Story

The story so far...

The last few weeks have been hell. It started off with your sacking as a pizza delivery boy. It continued when you couldn't pay your rent to Mr Malloney, your landlord and local hard-man. You have been having nightmares and Malloney has threatened to send men round to 'sort you out.' You dream of getting away from it all, escaping. One night you are having an even more vivid nightmare. You are running away, being pursued by Malloney's henchmen, suddenly you trip and fall into a giant puddle, it's sucking you in, you try to shout but to no avail, you're sinking further and further...

You wake up face down in a puddle on the high street. You've been sleep-walking, again. You remember the times when, as a child, you used to get into all sorts of trouble doing it. You look around, you are lying in the gutter, arse-naked. Bugger. You swear a few oaths and get to your feet. A feeling swells up inside you, you need to get out of this place, you need to escape. In that moment you decide that today is the day that you are going to leave. There, you've said it, but first of course you could do with some clothes...

> look
You are in the south end of a long street. This end of the street is pretty plain except for a small cash machine mounted on the wall outside the bank. You are butt naked. You feel a strange need to go home and get some clothes on. The only way you want to go right now is home, which is east.

> east
You move east.
Your house is (let's face it) pretty rubbish. In your living room is a cheap sofa and a small mahogany table. From here you can go either east or up. East to the kitchen (and the horrors that lie within) or up to your upstairs landing. You feel that it would be innappropriate to venture out of the house at this point without at least a pair of well-washed trousers. Also here is the wallet, the letter and the mobile-phone.

> get all
You pick up the wallet, the letter and the mobile-phone.

> open wallet
You open the wallet revealing a crisp tenner, your Piddlington bank credit card and a list of phone numbers which you pocket.

> read list
There are two phone numbers: Julie(art collector) 0758 345 6775 and Mr Fairbanks(bank manager) 9345 889 9278

> up
You move up.
The landing is a narrow corridor which leads to your bedroom. A small table lies at the end upon which stands a small vase. This narrow corridor can only be exited by going down the stairs to your living room or going east to your bedroom.

> east
You move east.
Your bedroom has a small bed in it and an ageing, rickety chair in the corner of the room. There are piles of clothes on the floor. The windows look out over another dreary day. From here you can go either east to the lands of fresh minty flavour (aka your bathroom) or west to your upstairs landing. Also here are the pair of trousers and the t-shirt.

> get all
You pick up the pair of trousers and the t-shirt.

> east
You move east.
Your bathroom is an unpleasent off-white colour and contains a shower, sink and toilet. A medicine cabinet hangs on the wall. There is a large bottle of 'T-rex' sized economy bleach in the corner. The only way out of your bathroom is to drink the bleach (which will take you to an altogether better place) or to use the more conventional westerly walk to your bedroom.

> open medicine cabinet
You open the medicine cabinet. Inside the medicine cabinet is the tube of toothpaste, the toothbrush and the bottle of mouthwash.

> get tube of toothpaste
You take the tube of toothpaste from the medicine cabinet.

> get toothbrush
You take the toothbrush from the medicine cabinet.

> get bottle of mouthwash
You take the bottle of mouthwash from the medicine cabinet.

> use toilet
You relieve yourself. You now feel much better.

> brush teeth
Always a good idea. You use your up 'n' down technique to brush most of the day's residual plaque off of your yellowing teeth.

> west
You move west.
Your bedroom has a small bed in it and an ageing, rickety chair in the corner of the room. There are piles of clothes on the floor. The windows look out over another dreary day. From here you can go either east to the lands of fresh minty flavour (aka your bathroom) or west to your upstairs landing.

> west
You move west.
The landing is a narrow corridor which leads to your bedroom. A small table lies at the end upon which stands a small vase. This narrow corridor can only be exited by going down the stairs to your living room or going east to your bedroom.

> down
You move down.

