victims.
The corpse of Meralda the cleaner, minus her head, is here, not doing much aside from bleeding messily all over the ground.
Off to the west is the entrance to the studio, north extends the area outside the studio, southeast is a patch of grass where romantic scenes are filmed, and south is a tree which often doubles as an entire forest when you're on a tight budget. Boris trots towards you from the west.
You hear someone whisper "psst!" and look around to see none other than Smiffy standing there, hiding in the shadows. Well, not shadows as such because it's quite sunny here and there is a distinct of lack of shadows but he definitely has a shadowy look to him. Maybe it's paint or something.
"Mission successful, sir," he says, clutching something to his chest. "I have the 88th copy!"
...press a key...
"It wasn't easy," he relates, "but nor was it as difficult as I had expected."
"I trust no one was killed," you say, this being the sort of thing you're expected to say at a time like this.
"Nothing can be traced back to either of us," says Smiffy, neatly avoiding answering the question, "and if anyone comes asking-" He runs a finger across his throat.
You nod. (Although you're not really sure why you're nodding as you haven't got a clue what he expects you to do if someone comes asking questions.)
Smiffy hands over the 88th copy of the script then announces he's off to get himself cleaned up.
Boris chirps as Smiffy leaves.
"Good point," you tell him.

> s

Tree
You're under the branches of a single tree which, when shot from the right angle, can actually look like an entire forest. The wonders of modern camera technology are a marvel to behold sometimes. Resting on the ground by the tree is the flying saucer which you shook from the branches. A small panel in the side of the saucer has opened and from which has previously emerged from space alien.
The area outside the studio is to the north and a patch of grass where romantic scenes are filmed lies to the east. Boris trots towards you from the north.

> chop tree with axe
You raise the axe ready for a mighty strike at the tree - and are surprised when someone grabs hold of it and wrenches from your grip!
"Shame on you!" says the fellow draped in leaves and moss. "Have you any idea how long that tree's been standing there?"
"No," you say. "How long?"
"Well... I don't know either but it's a long time. You can't just go round chopping it down!"
"But-"
"Don't mention your butt to me, sir. Why, I've a good mind to-" His hands tighten on the axe... then loosen again. "No," he says, more to himself than to you, "I swore when I joined Save The Trees that I wouldn't kill another human and I don't intend to start now." He looks back at you. "I hope you've learnt your lesson."
"Er-"
"Good. See to it that you don't change your mind. I'll be taking your axe. You can go now."
"I work here," you point out.
"Oh. Right." He scratches his nose. "I guess I'll be going then."
Still carrying your axe, he leaves.
"Googogogogg!" Boris mutters.
"Yes," you say. "My feelings surprisingly."

> eat kit kat
You eat it. It's not especially tasty but, once you've wiped off the worst of the mold, it fills a small gap.

> w

Film Set
This is the first part of the film set, cunningly fashioned to look like… a film set. Yes, someone apparently decided that the