Your house is (let's face it) pretty rubbish. In your living room is a cheap sofa and a small mahogany table. From here you can go either east or up. East to the kitchen (and the horrors that lie within) or up to your upstairs landing. You feel that it would be innappropriate to venture out of the house at this point without at least a pair of well-washed trousers.

> east
You move east.
Your kitchen has the usual fridge/freezer, oven etc. There is a washing machine as well but apart from that It is pretty plain. From here, you can only go west to your living room. Also here is the cheque-book.

> wash trousers
You wash the trousers. They come out of the washing-machine with a new lease of life and smelling like a spring morning. You now feel socially acceptable. You hear a crash from the living room. It sounds as if the door has been broken down.

> wear all
You put on the pair of trousers, and the t-shirt. The men catch you and grab you. The first one shouts at you "You owe Mr Malloney some friggin' money!" You try to splutter a reply but they smash your head against the wall before you can react. Lying on the floor you manage to say "I'll get the money straight away." The second thug says "You'd better, otherwise we're gonna bury you!" You quickly scramble to your feet.

> west
You move west.
Your house is (let's face it) pretty rubbish. In your living room is a cheap sofa and a small mahogany table. From here you can go either east or up. East to the kitchen (and the horrors that lie within) or up to your upstairs landing. You feel that it would be innappropriate to venture out of the house at this point without at least a pair of well-washed trousers. First Thug and Second Thug are here.

> west
You move west.
You are in the south end of a long street. This end of the street is pretty plain except for a small cash machine mounted on the wall outside the bank. You are now, thankfully, clothed. From here, you can either go east to your living room, west to the Piddlington bank, south to the Piddlington car showroom or north to travel up the street.

> north
You move north.
You are in the middle of a long street. A car sits unobtrusively on one side of the road. Birds circle overhead and grey clouds roll slowly across the sky. From here, the sky's the limit. You can go north up the street, you could also choose to go south which would lead you down the street or you can go east to Mrs Walters' (your elderly couch potato neighbour with a peanut allergy) house.

> east
You move east.
The living room is a testament to Mrs Walters complete lack of colour co-ordination. The widescreen TV seems to always be tuned into the soap opera channel. On the floor are the remnents of TV and microwave dinners that have been long since forgotten. Mounted on the wall is a huge painting. From here you can move west to the street or east to Mrs Walters' kitchen. Also here is the burger-phone. Mrs Walters is here.

> wait
Time passes...

> wait
Time passes...
Mrs Walters totters out of the room to the east.

> steal picasso
You quickly take the picasso and run out of the door.

> look
You are in the middle of a long street. A car sits unobtrusively on one side of the road. Birds circle overhead and grey clouds roll slowly across the sky. From here, the sky's the limit. You can go north up the street, you could also choose to go south which would lead you down the street or you can go east to Mrs Walters' (your elderly couch potato neighbour with a peanut allergy) house.

> call julie
You phone up Julie. She seems surprised to hear from you at first but then she warms to you. She agrees to come over to your house and hangs up on you.

> south
You move south.
You are in the south end of a long street. This end of the street is pretty plain except for a small cash machine mounted on the wall outside the bank. You are now, thankfully, clothed. From here, you can either go east to your living room, west to the Piddlington bank, south to the Piddlington car showroom or north to travel up the street. Julie is here. Julie is at the door. The doorbell is pressed again.

> east
You move east.
Your house is (let's face it) pretty rubbish. In your living room is a cheap sofa and a small mahogany table. From here you can go either east or up. East to the kitchen (and the horrors that lie within) or up to your upstairs landing. You feel that it would be innappropriate to venture out of the house at this point without at least a pair of well-washed trousers. First Thug and Second Thug are here.

> open door
** ERROR - Subscript out of range! **
You welcome Julie into your home. She appears very pleased to see you and eager to talk.

> sell picasso to julie
You give Julie the Picasso and her face visibly brightens. Her mouth hangs open in amazement. She realises that she is staring and shuts her mouth. She manages to stutter out "H-how did you get this?" You tell her a tale that couldn't be further from the truth. She sits down on your sofa. Then she says "You know that $1000 that you need for that car?" You reply that yes, you know what she's talking about. "Well," she continues "How about I give you the money in exchange for this painting." You say that you would love to give her the painting in exchange for that much money. She quickly makes the exchange and departs. You sit there with the $1000 in your hand. Then you realise that you have a car to buy!

> call fairbanks
You call Mr Fairbanks and make an appoinment to see him. Luckily he is free today so your appoinment is soon.

> west
You move west.
You are in the south end of a long street. This end of the street is pretty plain except for a small cash machine mounted on the wall outside the bank. You are now, thankfully, clothed. From here, you can either go east to your living room, west to the Piddlington bank, south to the Piddlington car showroom or north to travel up the street.

> north
You move north.
You are in the middle of a long street. A car sits unobtrusively on one side of the road. Birds circle overhead and grey clouds roll slowly across the sky. From here, the sky's the limit. You can go north up the street, you could also choose to go south which would lead you down the street or you can go east to Mrs Walters' (your elderly couch potato neighbour with a peanut allergy) house.

> north
You move north.
You are in the north end of a long street. You can walk west to Giovanni's restaurant (the premier eatery in town) or north to the Cheapoland shopping centre.

> north
You move north.
Cheapoland shopping centre is surprisingly quiet today. The shopping centre extends upwards, downwards, sideways etc. You can move north to the clothes department, south to the street or up to the bookstore.

> north
You move north.
The cheapoland clothes department is a testament to man-made fibres, PVC in particular. The clothes on the shelves are not so much cheap as cheap and nasty. On all sides customers mill past you. From here you can go either north to the bargain basement or take a southerly stroll to the entrance of the shopping centre. Hundreds of customers are here, milling all over the place.

> north
You move north.
Let's face it, if you can't afford whats in the bargain basement then you really are below the poverty line. One corner of this section in particular catches your eye, the lucky dip section. Basically you pay a tenner for a bag full of assorted objects which could have anything from (as the sign says) a paperclip to a diamond ring. You can only proceed south from here and this leads to the clothes department.

> buy lucky dip
You hand a tenner to the shop assistant and take your chosen lucky dip bag. You open it slowly to reveal a paperback novel by Charles Dickens, a chef's hat and a small box of milk chocolates. You decide to put the chef's hat on.

> south
You move south.
The cheapoland clothes department is a testament to man-made fibres, PVC in particular. The clothes on the shelves are not so much cheap as cheap and nasty. On all sides customers mill past you. From here you can go either north to the bargain basement or take a southerly stroll to the entrance of the shopping centre. Hundreds of customers are here, milling all over the place.

> south
You move south.
Cheapoland shopping centre is surprisingly quiet today. The shopping centre extends upwards, downwards, sideways etc. You can move north to the clothes department, south to the street or up to the bookstore.

> up
You move up.
The Cheapoland bookstore is the hub of literary brilliance and contains nearly every book known to man, except of course, the one you're looking for. An important-looking notice hangs on one of the walls. From here you can move north, east, west or down. North leads to the 'useless book section', east leads to the 'foreign book section', west leads to the 'modern fiction' section and down leads back down to the shopping centre entrance. Betty is here.

> west
You move west.
The modern fiction section of the bookshop is a fairly ordinary room. Posters of different bestsellers adorn the walls. From here you can either move west to the 'classic fiction' section or east to the main bookshop area. Also here are the bottle of pills.

> get bottle of pills
You pick up the bottle of pills.

> west
You move west.
The Classic fiction section of the bookstore is concerned with old classics. The 'classic fiction' section can only be exited via the eastern door which leads to the 'modern fiction' section. Mr Broomfield is in the corner of the room, reading a book.

> converse with mr broomfield
You approach Mr Broomfield. You introduce yourself to him, he seems quite pleased to talk to you. You get the impression that he is quite lonely. He tells you about his job. He says that he is basically paid to sit in the store and read. He tells you that apart from the odd person bringing a book to be valued and the likes of yourself he is hardly ever disturbed. You ask him what types of books are valuable. He says that first editions of books by famous (and preferably dead) authors are the best. At that you bid him a good day and carry on.

> give novel to mr broomfield
You show the novel to Mr Broomfield and his eyes go wide with astonishment. He takes the book from you with an expression of awe on his face. "H-how, where did you get this?" He asks you. You tell him that you inherited it from a rich aunt. "Do you have any idea how much this is worth?" he asks. "£1000?" you reply hopefully. A shrewd look passes across the face of mr broomfield. "I tell you what," he says "I'll buy this off you for £1000, whaddya say?" "Thats fine." you stutter and you watch as Mr Broomfield pulls out £1000 from his pocket and shoves it into your hand. "Now go!" he says. You get up from the chair and stand there, unable to believe your luck. Mr Broofield leaves quickly, the book held in his hands.

> north
You move north.
You are in the middle of a long street. A car sits unobtrusively on one side of the road. Birds circle overhead and grey clouds roll slowly across the sky. From here, the sky's the limit. You can go north up the street, you could also choose to go south which would lead you down the street or you can go east to Mrs Walters' (your elderly couch potato neighbour with a peanut allergy) house.

> north
You move north.
You are in the north end of a long street. You can walk west to Giovanni's restaurant (the premier eatery in town) or north to the Cheapoland shopping centre.

> north
You move north.
Cheapoland shopping centre is surprisingly quiet today. The shopping centre extends upwards, downwards, sideways etc. You can move north to the clothes department, south to the street or up to the bookstore.

> up
You move up.
The Cheapoland bookstore is the hub of literary brilliance and contains nearly every book known to man, except of course, the one you're looking for. An important-looking notice hangs on one of the walls. From here you can move north, east, west or down. North leads to the 'useless book section', east leads to the 'foreign book section', west leads to the 'modern fiction' section and down leads back down to the shopping centre entrance. Betty is here.

> give bottle of pills to betty
You give the bottle of pills to Betty and she snatches them off you greedily. She fumbles pathetically at the child proof bottle-top until you kindly open it for her. She downs half a dozen small pills and swallows noisily. After a few seconds she visibly relaxes and seems to be much better.

> converse with betty
Betty, like most shop assistants, doesn't really offer you that much assistance. She points out the different departments (modern fiction, classic fiction, foreign language and useless) and she tells you that Mr Broomfield the shop valuer is in the classic fiction section. When you ask about Mr Broomfield she says "Oh he's just some old guy who knows a lot about antique books, apparently some of them can be really valuable." As she tells you this another customer comes to the desk and Betty has to deal with her.

> east
You move east.
The foreign book section contains lots of different books in lots of different languages. However, one book in particular catches your eye. It is a brightly coloured Norweigan dictionary on the bookshelf to your left. The only place to go from here is west.

> get norwegian dictionary
Taking one last look around you quickly slip the dictionary into your trouser pocket without anyone noticing.

> learn norwegian
Thankfully you are a remarkably quick learner and in a matter of minutes have mastered the intricacies of the entire Norwegian language.

> west
You move west.
The Cheapoland bookstore is the hub of literary brilliance and contains nearly every book known to man, except of course, the one you're looking for. An important-looking notice hangs on one of the walls. From here you can move north, east, west or down. North leads to the 'useless book section', east leads to the 'foreign book section', west leads to the 'modern fiction' section and down leads back down to the shopping centre entrance. Betty is here. A customer is here, she has an incredibly large spot on her nose. It seems to be calling to you...

> down
You move down.

Cheapoland shopping centre is surprisingly quiet today. The shopping centre extends upwards, downwards, sideways etc. You can move north to the clothes department, south to the street or up to the bookstore.

> south
You move south.
You are in the north end of a long street. You can walk west to Giovanni's restaurant (the premier eatery in town) or north to the Cheapoland shopping centre.

> west
You move west.
Giovanni's is one of the village's premier restaurants. It is an exotic blend of Italian style and Greek architechture wrapped up in one big ball of Mediterranean loveliness. To make the experience truly authentic, Giovanni has installed reverse air conditioning and imported quite a lot of bloody annoying mosquitos. The tables, as always, are immaculately set and the whole place is wrapped in a greenish aura. This probably has something to do with the wallpaper and the tablecloths and the chairs. In fact all of Giovanni's appears to be clothed in green, oh well. In spite of this, however, today the restaurant seems to be very empty. From here you move west to the fragrant delights of Giovanni's kitchen or east to the street. Some diners are here.

> west
You move west.
The room is filled with the latest state of the art kitchen equipment. You have the choice of either moving east to the restaurant or down to the wine cellar. Giovanni paces the room, occasionally pausing to smack himself about the face with a wooden spoon. Malcolm stands at the sink, washing the seemingly endless pile of dishes.

> down
You move down.

It is very cold down in the cellar. Long racks of wine bottles strech in all directions. All kinds of wines are in the cellar. Rouges, blancs and even a few vintages. There is a cabinet in the corner. The stairs only lead up.

> open cabinet
You open the cabinet. The vintage is inside the cabinet.

> get vintage
You take the vintage from the cabinet.

> up
You move up.
The room is filled with the latest state of the art kitchen equipment. You have the choice of either moving east to the restaurant or down to the wine cellar. Giovanni paces the room, occasionally pausing to smack himself about the face with a wooden spoon. Malcolm stands at the sink, washing the seemingly endless pile of dishes.

> east
You move east.
Giovanni's is one of the village's premier restaurants. It is an exotic blend of Italian style and Greek architechture wrapped up in one big ball of Mediterranean loveliness. To make the experience truly authentic, Giovanni has installed reverse air conditioning and imported quite a lot of bloody annoying mosquitos. The tables, as always, are immaculately set and the whole place is wrapped in a greenish aura. This probably has something to do with the wallpaper and the tablecloths and the chairs. In fact all of Giovanni's appears to be clothed in green, oh well. In spite of this, however, today the restaurant seems to be very empty. From here you move west to the fragrant delights of Giovanni's kitchen or east to the street. Some diners are here.

> east
You move east.
You are in the north end of a long street. You can walk west to Giovanni's restaurant (the premier eatery in town) or north to the Cheapoland shopping centre.

> south
You move south.
You are in the middle of a long street. A car sits unobtrusively on one side of the road. Birds circle overhead and grey clouds roll slowly across the sky. From here, the sky's the limit. You can go north up the street, you could also choose to go south which would lead you down the street or you can go east to Mrs Walters' (your elderly couch potato neighbour with a peanut allergy) house.

> south
You move south.
You are in the south end of a long street. This end of the street is pretty plain except for a small cash machine mounted on the wall outside the bank. You are now, thankfully, clothed. From here, you can either go east to your living room, west to the Piddlington bank, south to the Piddlington car showroom or north to travel up the street.

> west
You move west.
The Piddlington bank is quiet today, there is only the loans department open. A pot-plant sits quietly in the corner minding it's own business while a fly buzzes at the electric light. Also here is a cardboard leaflet holder advertising the bank's speciality deals. From here, you can proceed east to the street outside or north to the loans 'department.' Mr Fairbanks' office now appears accessible.

> west
You move west.
Mr Fairbank appears to be the manager of the bank. He is sitting at a desk. There are pictures on the wall behind him. The only way out of the office is to go east to the main room of the bank.

> give vintage to mr fairbanks
You watch Mr Fairbanks' face light up as you show him the vintage. He snatches it off you like an excited child. He asks you where you got it from. You don't tell him, but instead ask him how much he would buy it off you for. He looks at you shrewdly and asks you to name your price. You start high and the two of you start haggling in earnest. In the end you settle for a thousand which he hands over to you quickly. You stand there with the grand in your hand.

> east
You move east.
The Piddlington bank is quiet today, there is only the loans department open. A pot-plant sits quietly in the corner minding it's own business while a fly buzzes at the electric light. Also here is a cardboard leaflet holder advertising the bank's speciality deals. From here, you can proceed east to the street outside or north to the loans 'department.' Mr Fairbanks' office now appears accessible.

> north
You move north.
The loans 'department' of the Piddlington bank consists of an unbelievebly enthusiastic young bank worker behind a rather manky looking desk/computer combo. Unfortunately for you, the bank worker happens to be Norwegian, a country whose language you have never been able to master. Armed with your knowledge of Norwegian, you feel certain that you will be able to have a decnt conversation with Mr George. You can only move south from here. Norge George is here.

> converse with norge george
As soon as George realises that you are speaking in his native tongue he whoops in joy and runs over to you and hugs you. Unfortunately, he is a big man, and in his happiness succedes in choking you (slightly) and imprinting much of the cheap orange dye from his suit onto your clothes and face. When George finally gets a hold of himself he puts you down and asks you if you would be interested in a holiday. You are surpised and ask him why he is selling holidays in a bank. Now it is his turn to be surprised and he tells you that he had believed this to be a travel agents which is why he was wearing the ludicrously bright orange suit. He sits back in his chair, dejected. He then asks you the usual questions, 'What have I done?' 'What am I going to do?' and 'Is there a pub near here.' It is only on the last of these that you are able to oblige and you point him in the direction of your local, 'The salty fish.' As he is leaving he gives you the password to his computer, which (he tells you) might come in handy.

> use computer
Using the passwords kindly given to you by Norge George you hack into the computer's credit card database. Inside the database is a wealth of information on all of the account holders. You find the folder that relates to your bank account and add £1000 to the the £50 already in there. You switch off the computer, ready to go.

> south
You move south.
The Piddlington bank is quiet today, there is only the loans department open. A pot-plant sits quietly in the corner minding it's own business while a fly buzzes at the electric light. Also here is a cardboard leaflet holder advertising the bank's speciality deals. From here, you can proceed east to the street outside or north to the loans 'department.' Mr Fairbanks' office now appears accessible.

> east
You move east.
You are in the south end of a long street. This end of the street is pretty plain except for a small cash machine mounted on the wall outside the bank. You are now, thankfully, clothed. From here, you can either go east to your living room, west to the Piddlington bank, south to the Piddlington car showroom or north to travel up the street.

> south
You move south.
The showroom is full of expensive sports cars and not so expensive second hand cars. The Fullerton 'Hog' seems to call to you from it's space on the 'cheapo car of the week' stand. From here, you can go north to the south end of the street or south to Matthews' office, although he usually keeps it locked. Matthews is here.

> buy hog
You give your money to Matthews, for a moment a look of surprise crosses his smug face. But then he relaxes, safe in the knowledge that he's conned you out of a hell of a lot of money. You don't care, all you want to do is get out of here before Malloney's thugs catch up with you. Matthews spews out the usual spiel about how you have made a great purchase and you won't regret it etc. etc. Matthews walks into his office and collects the key for the hog. Then he presents it to you. The key is a rusty silver and suits the car. You hold it up like a miniature excalibur, then, realising that you look just a tiny bit stupid, you stop waving it around and get into the car. Sliding into the uncomfortable brown plastic seats, you put the keys in the ignition and turn. The engine splutters and then dies abruptly. You try it a few more times and then finally the engine roars (or rather, half-heartedly chokes) into life. You drive out of the showroom, the sun shining in your eyes and you drive out of Piddlington, forever... Congratulations, you have completed the game and got out of Piddlington. You are a true hero.

NOTE: there are actually three separate ways to finish the game. The one used above allows for the maximum score and (in my opinion anyway) is the best of the three.